Refactoring Trust on your Team Rebecca Miller-Webster @rmillwebster Equilibria Head of Engineering myeq.com | @equilibriawomen Premium, farm to home, CBD for women Write/Speak/Code Founder, Board Member @writespeakcode Leadership & visibility for women, trans, and non-binary technologists

@rmillerwebster

@rmillerwebster Trust Matters A Lot

@rmillerwebster Trust matters • Fundamental to our sense of safety, autonomy, and dignity as a human being • Part of every relationship • Allows us to disagree, debate & test each other’s thinking • Trust on teams is correlated with business profitability

@rmillerwebster Neuroscience of Trust • Trust in social interactions increases oxytocin • Oxytocin increases • risk tolerance • ability to make decisions and take actions • critical analysis, logic, and creativity • verbal communication skills • well-being and safety

@rmillerwebster Neuroscience of Distrust • Fight / Flight / Freeze response • Limited use of “thinking brain” • Respond with unconscious, innate defensive behaviors • Anxiety, fear, anger, aggression, withdrawal • Threat alert

@rmillerwebster Self-Protection • most successful people learn to be competitive with their peers, and protective of their reputations • takes away focus from current work • fear of others using “it” for their gain

@rmillerwebster What is trust?

@rmillerwebster Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions. The Thin Book of Trust by Charles Feltman:

@rmillerwebster Choosing to risk

@rmillerwebster Risk Assessment

@rmillerwebster Something we value

@rmillerwebster What do we value? Money Beliefs Your or team’s work or effort Career / Job Way of doing things Deadlines Promotion “Good name,” Reputation, or Status Thoughts and Ideas Goal Happiness and wellbeing Hopes, Fears, or Concerns

@rmillerwebster By making it vulnerable to another’s actions

@rmillerwebster By Leena Snidate / Codenomicon (http://heartbleed.com/heartbleed.svg) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

@rmillerwebster Relational Vulnerability • “Emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” • “Showing up when you can’t control the outcome” • Cannot “engineer” vulnerability out of relationships • Innovation requires us to accept inevitable failure and keep going. Quotes from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown

@rmillerwebster CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 https://www.flickr.com/photos/ drsnitch/19325871168/

@rmillerwebster Trust is built in small moments

@rmillerwebster How do you (re)build trust?

@rmillerwebster

@rmillerwebster B Boundaries R Reliability A Accountability V Vault I Integrity N Non-Judgement G Generosity Elements of Trust from Rising Strong, Dare to Lead by Brené Brown

@rmillerwebster Boundaries • You respect my boundaries. • When you’re not clear about what’s ok and not ok, you ask. • You are willing to say no.

@rmillerwebster Lack of Boundaries • Resentment • Anger • Frustration • Talking behind people’s backs • Blame BRAVING: Boundaries

@rmillerwebster Boundary Examples • Starting and ending meetings on time • Not looking at phones or computers during meetings • Not checking email after a certain time • Not taking work home on the weekends BRAVING: Boundaries

@rmillerwebster CC BY 3.0 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File: Bamboo_Fence_with_Gate_-_Agri-Horticultural_Society_of_India_- _Alipore_-_Kolkata_2013-01-05_2369.JPG Boundaries aren’t walls BRAVING: Boundaries

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Clear expectations, including … • Success Criteria • Timeframe • Resources • Explain your reasoning and be open to questions • Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. BRAVING: Boundaries

@rmillerwebster Reliability • You do what you say you’ll do • At work this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t over promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities

@rmillerwebster Cycle of Commitment Request / Offer Respond Commit Act Report BRAVING: Reliability

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Agile: Stand up, Planning Poker • Respond positively when someone asks for help • Clarify requests & offers: who, what, when • Be committed to what you ask for • Report on commitments BRAVING: Reliability

@rmillerwebster Accountability • You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends

@rmillerwebster CC BY 2.0 https://www.flickr.com/photos/jamescridland/29267914962

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Take the time to listen to why people are doing what they are doing • Avoid hero-ing • Take responsibility for your behavior and the impact it had on others • Acknowledge: recognize what you did wrong or the damage in the other person’s eyes — even if that wasn’t your intention • Apologize: ask forgiveness, and declare your intention to redeem yourself. • Commit to changing your behavior — and do change. • Help fix problems your actions created BRAVING: Accountability

@rmillerwebster Vault • You don’t share information or experiences that aren’t yours to share • I need to know my confidences are kept and you are not sharing with me information about other people that should be kept confidential

