LISTENING Your Communication Superpower Christine Seeman

Let’s start with an origin story

@[email protected]

…maybe not quite that type of origin story

Brand new job! Brand new company! Brand new team!

She is so excited to jump in, that she interrupts into conversations…

…and starts sharing, asking for help on new tickets and asking lots of questions. Persistently All the time !!???

How do you think her coworkers react this?

Doesn’t listen Is not respectful Can’t do her own work Not working well together on the team

!?#%

Communications skills aren’t innate

@[email protected] Drawbacks of bad communication • Communication failures can cause problems with the people we interact with the most • Can cause problems at work • Possibly emotional distress and loneliness

So how do you help get your message across?

Benefits of Active Listening

@[email protected] Benefits • Help others feel connected to you • Positively influence relationships • It helps people feel heard, understood, cared for and respected • Coworkers are more likely to collaborate • Clients may prefer you over others who do not take the time to listen • Become a better leader

Elementary Middle High University

How do you become a better communicator?

By becoming an active listener

@[email protected] Definition of Active Listening Psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson developed the concept of active listening in a 1957 paper. They defined the term “Active Listening” as a skill that requires few actions: • Listening for the full meaning of a message • Responding to emotions • Noticing nonverbal communications

The difference between listening and really listening

@[email protected] “ ” Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson Listening brings about changes in peoples attitudes toward themselves and others…

… but how do you listen for the full meaning of a message?

@[email protected] Messages have two components • The content of the message • The feeling or attitude underlying the content

Let’s compare two statements

“I’ve finished my UI ticket”

“Finally, I wrapped up that stupid ticket where I had to work on the front end”

Content of the message is the same, but the actual message has changed

No content

What could have helped the engineer?

What could have helped the engineer? Listen to the full meaning of the messages her coworkers are trying to say!

How to respond to feelings/emotions?

@[email protected] Empathy! • Ability to sense another person’s feelings and imagine what it’s like to be in their position • By understanding another person emotions, you can acknowledge and respond • Without empathy we are less capable of responding to others • By noticing a person’s emotion, this lets them know the emotional part of the message is heard

Without empathy, we only hear words that another person is saying.

Going back to our frustrated co-worker

Going back to our frustrated co-worker “Finally, I wrapped up that stupid ticket where I had to work on the front end”

University Bills College Debt Health Insurance Rent Commuting Bars Cheap Furniture Crappy Apartments Roommates Laundry Taxes Car Insurance Real Life

Reviewing requirements Design an application Configure application Build application Test application Design Code reviews Fix any defects Performance problems Create technical documentation All the responsibilities for a software engineer… but where is the part about working well on a team?

Noticing nonverbal communications

@[email protected] What is Nonverbal Communication • Also called paralanguage • Any type of language that doesn’t use words • Aka body language…

No content

@[email protected] Nonverbal communication • As a listener, what should you pay attention to? • Inflection of their voice, posture, facial expression and eye contact • Does the speaker stress certain points? • Are you speaking loudly or softly?

@[email protected] Nonverbal communication • Nonverbal cues a listener can use • mhmm • ahh • Head nods • Posture • Eye contact

Nonverbal Demo Time

Facial Expression

Body Language

@[email protected] Just as important on video calls as in person • Leave your camera on! • Showing you are listening is missing with a lot of remote meetings • You can demonstrate that same nonverbal communication in your remote interactions

Once you notice the full message, attempt to clarify your understanding

@[email protected] To clarify your understanding, paraphrase! • Just check if you understood the speaker correctly, in your own words. • This is a feedback loop! • Helps helps boost the effectiveness of nonverbal communication • Together, paraphrasing and nonverbal language leave listener feeling more understood and satisfied with the interactions

Could this have helped the engineer?

Could this have helped the engineer? Yes, clarified understanding in conversations. Coworkers would feel heard, she would then leave them more satisfied with interactions

Emotional Labeling

@[email protected] Emotional Labeling • Helpful for communicator and listener • When the emotion has been recognized for what it is, then it can be validated! • Have you ever felt mad about something? Then felt guilty about being mad? • This happens when you don’t think you should feel something you feel! • When emotions are accepted, they are validated. • With active listening, the goal is allow others to express emotions and opinions. • The speaker has a right to feel the way they do, or believe in what they do

Putting it all together

@[email protected] Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding

@[email protected] Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding

@[email protected] Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding

There can be roadblocks

@[email protected] “ ” Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson Because listening reduces the threat of having one’s ideas criticized, the person is better able to see them for what they are and is more likely to feel that his contributions are worthwhile.

@[email protected] Roadblocks Judging - When you have your mind full of judgements, you can’t listen to the opinions of others To help, practice empathy Patronizing - Don’t be that patronizing coworker, people are less likely to want to be around you. Help can be provided with respect and treating others as equals Topping - Taking over a conversation or being the person who as to “top” the other. If you want to add to the conversation, add something to it, don’t just try to be the most interesting person in the room Distraction - If you are distracted while in a conversation, people will notice. Be honest if you have something taking away your concentration, and then try to remove it (aka. Put down your phone) Word vomit - Speaking without a filter. This may hurt someones feelings Pay attention to the words you choose

@[email protected] Obstacles to listening • Physical noise • External sounds • Physiological noise • Biological impairments • Semantic noise • Understanding the meaning • Psychological noise • Mental or emotional factors

@[email protected] All things that were impacting the engineer • Physical noise • New to open concept! • Semantic noise • New tech stack + new industry == all new acronyms • Psychological noise • Frustration was getting in the way of seeing solutions

Active listening shows “I respect your thoughts, and even if I don’t agree with them, I know that they are valid for you.”

Listening is a growth experience

Plot Twist

@[email protected] The engineer was me!

@[email protected]

@[email protected]

@[email protected]

You can never be a perfect communicator

..but you can be a good one

References and further reading christine-seeman.com/talks

@[email protected] Christine Seeman Who am I? 🌽 lifetime learner from Omaha, NE 📚 likes to read too much 🥙🍜🍛 eats food that probably took too long to prepare Professionally solving problems on the CI/CD team at WP Engine christine-seeman.com @[email protected]

👏 Thanks 👏 Connectaha 2023 organizers and volunteers Tyson Reeder for slide design guidance and review (he’s the best) Graphics from: blush.design freepik.com vecteezy.com