Giving Critical Feedback in Business Workplace Huy Nguyen – May 2023

When was the last time you felt totally comfortable when giving someone critical feedback?

We all faced situations where we should give feedback to someone. But we are somehow afraid to do so.

People are often afraid of giving feedback Why? High risk, low return ● High risk: Recipients often get defensive, hurt feelings & worsen relationships ● Low return: “The inconvenience isn’t that big to me, anyway”

But if done right, giving feedback well is among the best tools to grow people, build stronger relationships and happier workplace.

Feedback usually falls into 2 extremes ● Too subtle: The other person doesn’t recognize as feedback, not taking it seriously. ● Too direct: The other person feels threatened & gets defensive. → Either not effective, or counterproductive.

Let’s learn how to give better feedback ● First-principles thinking to feedback giving ● For giver: How to give feedback that don’t suck ● For Getter: How to handle (receive) feedback well ● For Company: Building a good feedback-giving culture Covered in subsequent talks

First, what is feedback? And when do we need to use them?

Me: “ThanhGPT, what is feedback?” ThanhGPT: “Feedback is the solution. What is the problem?”

Chances are when you feel the need to feedback someone, there’s a situation happened that is suboptimal (the problem). “Giving feedback” is just one option among different solutions you can take. It’s important to understand the problem surrounding the situation thoroughly first.

Let’s look at some situations where feedback is needed

Sitting through a bad presentation The speaker didn’t prepare properly, took longer than needed, gave a boring presentation

Clash in working styles with colleague

A chatty colleague Alice just joined the company. Alice sits next to Bob, a friendly colleague… almost too friendly. Bob talks a lot. Alice gets annoyed, cannot do work.

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Insight: Giving feedback is part of problem-solving process. Apply your problem solving skills. ● Why does Bob behave that way? ● What’s the impact on Alice? ● What can we do to stop this?

Notice that without talking to Bob, we won’t know the reasons behind his behaviour. ⇒ Idea: We should include Bob as part of the problem-solving process

Components of Feedback

Alice: “Hey Bob, you talk to me a lot. I feel distracted and cannot do my work. Can you stop bothering too much?”

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Observation: “you talk to me a lot” Perspective: “I feel distracted” Request: “Can you stop bothering me?”

Understand the different components of a feedback is critical to knowing how to deliver it well. Depending on the situation, learn to include or omit various components.

The obstacles of giving (and getting) effective feedback

Amygdala: The human fight-or-flight defense mechanism

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"When we perceive a threat, the amygdala sounds an alarm, releasing a cascade of chemicals in the body. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood our system, immediately preparing us for fight or flight. When this deeply instinctive function takes over, we call it “amygdala hijack”, or “We’ve been triggered.”

“We notice immediate changes like an increased heart rate or sweaty palms. Our breathing becomes more shallow and rapid as we take in more oxygen, preparing to bolt if we have to. The active amygdala also immediately shuts down the neural pathway to our prefrontal cortex so we can become disoriented in a heated conversation. Complex decision-making disappears, as does our access to multiple perspectives. As our attention narrows, we find ourselves trapped in the one perspective that makes us feel the most safe: “I’m right and you’re wrong,” even though we ordinarily see more perspectives.”

Insight: These reactions are automatic It’s not controlled by your “human” (người) part of your brain. It’s controlled by the “lizard” (con) part of your brain.

Understand that it will be there even when you’re aware of it. Learn how to deal with it.

Sidenote: How conflict escalates A gives feedback to B B took it the wrong way, gets emotionally triggered ⇒ Become aggressive, fight back, engage in personal attack. A gets triggered, retaliate.

Conflict is escalated due to the reciprocally aggressive and competitive behavior of the parties. “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

Let’s put them together

Principles & Best Practices for Giving Feedback

Principles ● Treat feedback as a problem-solving process. ○ Bring the recipient on your side. ● Understand & accept human’ natural defense mechanism ○ Learn how to deal with them accordingly.

10 Best Practices (Tactical) ● This list is not exhaustive. Feel free to reflect and add your own. ● Most important is to understand the principles (philosophy) behind.

1- Check your intention (intrinsic motivation) ● Is it to ○ Vent your frustrations (and make you feel better)? ○ To help the other person be aware/improve the situation? ● Different intentions have different strategies to deliver the feedback.

2- Check your relationship with the recipient ● To receive feedback effectively, the recipient must trust the giver. ● Check your relationship dynamic with them: how they feel treated by you, your (lack of) credibility, (un)trustworthiness, or (questionable) motives. ● Then, determine between direct vs indirect feedback.

3- Ask for permission ● Ask if they're open to receive some feedback ● This allows them to mentally prepare for it. ○ Give the recipient the sense of control. ○ They can say No, and that’s perfectly fine. ● Get a mini-yes

4- Are you sure you’re right? Understand & clarify ● Feedback is basically opinions based on limited set of information. ○ Make sure you’re open to hear the other person’s perspectives, and open to change your mind. ● Use Assertive Inquiry.

● Human nature tends to expand what we see or hear—our observations—into a story that helps us make sense of it all. ● Don’t guess. 5- Separate facts (observations) from opinions (perspectives)

6- Apply empathetic listening ● Difference between “critical listening” and “empathetic listening” ● Critical listening: listening for the consistency and accuracy in a speaker’s message ● Empathetic listening: Listening to see the world from the other person’s perspective.

7- Say your intentions out loud ● Even people know you are approaching it with good intention, talking it out loud still helps. ● Examples: ○ “I want you to be an inspiring leader in the worst of situations. If you’re going to do that, you’ve got to rethink how you express yourself in big meetings.”

8- Side with the person, not the problem

8- Side with the person, not the problem

9- Separate behaviours from characters ● Don’t associate the person with the problem (assume they won’t change) ○ Have a ‘growth mindset’ on the other person ● Avoid using ‘labeling’ language. ○ “She is a little aggressive”

9- Separate behaviours from characters

Best Practices Pre Delivery: 1. Check your intentions 2. Check the relationship 3. Seek permission to discuss feedback During Delivery: 4. Are you sure you’re right? Understand & clarify 5. Apply empathetic listening 6. Announce your intentions 7. Separate facts from opinions 8. Side with the person, not the problem 9. Separate behaviours from characters

Summary ● Giving feedback is difficult and often avoided. But it’s among the best tools to help grow people and build better relationships. ● Look at feedback as part of a problem solving process. ● Understand how the human’s defense mechanism reacts against critical feedback, devise strategy to work with them accordingly.

References ● “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well” (Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen) ● “Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower” (Therese Huston) ● “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” (Marshall B. Rosenberg) ● Calming Your Brain During Conflict (HBR) ● The secret to giving great feedback (TEDTalk)

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Appendix

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Origin of ‘feedback’ ● “feed-back”: coined in the 1860s during the Industrial Revolution to describe the way that outputs of energy or signals are returned to their point of origin (mechanical system). ● After WW2: used in industrial relations when talking about people and performance management. ○ “Feed corrective information back to the point of origin”—that would be you, the employee

3 forms of feedback ● Appreciation: Positive feedback, praises ● Coaching: here’s a better way to do it ● Evaluation: here’s where you stand