Listening - Your Communication Superpower

Everyone speaks about critical communication skills, but good communication isn’t just about talking to people but also listening to them. This under-taught skill may have lapsed in use and practice in the aftermath of Covid-19 but can be improved with proven tips and methods. Whether you are an individual contributor or someone who has people reporting to you, leveling up your listening can supercharge your career. Let’s discover active listening, the importance of nonverbal communication cues, and how to hone your empathic abilities to make you the finest teammate and leader you can be.

Transcript

1. LISTENING Your Communication Superpower Christine Seeman
2. Let’s start with an origin story
3. @christine@ruby.social
4. …maybe not quite that type of origin story
5. Brand new job! Brand new company! Brand new team!
6. She is so excited to jump in, that she interrupts into conversations…
7. …and starts sharing, asking for help on new tickets and asking lots of questions. Persistently All the time !!???
8. How do you think her coworkers react this?
9. Doesn’t listen Is not respectful Can’t do her own work Not working well together on the team
10. !?#%
11. Communications skills aren’t innate
12. @christine@ruby.social Drawbacks of bad communication • Communication failures can cause problems with the people we interact with the most • Can cause problems at work • Possibly emotional distress and loneliness
13. So how do you help get your message across?
14. Benefits of Active Listening
15. @christine@ruby.social Benefits • Help others feel connected to you • Positively influence relationships • It helps people feel heard, understood, cared for and respected • Coworkers are more likely to collaborate • Clients may prefer you over others who do not take the time to listen • Become a better leader
16. Elementary Middle High University
17. How do you become a better communicator?
18. By becoming an active listener
19. @christine@ruby.social Definition of Active Listening Psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson developed the concept of active listening in a 1957 paper. They defined the term “Active Listening” as a skill that requires few actions: • Listening for the full meaning of a message • Responding to emotions • Noticing nonverbal communications
20. The difference between listening and really listening
21. @christine@ruby.social “ ” Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson Listening brings about changes in peoples attitudes toward themselves and others…
22. … but how do you listen for the full meaning of a message?
23. @christine@ruby.social Messages have two components • The content of the message • The feeling or attitude underlying the content
24. Let’s compare two statements
25. “I’ve finished my UI ticket”
26. “Finally, I wrapped up that stupid ticket where I had to work on the front end”
27. Content of the message is the same, but the actual message has changed
29. What could have helped the engineer?
30. What could have helped the engineer? Listen to the full meaning of the messages her coworkers are trying to say!
31. How to respond to feelings/emotions?
32. @christine@ruby.social Empathy! • Ability to sense another person’s feelings and imagine what it’s like to be in their position • By understanding another person emotions, you can acknowledge and respond • Without empathy we are less capable of responding to others • By noticing a person’s emotion, this lets them know the emotional part of the message is heard
33. Without empathy, we only hear words that another person is saying.
34. Going back to our frustrated co-worker
35. Going back to our frustrated co-worker “Finally, I wrapped up that stupid ticket where I had to work on the front end”
36. University Bills College Debt Health Insurance Rent Commuting Bars Cheap Furniture Crappy Apartments Roommates Laundry Taxes Car Insurance Real Life
37. Reviewing requirements Design an application Configure application Build application Test application Design Code reviews Fix any defects Performance problems Create technical documentation All the responsibilities for a software engineer… but where is the part about working well on a team?
38. Noticing nonverbal communications
39. @christine@ruby.social What is Nonverbal Communication • Also called paralanguage • Any type of language that doesn’t use words • Aka body language…
41. @christine@ruby.social Nonverbal communication • As a listener, what should you pay attention to? • Inflection of their voice, posture, facial expression and eye contact • Does the speaker stress certain points? • Are you speaking loudly or softly?
42. @christine@ruby.social Nonverbal communication • Nonverbal cues a listener can use • mhmm • ahh • Head nods • Posture • Eye contact
43. Nonverbal Demo Time
44. Facial Expression
45. Body Language
46. @christine@ruby.social Just as important on video calls as in person • Leave your camera on! • Showing you are listening is missing with a lot of remote meetings • You can demonstrate that same nonverbal communication in your remote interactions
47. Once you notice the full message, attempt to clarify your understanding
48. @christine@ruby.social To clarify your understanding, paraphrase! • Just check if you understood the speaker correctly, in your own words. • This is a feedback loop! • Helps helps boost the effectiveness of nonverbal communication • Together, paraphrasing and nonverbal language leave listener feeling more understood and satisfied with the interactions
49. Could this have helped the engineer?
50. Could this have helped the engineer? Yes, clarified understanding in conversations. Coworkers would feel heard, she would then leave them more satisfied with interactions
51. Emotional Labeling
52. @christine@ruby.social Emotional Labeling • Helpful for communicator and listener • When the emotion has been recognized for what it is, then it can be validated! • Have you ever felt mad about something? Then felt guilty about being mad? • This happens when you don’t think you should feel something you feel! • When emotions are accepted, they are validated. • With active listening, the goal is allow others to express emotions and opinions. • The speaker has a right to feel the way they do, or believe in what they do
53. Putting it all together
54. @christine@ruby.social Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding
55. @christine@ruby.social Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding
56. @christine@ruby.social Listen for the full meaning Notice nonverbal Respond to emotions Clarify understanding
57. There can be roadblocks
58. @christine@ruby.social “ ” Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson Because listening reduces the threat of having one’s ideas criticized, the person is better able to see them for what they are and is more likely to feel that his contributions are worthwhile.
59. @christine@ruby.social Roadblocks Judging - When you have your mind full of judgements, you can’t listen to the opinions of others To help, practice empathy Patronizing - Don’t be that patronizing coworker, people are less likely to want to be around you. Help can be provided with respect and treating others as equals Topping - Taking over a conversation or being the person who as to “top” the other. If you want to add to the conversation, add something to it, don’t just try to be the most interesting person in the room Distraction - If you are distracted while in a conversation, people will notice. Be honest if you have something taking away your concentration, and then try to remove it (aka. Put down your phone) Word vomit - Speaking without a filter. This may hurt someones feelings Pay attention to the words you choose
60. @christine@ruby.social Obstacles to listening • Physical noise • External sounds • Physiological noise • Biological impairments • Semantic noise • Understanding the meaning • Psychological noise • Mental or emotional factors
61. @christine@ruby.social All things that were impacting the engineer • Physical noise • New to open concept! • Semantic noise • New tech stack + new industry == all new acronyms • Psychological noise • Frustration was getting in the way of seeing solutions
62. Active listening shows “I respect your thoughts, and even if I don’t agree with them, I know that they are valid for you.”
63. Listening is a growth experience
64. Plot Twist
65. @christine@ruby.social The engineer was me!
66. @christine@ruby.social
67. @christine@ruby.social
68. @christine@ruby.social
69. You can never be a perfect communicator
70. ..but you can be a good one
71. References and further reading christine-seeman.com/talks
72. @christine@ruby.social Christine Seeman Who am I? 🌽 lifetime learner from Omaha, NE 📚 likes to read too much 🥙🍜🍛 eats food that probably took too long to prepare Professionally solving problems on the CI/CD team at WP Engine christine-seeman.com @christine@ruby.social
73. 👏 Thanks 👏 Connectaha 2023 organizers and volunteers Tyson Reeder for slide design guidance and review (he’s the best) Graphics from: blush.design freepik.com vecteezy.com