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10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights Patrick Rauland - @BFTrick https://speakerdeck.com/bftrick/10-uncommon-and-weird-ways-to-prevent-fights

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Commuication is Key

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https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/why-does-breathing-pure-oxygen-kill-you/

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Communicate effectively instead of constantly.

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3 Well Known Tools to Prevent Fights

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5 Love Languages

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My Love Language(s) ● I value my own time highly ● The nicest gift you can give me is your attention ○ Ex. Putting away your phone at a restaurant ● Cuddling & holding hands is a wonderful reminder to me that you care about me ● Especially in an argument

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My Partner’s Love Language(s) ● She’s a busy person so when I can do something for her that means a lot ● Especially for her theatre company which is her baby

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An example of Acts of Service

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https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

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Magic Relationship Ratio

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https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

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For every negative interaction, a stable & happy marriage has 5 (or more) positive interactions.

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Negative Interactions ● Being emotionally dismissive or critical ● Becoming defensive ● Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful negative interaction

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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Positive Interactions ● Be interested ● Express affection ● Intentional appreciation ● Find opportunities for agreement ● Empathize & apologize ● Make jokes

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https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

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The Right Tools

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Calendar ● Having a shared calendar reduces a lot of miscommunication ● You can schedule things for your partner ○ Ex. parents visiting ● You don’t have to ask them if they’re free

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To Do List ● A to-do list for task management ● You can avoid “nagging” by assigning tasks to each other ○ Ex. I can add something to the grocery list without interrupting my partner.

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10 Uncommon Ways to Prevent Fights

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1) Get Naked

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Via Audree When big conversations have to happen, you get naked and talk it out (optionally: in the shower). Standing allows you the inability to hide from the other person. You are completely vulnerable and have nowhere to go. No sitting because most places you would sit there are blankets or pillows to use as a shield.

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Via Audree (cont) When you’re naked it’s a lot harder to: 1. Lie when you are that exposed and vulnerable with someone 2. Yell or be angry at someone, when you are naked

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https://www.wired.com/2011/11/the-psychology-of-nakedness/

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“[More naked people are] seen as experiencers: someone more capable of pain, pleasure, desire, sensation, and emotion”

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“The psychologists suggest that these dimensions are actually a duality, and that there's a direct tradeoff between the ability to have agency and experience.”

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2) Scheduling Fights

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“There’s never a good time to defend another driver”

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Schedule Fights ● My friends Gordon & Leah schedule a quarterly relationship retreat ○ Out of the house ○ Goal setting ○ Financial check-in ○ Resource allocation ○ & low level annoyances ■ “It makes me uncomfortable when you don’t use blinkers” ● They are very serious about this. They missed my birthday two years in a row to have their retreat!

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“Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners the space to regroup and prepare” - Deborah Grody Clinical Psychologist

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“Most of the time, things are said on impulse in the heat of anger [...] But the words stay with us.” - Deborah Grody Clinical Psychologist

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3) Prefight (Setting Expectations)

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Prefighting ● Have the hard conversations before you’re in the heat of the moment ● “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” ○ It might take 10 minutes to cover something awkward to save hours of an argument later

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4) Mental Health Days

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Mark Freeman - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbiYVLhCcqs

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Mark Freeman’s Tips on Self Care 1. Be proactive 2. Have a plan a. Don’t just do things when you feel like it 3. Change stuff a. “If we can make changes and we don’t we’re part of the problem”

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5) Be Influenceable (Be coachable)

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Be Influenceable ● This comes from the business world ○ There are studies on how thinking you’re the smartest person in the room (even if it’s not true) negatively impacts your performance. ● Don’t try to win arguments ○ If you ever think “I’m winning this argument” you’re not influenceable ● Try to learn & grow ○ Be curious ○ Build on common beliefs ○ Appreciate the other person’s perspective even if you disagree with it

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6) Respond to Feelings

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Respond to Feelings ● Human beings are emotional machines which only occasionally use logic ○ ^ Brene Brown ● Emotions will always affect people. Accept people & their emotions as a part of the conversation.

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7) Ignore Feelings

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https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/too-much-emotional-intelligence-is-a-bad-thing/

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“[S]ome sensitive individuals may assume responsibility for other people's sadness or anger, which ultimately stresses them out.”

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Ignore Feelings ● “emotional intelligence is a useful skill to have, as long as you learn to also properly cope with emotions—both others' and your own” ● “emotionally perceptive people might be particularly susceptible to feelings of depression and hopelessness” ● I’m generally a fan of getting better at emotional intelligence. But it can be detrimental unless you know how to cope with the extra emotions from other people.

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8) Have Rules

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Rules in Poly ● Some poly peeps look down on rules ○ They let you setup artificial limits until you can trust each other ● You can have temporary rules ○ Sunset clause from More Than Two ○ Ex. I agree not to kiss another partner in front of you for the next 2 months. In 2 months we’ll have a check-in.

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9) Apology Languages

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Apology Languages ● There are 5 apology languages ○ Maximum score of 20 ● A successful apology can prevent the next fight ● https://www.5lovelanguages.c om/profile/apology/

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10) Vestigial Relationships

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Vestigial Relationships ● There’s no incentive to end a mediocre relationship ○ In mono you have to end one relationship before starting a new one ● In the poly world there’s a trap of Frankenpoly where we try to find a partner for every need ○ Ex. a partner for sex, a partner for emotional needs, a partner for activities, etc. ● Every relationship takes energy ○ End relationships that aren’t giving you energy back

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Questions??