Co-Parenting With Men: Navigating CO-mpetence Doug Shirley, EdD., MDiv., LMHC dougshirleyresearch.com [email protected] @DougShirley3 

CO-Parenting 

CO-mpetence 

COMPETE-nce 

Com-PET-ence 

Compe-TEN-ce 

“The Male Code” (David & Brannon, 1976) – “No Sissy Stuff”: do not appear feminine – “The Big Wheel”: respect comes through achievement – “The Sturdy Oak”: do not show weakness – “Give ‘em Hell”: seek adventure and risk, and use violence if need be 

Long Story Short My quick summary: Men are to be… – BIG (Sexual) – FAST (Intellectual) – POWERFUL (Solid/Impenetrable) 

What If? Men were to be… •  BIG •  FAST •  POWERFUL Men are to be… •  Dangling (vulnerable) •  Loving (receptive) •  Strong (powerless) 

Struggles •  COMPETE-nce: not just with the child(ren), but even with household duties – Confusion of provision with protection – Conflicting images of masculinity (no “double shift” yet) – Fear of the feminine (affection, horseplay) – Belief that mothers matter more than fathers (attachment theory) – Contending with “gatekeeping” mothers – No transitional time/space https://www.gottman.com/blog/featured-blogger-dr-jessica-michaelson/ 

Relational Health Calling Out Protection 

Top Ten CO-Parenting Tips •  1. Assume he is doing the best he can do (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015). •  2. Figure out his language around help-seeking, and seek to use it rather than your own. •  3. “Pet” him! Remember he was taught to (over)inflate his ego. Seek out predictability. •  4. Catch him in the good. •  5. Talk to the kids (so he can hear) about how important and loved Daddy is. 

Top Ten CO-Parenting Tips •  6. Engage in a “postgame,” but make sure to “strike while the iron is cold.” •  7. “Correct” him separately from the child(ren). Call out, don’t gatekeep. •  8. Watch for emotional flooding (vulnerability): defensiveness is a cue. •  9. Encourage him to connect with friends, especially others who are dads (loneliness, touch). •  10. Remember that sex is never just about sex.