Working With Difficult People

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Working With Difﬁcult People [email protected] @lxt https://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/pkingdesign/690068306 !1

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I’m not a psychologist. I’m an engineer(ing manager). Your mileage may vary. This is what has worked for me. This presentation may cause nausea, insomnia, hallucinations, tremors, and a strong desire to go back to writing unit tests. !2

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Here’s the secret. ! In most cases, it’s not people that are difﬁcult, it’s the relationship or the situation that is difﬁcult. !3

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Tools to make things less difﬁcult Situations and commonalities When your tools fail !4

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You’re probably sitting in this talk because you’re thinking of at least one speciﬁc person. Your boss? Your employee? Your teammate? Someone in a different team? Your own family member? !5

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Tools https://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/11164872@N04/1408632 !6

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#1: Empathy (also #2 - #100, really) !7

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They did they best they could with what they had. Understand the situation they are in better. Ask why. Get to know them. Offer to help. !8

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Build relationships and trust outside of the difﬁcult thing !9

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If your only interaction is when something has gone wrong… Seek them out. Set up a 1:1. Have lunch or coffee. Invite them. The trust bank: make many small deposits for a rainy day !10

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Set rules for the game !11

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Guidelines for how you will work better together Examples: I will keep you up to date when things break. I’ll come to you ﬁrst if I have a problem. !12

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Focus on common goals !13

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“We all want…” ! “I know people are worried, because it’s so important to all of us to get this right.” !14

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Call out bad behavior !15

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(Requires bravery.) “Please don’t X.…Y instead, because” “Next time you have a problem, come to me or I can’t ﬁx it.” (This usually goes better than you think it will.) !16

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Fear of confrontation? Remember: “Structure not blame” Be speciﬁc Control scope !17

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Don’t get angry, get talking !18

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Difﬁcult person does annoying thing. You respond by: a) complaining to another coworker b) quietly hating them c) sabotaging something they are trying to accomplish d) going and talking to them about it. !19

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Acknowledge and thank people !20

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Reward the behavior you want. “Thank you for doing that thing” “…in the way that I asked. I appreciate that you remembered.” Acknowledge in private, to their boss, in public Saying nice things is hard, but gets easier !21

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Speciﬁcs https://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/joeshlabotnik/123152677 !22

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Your boss has unrealistic expectations. They may be prone to saying: “That’s easy!” !23

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Ask why. Set expectations. Make your queue transparent. Explain reasons. Check your reasonableness. Learn to say no. (Not every time!) !24

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Your employee isn’t getting any/enough work done, or the quality isn’t there, and they just don’t seem to “get it”. !25

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Ask why. Depressed/stuck/burned out? Encourage change, help, vacation. “Cruising”? Ego vs fear of failure. Perfectionism getting in the way? Teach incremental iteration. Hard/intractable problem? Let them rubber duck it with you. Isolation? Find them a mentor or tribe. !26

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Someone doesn’t respect the value or difﬁculty of your work. ! “Can’t we just outsource that?” “All our PR people suck.” “I don’t know what IT thought they were doing.” “That marketing campaign was an embarrassment.” “The engineers on that team aren’t real engineers.” !27

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Reach out. Over-communicate. Make your work transparent. Explain why things are hard, or were done a particular way. Call people out. This is a “culture smell”. Lead by example. !28

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Someone is constantly negative. (Hello, stop energy!) !29

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Talk to them. Ask why. Explain your perception. How many negative leaders/successful people do you see? Focus their energy into something constructive. !30

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A client complains about/bullies you and your coworkers. !31

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If it’s your company, this is easier, but generally: ! Talk to them about it. Ask for better behavior. If they continue to behave poorly, ﬁre them. (I’m not kidding.) !32

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A contributor to your open source project gets a lot of coding done, but has…less than awesome social skills. !33

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Get to know them - understand why. Call it out - “You did this, and it upset me/people because…” Suggest more appropriate behaviors. Community codes of conduct. Enlist help from professional community wranglers. !34

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Commonalities https://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/murrayvalleybushwalkers/5942699926 !35

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People communicating poorly - why? !36

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Cultural differences: Not (just) national/ethnic culture (although trust varies) ! e.g. company culture: “move fast and break things” vs “failure is not an option” vs culture of fear ! project culture: ok to call someone out vs positive feedback vs passive aggression !37

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Under stress, personalities change: your “reactive tendency” ! Defensive: “You are wrong.” Controlling: “Let me just micromanage this.” Compliant: “…” (while hating everything) ! (Few of us are at our best when things are on ﬁre.) !38

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Lack of shared expectations ! When you said: “It’s done” You meant: “I have a prototype” / “It’s feature complete” They heard: “It’s ready to ship” !39

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History of poor relationship / Lack of trust ! Build trust in small regular increments. Behave well. Over-communicate. Be trustworthy. Do what you say you will do. Expect the same. !40

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Genuinely Difﬁcult People https://www.ﬂickr.com/photos/dlanham/4196897113 !41

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Habitual liars. Narcissists. Bullies. Sociopaths. !42

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Rule #1: Don’t work with people who behave like this. Don’t hire them. Don’t take them as customers, no matter how well they pay. Don’t accept a job working for them. Don’t tolerate these behaviors in your culture. Make it clear they are not tolerated. !43

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If this is your customer/client/boss: ﬁre them. I don’t care how well they pay. It’s not worth it. !44

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If you must work with them:  Be crystal clear about requirements and expectations. Document everything, frequently. Try not to work with them alone (e.g. invite others to meetings). Don’t let yourself be steamrollered: don’t agree to things on the spot. Minimize interactions where possible. !45

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! References: “The No-Asshole Rule” -Bob Sutton “The Field Guide to Understanding Human Error” - Sidney Dekker “Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go To Work” -Robert D. Hare Mozilla’s TRIBE training (for volunteers, too) !46

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Questions? !47