Lessons of Letting Go.
From Volume 8 - Essay #14
Written Sunday May 24, 2020 / Day 286 / Morning
The last thing you want to do -
the first thing you need to go on.
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It is nearly one week since the
latest wave of change hit.
The moment that had come
when I began to deal with
some of my wife’s belongings.
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As has been the
case on this
journey - the
significance of
a moment is
often lost or
unrecognized
until the moment is
long past.
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Last week’s moment
was significant when
it first occurred.
In the past days that
significance has continued.
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In the back of
my mind there
has been a harshness
running - it is a small dialog
that goes something like this:
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“You know you really
have to just get used to
all of this - stop holding
on to everything!”
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It is a message I have
resisted, rejected
and have ignored.
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The reality is that as
much as you do want to
hold on to something -
whether it is a memory, a
person or a situation -
the truth is that when
enough time passes -
you have no choice
but to let go.
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You have to.
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Because it is one of those things
we pretend we can do that we
really cannot accomplish.
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Emotions drive that delusion because
in the narcotic-like state of emotions
comes it’s own reality.
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A reality that is part fabrication
- part fact - part wishful
thinking - part resistance.
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In this past week
I have faced the
un-faceable.
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In the realm of the toxic - I have
had to navigate situations,
memories and artifacts that have
invoked a strong intense
disarming emotional onslaught of
negative energy.
In this past week there has been
a new reality.
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The toxic has
taken a turn to be
not so intense.
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This has been quite
a change.
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And although the exercise
has not been easy nor
desirable - it has seemed to
emerge as something else.
Something I have
not seen so far.
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Something necessary.
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The surprise is that the embracing
of the necessary has not been a
strictly conscious effort.
That perspective appears to
live in the background.
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A step that
seems to create
its own energy.
Energy that allows
me to perform
unthinkable tasks.
It is an after
effect of taking
one step…
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In the intensity
department this
is a new level.
One in which
the intensity
is just
not that intense.
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It is certainly a
welcome change.
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There are moments
you could call an
“out of body”
experience”.
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Nothing dramatic or weird -
just a perspective where
you see yourself doing
something you could not
see yourself doing -
while you are doing it.
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For me this has been
my wife’s clothes.
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As always, there
are a variety of
perspectives on
how to address
this issue.
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It is always quite easy for the
un-emotionally involved to
declare a course of action for
you to take which you could
summarize by the admonition to:
“Just do it!”.
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While those
of us who
are deeply
immersed in
the situation
would tell those
people to
take a hike.
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In the past week
I realized this
was a task that
seemed to be
portrayed as a
task to start and
take care of
quickly.
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Most people may be wired to
take that approach.
I on the other hand am
not most people.
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The thought
struck me -
“I cannot do
this all at once.
But I can do
it differently”.
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Differently to me turns out
to be - as you might say -
“divide and conquer”.
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I reached in the closet each day
and just grabbed two things.
Just two - or a few. Then I took
each item and gently folded it and
placed it on the spare bed.
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The same was true for the
dresser. Just grab a few
things and do the same.
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By the end of the week I
had a rather substantial
group of items.
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And interestingly
- there was not
an emotional
moment going
on as I surveyed
the items.
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Yet in the
background -
I could feel
something going
on. I wasn’t quite
sure what it was.
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Well, actually
I did know.
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I was letting go.
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Gently.
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Gradually.
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Yes, and painfully -
but I was.
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And so it was that when Saturday
came - there was a trunk full of items
to go. Many clothes as well as others
things that emerged during the week.
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As I drove away
from the donation
center - a place
she frequented
quite regularly as
a customer -
I felt an incredible
mixture of
emotions that
seemed to cancel
each other out.
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A strange moment - one
which I may never really
come to understand.
But what it meant at one
level was clear to me.
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The things I had just
donated needed to
follow their owner.
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Their owner has left -
she has kept her
appointment
with destiny.
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Now in the hands of the
One who has her in His
care. Awaiting her future…
…the future that awaits all
of us in Christ.
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And now, I am helping
her possessions join her.
To perhaps do some
good for others as she
so loved to do
in every way she could.
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I am doing my part - for her
and for me.
It is just not a cleaning
exercise.
It is so much more.
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It is letting go of what was
- so God can take me
to what will be.
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This part of the
journey has
now begun.
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From Facing Grief - The Essays - Volume 8 - Essay #14