In Defense of Lying Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Life Is Boring. Make Shit Up. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Example: Person A: “How was your date last night?” Person B (truth): “Fine, I guess. We went to dinner. He’s nice enough, but no real chemistry.” Person B (lie): “It was all going well enough, but then he started spontaneously bleeding from both ears. I said we should go to the ER, but he said it happened all the time, and just please ignore it. So, all night long, everyone kept coming up to us and trying to see if they could call 911, and he kept saying he was fine. Eventually, he got really angry and curled up in a ball on the floor and started screaming. The movie theater manager called the authorities, and they strapped him to a gurney and took him away. Also, he apparently owns a tiger.” Tuesday, October 8, 13 

No One Cares What You Do For a Living. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Example: Person A: “So, what do you do?” Person B (truth): “Well, I’m in a bit of a transitional phase right now. I was in finance, but I got downsized. So now I’m exploring some new opportunities, figuring things out. I’m taking some paralegal courses.” Result: Awkward and painful silence. Person B (lie): “I own my own company that’s sort of like Make-a-Wish, only it’s for dogs and cats with incurable diseases and wealthy owners.” Result: General incredulous amusement and joy. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Your Friend Already Knows He Sucks at Stand-Up Comedy. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Example: Person A says: “So, what’d you think?” Person A means: “Do you still respect me after witnessing that?” Person B says: “Great stuff, man!” Person B means: “It’s cool, I know you’re good at other things.” Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Don’t Ruin Your Wife’s Funny Story with Your Bizarre Obsession with Facts. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

Example: Your wife: “So, then the guy with the leopard- print shirt comes out from the backroom and says, ‘I’ll give you people five minutes to clear out of my bar, or I’m getting my shotgun.’” You: “No, wait, wait, honey, remember - he didn’t say that, he said ‘you folks need to keep it down a bit.’ And it wasn’t a leopard-print shirt, it was just a regular denim shirt.” Everyone in earshot: Hates you. Tuesday, October 8, 13 

White Hat v. Black Hat Lying White Hat Black Hat It is harder for you to create an interesting lie than to tell the boring truth. It is easier for you to lie than to admit the truth (unless you’re sparing someone’s feelings). Your intent is to make someone feel good, to entertain an audience, or to preserve the peace. Your intent is to make yourself look good, to mock someone (unless they really deserve it), or to escape blame for something that was your fault. If the person found out, they would be impressed with you for lying so well. If the person found out, they would be upset with you for lying to them. The lie is a simple way to cut around pointless red tape, resulting in an end that justifies the means. The lie is a cheat to gain you some personal benefit that you do not truly deserve (unless it’s a minor benefit that won’t hurt anybody, like a free drink or something). The lie is more true than the truth. The lie avoids a painful or inconvenient truth. Tuesday, October 8, 13