Lab Rats (Pitch Project)

Transcript

1. COLD OPEN EXT. APARTMENT FRONT DOOR - DAY A broadcast of the morning news plays on a small T.V. ANCHOR In other news a local man punches a 10-year old for calling him an "NPC". Child's friend says this action was very cringe and not bussin'. Suspect is currently being charged with assault of a child. Barry and Jimbo sit on their makeshift "porch" fenced in with a doggy gate. BARRY 10 years old? My god, what a piece of shit. JIMBO Maybe he was just having a bad day? BARRY Bad day? He punched a kid! JIMBO You've never thought about punching a kid before? Barry TURNS to Jimbo curiously. BARRY I mean, I've thought about it but I- JIMBO There ya go. BARRY (testy) No! No, no, no. Me wanting to punch a kid is not the same as- JENNICA (O.S) You like punching children? Barry stands up out of surprise.
2. 2. BARRY Jennica?? Uhh uh no! JENNICA Shame. Barry does a quick double-take. JIMBO See? Just because you like punching kids doesn't make you a bad person. BARRY I DON'T WANNA PUNCH KIDS! Barry FLAILS as he shouts this and accidentally STRIKES the next-door neighbor kid, knocking him out cold. He turns around dumbstruck. Jimbo pumps his arms in the air. JIMBO And down goes Frazier! END OF COLD OPEN
3. 3. ACT. 1 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jimbo sits on the couch looking at his laptop. Barry ENTERS exasperated. JIMBO How'd the mom take it? BARRY Given I lost half my weed supply and two of my premium cold packs to pay her off.. not great. Jimbo looks over, perplexed. JIMBO You paid her in dope? BARRY Dope? What are you, 70? And unfortunately yes and now I'm late for class. Barry TOSSES some snacks into a bag. JIMBO Got this new guy who applied for our room. He seems like a good fit. BARRY How's that? JIMBO He's a science dude! And given that I'm athletic and you're.. uh.. Barry waits for Jimbo to say something stupid. JIMBO (CONT'D) ..artsy? It's the perfect trifecta! BARRY (indifferent) Sure. JIMBO Yeah! (reading from laptop) (MORE)
4. 4. JIMBO (CONT'D) Got on his LinkedIn that he's currently pursuing a Master's in Behavioral Neuroscience AND he.. uh oh. BARRY What? JIMBO It says here that he likes to cum loudly. Barry does a double-take from the kitchen and makes his way over. BARRY He what?? JIMBO Yeah see right here. Guess he shot some rope at his last school. "Graduated Cum loud." BARRY That's Cum Laude. It's Latin. JIMBO (eureka moment) Ahhh, so he's ethnic. BARRY No and don't say that. I mean, he looks good, send him through. Barry takes a closer look at the profile. BARRY (CONT'D) His name is Adolf Zuckerberg?? Oh man, this guy got the shit end of the shit stick. JIMBO Yeah, I would be so embarrassed if I had the same name as the crab on Futurama. Barry wipes his face in exasperation. BARRY You tire me out, Jimbo. I'm tired. And I'm leaving. JIMBO Alright, see ya soon buddy.
5. 5. Barry EXITS out the front door. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING LAWN - DAY Jennica stands at the front entrance of the building on grass LITTERED with orange peels. She picks one up and examines it. Barry happily walks over. BARRY Hiya Jennica. JENNICA (without looking) If it isn't the child abuser... BARRY Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of that nickname. Needs to be workshopped a little. JENNICA Baby beater? BARRY (sighs) What's up with the orange peels? JENNICA The frat goons next door keep leaving trash on their lawn and it blows over here. A building that looks strikingly like a barn, complete with KAPPA, THETA, KAPPA letters on the side, sits in the next plot. Apple cores and orange peels plague their yard. BARRY Wow Jennica, didn't expect ya for an environmentalist. JENNICA I'm not. I hate animals. But litter over here means I have to WORK more. BARRY (wryly) You could try, I don't know, talking to them? Jennica stares daggers at him.
6. 6. JENNICA Aren't you missing your My Little Pony marathon? BARRY Am I?? Barry checks his phone. BARRY (CONT'D) No, it's not until 6. JENNICA Leave me. As Barry walks away, Jennica looks over at the frat house contemplating her next move. Now a little further out, Barry glances back at Jennica. BARRY (to himself) Man, I hate getting a boner in jeans. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY A knock at the front door. Jimbo answers. JIMBO Hey! Are you Adolf? ADOLF Ja. I am Adolf. Adolf has a heavy accent, very much like Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff. JIMBO Awesome! It's a pleasure! Come on in or should I say "Wilkommen" haha? Adolf looks at Jimbo blankly. JIMBO (CONT'D) (awkward) Alriiiight, well lemme show you around. Jimbo shows Adolf around the apartment, naming off each room. They arrive at Davros' room.
