HOWTO Empathy - Speaker Deck

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HOWTO Empathy A primer on how I taught myself to be more empathetic. Emma Jane Hogbin Westby @emmajanehw

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This is a Touchy Feely Woo woo talk.

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“I can’t even imagine.”

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–Temple Grandin Normal people have an incredible lack of empathy.

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define: empathy The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

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–Stephen Covey When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it.  That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.

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define: Sympathy The feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

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Why?

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– Ben Parr Entrepreneurs may be brutally honest, but fostering relationships with partners and building enduring communities requires empathy, self-sacriﬁce and a willingness to help others without expecting anything in return.

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– Ben Parr & Me Developers may be brutally honest, but fostering relationships with partners and building enduring communities requires empathy, self-sacriﬁce and a willingness to help others without expecting anything in return.

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Think different

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Think different

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Think Deliberate

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“How can I help  [this|you|me]  to be more awesome?”

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Why do you build software?

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And why do you Do that?

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My “Why” to understand and transform obstacles to achieve a state of flow.

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Practicing Empathy

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– Neil Gaiman Empathy is a tool for building people into groups, for allowing us to function as more than self- obsessed individuals.

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Level 1. Caring just enough Difﬁculty — Beginner.

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Rewards • Improves team cohesion. • Improves capacity for diversity of thought. • Requires a time investment. Risks

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Collect stories. Learn about people by asking them questions.

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STFU and listen. Listen until there is no more story. Then respond.

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Refer back. Follow-up on a previous story  to get the next instalment.

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–Molly Ringwald Compartmentalisation is way overrated.

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Level 2. Thinking Strategies Difﬁculty — Intermediate.

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Rewards • Improves your ability to “manipulate” situations into successful outcomes. • Requires a time investment. Risks

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Uncover motivators. Unpack why a person behaves the way they do.

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WWXD?

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Thinking Strategies Decision-Making validate values-driven experience crux trust your heart conclude Understanding clarify empathise tune-in scan express structure Creativity brainstorm challenge reframe envision ﬂow ﬂash of insight

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Creative Thinking brainstorm challenge reframe envision ﬂow ﬂash of insight

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Common Phrases For a  Creative Thinker • “Can we try ...” • “I know we’re done, but what about ...” • “OMG! I just had this great idea ...” • “Have you thought about doing it like this instead ...”

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Analytical Thinking clarify empathise tune-in scan express structure

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Common Phrases For an  Analytical Thinker • “So what you’re saying is ...” • “Just to clarify ...” • “Can you tell me how ...” • “Is this related to ...” • “So I made this spreadsheet ...” • “That must feel horrible!”

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Decision Thinking validate values-driven experience crux gut instinct conclude

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Common Phrases For a  Decision Thinker • “I’m ready to move on to ...” • “We’ve already made a decision …” • “I don’t know why I think this, but ...” • “Last time we tried this ...” • “So I think the real problem is ...” • “My gut tells me ...”

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Structure Interactions for desired Outcomes

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The biggest mistake is believing that there is just one right way to listen, to talk, to have a connection or a relationship. Deborah Tannen

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Level 3. Imagination Difﬁculty — Advanced

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Rewards • Improves your ability to “manipulate” situations into successful outcomes. • Requires a greater time investment. • Can be overwhelming to highly sensitive people. • Can make you doubt your own value / self-worth. Risks

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Use your imagination. Complain from the other perspective.

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–Maya Angelou I think we all have empathy.  We may not have  enough courage to display it.

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Practicing Empathy • Level 1: Care just enough to learn more about a person’s life. • Level 2: Use thinking strategies to structure interactions. • Level 3: Use your imagination to complain from the other’s perspective.