@rmillerwebster Back-Channel Communication • not being direct or upfront with people. • “Meeting after the meeting” — sharing reactions, emotions, or opinions with people before or after a meeting, rather than sharing them in the meeting. • Gossip • “Dirty yes” — say “yes” to your face and then “no” behind your back BRAVING: Vault

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Model public conversations when appropriate • Ask if subject knows its being shared • Don’t give or receive gossip • Difficult circumstances • Be vague if saying nothing is creating gossip • Ask a person what you can share BRAVING: Vault

@rmillerwebster Integrity • You choose courage over comfort • You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy • You choose to practice your values rather than just professing them

@rmillerwebster https://medium.com/@bentlegen/the-best-tool-for-the-job-isnt-always-6ed364f3f775 BRAVING: Integrity

@rmillerwebster What are your values? • Same values for work and home. • What behaviors support? • What behaviors take away? • When were you fully living into your values? BRAVING: Integrity

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Be explicit about the things that matter - Examples of good and bad • Check yourself when someone does something differently - Is this a thing that matters? • Create new expectations when things happen - take responsibility for not being explicit • Be thoughtful and intentional about handling disagreements • Find a person to role play, run ideas by, and review BRAVING: Integrity

@rmillerwebster Non-judgement • I can ask you for what I need and you can ask for what you need • We can talk about how we feel without judgement • We can ask each other for help without judgement

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • Ask for help • Help others when they ask • Stay curious about why you are judging • Be aware of your own insecurities BRAVING: Non-judgement

@rmillerwebster Generosity • You extend the most generous interpretation possible to intentions, words, and actions of others

@rmillerwebster BRAVING: Generosity

@rmillerwebster What can you do? • What boundaries need to be in place for you to be generous with your assumptions about other’s behavior? • Provide clear expectations and set boundaries • We are each responsible for our own behavior and the things we can control • Don’t hold grudges • Get to know people personally - listen, ask questions BRAVING: Generosity

@rmillerwebster Refactoring Trust

@rmillerwebster http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0218121/ Model Behavior

Define roles in a decision • Who is accountable? Do they have the authority to do the work? • Who will carry out decision? • Who needs to provide input? • Who is effected and needs to be notified? • What does success look like? • Create a checklist of what needs to be done

What does support look like? • Open-ended question. • Not “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” • Clarifies roles and expectations • Holds them accountable for asking for what they need

@rmillerwebster Identify the breach.

@rmillerwebster Focus on observable behaviors.

@rmillerwebster How to Talk about Trust • Schedule a time • Start with context: I’d like to talk about trust • Specific behaviors • Clear Examples • Describe the impact of the behavior on individual, team or business • Follow up with consistent actions

@rmillerwebster http://olayar.deviantart.com/art/Birth-plan-icon-monitoring-518120665 Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License

BRAVING: Vault

@rmillerwebster Lack of Trust Stay silent in meetings or after a disagreement Passive aggressive behavior Micromanaging Seek individual recognition “Meeting after the meeting” Interpersonal conflict Revisit the same issues over and over “Dirty Yes”: Say yes to your face and no behind your back Cynicism Withholding information and ideas Invisible Army: Using ‘we” to express your own point of view Frustration Avoid tough conversations and giving feedback Defensiveness Resentment

@rmillerwebster Trusting Teams During meetings, most important and difficult issues are put on the table to be resolved Acknowledge and apologize for mistakes. Willingly makes sacrifices for the good of the team Productive debate and discussions - ends with clear and specific resolutions and call to action Do what you say you’ll do Passionate & unguarded in their discussion of issues Concerned about letting down peers Willing to say no Call out each other’s unproductive behaviors Ask for help Openly admit weakness and mistakes. Don’t over promise Retain employees Leave meetings confident that peers are committed to the decisions made Meetings are engaging and productive

Start with Self-Trust • Three elements of self-compassion: • Self-Kindness: speaking to ourselves as we would speak to our loved ones, even in face of failure; meet mistakes with kindness • Common Humanity: we are not alone and humans shares these feelings of shame and inadequacy • Mindfulness: appropriate responsibility and rumination on feelings and emotions; be present Research from Dr. Kristin Neff

@rmillerwebster Trust is a practice • “Repair trust when it is broken, by being intentional and consistent in your language and actions.” - Charles Feltman, Thin Book of Trust • Walk the Walk • Make amends

Refactoring Trust on your Team Rebecca Miller-Webster @rmillwebster Write/Speak/Code @writespeakcode Dare to Lead by Brené Brown Thin Book of Trust by Charles Felman Understanding Computers and Cognition by Terry Winograd Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff Equilibria myeq.com | @equilibriawomen