7. 7. JIMBO (CONT'D) And this is where you'll be staying. Our last roommate, Davros, was from Europe like you. ADOLF I am from Ohio. JIMBO Oh.. sorry haha. The accent threw me off. Is it nice there? ADOLF No. An awkward moment of silence between the two. JIMBO Well I'll let you settle in and if you need anything, give me a holler. ADOLF AH yes. I do need something from you, Yimbo. Adolf pulls out an "INFORMED CONSENT" form. ADOLF (CONT'D) Mein program requires housing documentation for continued research. Du and da other roommmate vill need to sign. JIMBO Oh.. okay well once Barry gets back, we can take a look at it. ADOLF Unfortunately, if you kannot sign, I muss look for anozher place an- Not wanting to miss rent, Jimbo zealously cuts him off. JIMBO Oh NO nooo, no need for that. Jimbo grabs a pen and rifles through the forms without reading them. JIMBO (CONT'D) Here we are. (writes as he speaks) (MORE)
8. 8. JIMBO (CONT'D) Jiiimmbo. And I'm sure he won't mind. He flips the page and signs for Barry. JIMBO (CONT'D) Baarrrry. There you are. Welcome to the team! ADOLF Ah, danke schoen. Thank you very much. Adolf organizes the forms and puts them in his bag. JIMBO Anything else I can do for you? ADOLF Hmmmm, do you haf any milk? I could use a glass. JIMBO Milk? ADOLF Ja. JIMBO Uhhh yeah, I think so. Lemme check the fridge. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Jimbo pulls out a carton of lactose-free milk. JIMBO I knew Barry had some stashed in here. He grabs a glass from the cupboard. ADOLF Grab two. Have a glass with me. JIMBO Oh that's okay, I don't drink milk. ADOLF Please, I insist. Jimbo pauses and begrudgingly takes down another glass.
9. 9. JIMBO Uh-uhh alright. They stand opposite each other in the kitchen, milk in hands. ADOLF Yes, das is just what I needed. JIMBO Happy to help. Adolf reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slice of deli- style ham. Jimbo eyes the ham nervously. Adolf dunks the ham into the milk and takes a bite like an Oreo. Jimbo gags a little but hides it. ADOLF Ah yeah. Haf you had Schweinemilchbad? JIMBO I think my aunt was diagnosed with that. Tongue-first, Adolf feeds it to himself like grapes fed to a roman emperor. JIMBO (CONT'D) (forced) Well I'm uh glad you enjoy. Adolf finishes off the ham and milk. ADOLF Yes. Thank you Yimbo. You have made me feel very welcome. Not many people can do that. Jimbo smiles, content with his work. END OF ACT 1
10. 10. ACT 2 EXT. APARTMENT FRONT DOOR - DAY Barry walks back up to his apartment. A local mother sees him and ushers her kids away quickly. Barry looks on in disbelief before he ENTERS the apartment. BARRY YO! JIMBO Whaddupp! Barry DROPS his pack on a chair and RIFLES the fridge. BARRY Hey, who drank all my milk? JIMBO Oop, sorry bout that. Me and the new guy polished it off today. Barry CRACKS open a bottle of juice and pours himself a glass. BARRY Oh wow, he's already moved in? Is he cool? JIMBO He's a pretty nice guy. Interesting tastes. BARRY What do you mean? JIMBO Well he dipped his ham in milk. Barry takes a SWIG of juice but stops mid-drink. BARRY What'd you say? Ham? Like Black Forest? JIMBO I think it was Honey Glazed, but yes. Barry collects himself.
11. 11. BARRY He dipped HAM in MILK and then ate it? JIMBO Correct. BARRY Wh-why?? JIMBO Unsure. At a certain point, he just plopped the whole piece in. (grimaces) Milk ended up a light shade of pink. But hey, I'm an artichoke in mayonnaise kinda guy so I can't judge. We stay on Barry as he WASHES his glass. BARRY I can. You're disgusting and so is he. JIMBO (O.S) Barry. BARRY I mean who puts ham in milk?? Dude's a freak. Barry TURNS back to Jimbo. Adolf is standing BETWEEN them looking at Barry. JIMBO Barry, this is Adolf, our new roommate. BARRY O-oh hello. EXT. KAPPA THETA KAPPA FRONT DOOR - DAY Jennica KNOCKS on the front door of the fraternity building. A long-haired muscular bro in a tie-dyed shirt answers. CONNER Hi, can I help you? JENNICA Hello, yes. There was some tra-
12. 12. CONNER Killer triceps. JENNICA I'm sorry? Conner points at her sculpted form. CONNER You have great triceps, nice long head. Name's Conner by the way. JENNICA I don't care, there wa- Conner turns around. CONNER Hey bros! Check out...what was your name again? JENNICA Hey Conner. Please listen to me. CONNER Apologies. Continue. JENNICA So some of your trash was on my law- The other fraternity members pop up behind Conner. FRAT (different members) Hey, you called? Who's this? Whoa, nice delts. I love your eyeshadow. Jennica THROWS the orange peels through the door. JENNICA Hey! You left your litter on my property! JACKSON (FRAT GUY) Oh nice! Jackson PICKS up a peel and takes a bite. Jennica's repulsed.
13. 13. CONNER Litter? It's biodegradable, we're composting. JENNICA Composting? Orange peels take YEARS to decompose, shit-for-brains. And it's on MY lawn. Whole fraternity groans. CONNER Good vibes only, sister. I think I speak for my brothers here when I declare that our local worm bros must flourish as well. Is it not fair to give back to Mother Earth when we suck from the sweet nipples of the land every day? Jennica at a LOSS for words. JENNICA Yeah that's fine. Just not on my lawn. CONNER We'll clean it up right away, right bros? FRAT (in unison) Conserve and preserve! Jennica stares at them blankly. JENNICA Kay thanks. She EXITS. EXT. APARTMENT FRONT DOOR - DAY Adolf sits on the ratty outdoor sofa writing in a notebook. Barry ENTERS from the apartment holding a wrapped box. BARRY Heeyyy Adolf. Adolf does not look at him. ADOLF Hallo.
14. 14. BARRY I got you this housewarming gift. Barry HANDS the gift to Adolf. BARRY (CONT'D) It's a book I reall- Adolf FRISBEES the gift away to Barry's astonishment. ADOLF No gifts. Barry SITS on the arm of the couch cautiously. BARRY What uh-what are you writing about? ADOLF Human-to-pig kidney transplants. Barry SCOOTS further back. BARRY Cool cool, that's cool. Sooo.. I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. About the ham. ADOLF Es fine. People are not prepared for the future. BARRY Ye-yeah. Well uh, no hard feelings? Barry REACHES out a hand to shake. Adolf eyes it. ADOLF Auf Wiedersehen, Barry. Adolf LEANS over to pick up his bag. Barry SPOTS a tattoo on his nape. Barry SQUINTS in surprise. Adolf STANDS and EXITS. INT. BARRY AND JIMBO'S ROOM - DAY Jimbo performs bodybuilding poses in the mirror. Barry ENTERS hurriedly and closes the door behind him. BARRY Jimbo. Uh question?
15. 15. JIMBO Shoot. BARRY Did Adolf mention any strong.. uh beliefs of his? JIMBO Not that I can remember. BARRY Any tattoos that he may have? JIMBO Nope. Why? BARRY Well, funny story. I was just outside with him and um noticed that he has a little something on his neck. JIMBO Like what? BARRY What kind of tattoo do you not want to see on a German person? JIMBO David Hasslehoff. BARRY The actor!? JIMBO I think Germans prefer pop icon. BARRY Focus Jimbo! JIMBO Gimme a better hint! BARRY Tiny mustache. JIMBO Chaplin. BARRY The Other one.
16. 16. JIMBO Michael Jordan. BARRY THE OTHER ONE! Jimbo takes a beat. JIMBO Oh? Ohh. Ohhhhhhh. I did "not see" that coming, if you know what I mean. Like a nazi? It's a pun. Barry strokes his chin. BARRY That's why he didn't accept my apology. He's a racist! JIMBO No way, my racist radar didn't go off. Barry mouths "racist radar?" to himself. JIMBO (CONT'D) Plus, he bought you another carton of milk to replace the last one. Barry gasps and HURRIES to the kitchen. Jimbo FOLLOWS. Barry opens the new carton and SNIFFS deeply. JIMBO (CONT'D) What are you doing? BARRY Checking for poison. JIMBO I think you're overreacting. Barry shakes his head. BARRY This milk smells okaaay but I don't know about this guy. His name's Adolf! Front Door OPENS suddenly. Jimbo and Barry PANIC and assume suspicious positions. Adolf ENTERS. ADOLF Hallo, I picked up some ice cream.
17. 17. JIMBO Oh wow, thanks man. Adolf hands one to Jimbo and has the other for himself. JIMBO (CONT'D) You only have two? ADOLF I did not think you wanted any, Barry. Du are weak to lactose. BARRY Yeah it's okay. JIMBO But Barry, you love ice cream. You want mine? ADOLF I didn't know- BARRY It's fine it's fine y'know diarrhea. ADOLF Oh is it bad? BARRY I mean I don't.. Kinda, yeah. Hot and uncomfortable. ADOLF Das gross. BARRY Yeah yeah ye.. Conversation comes to an unpleasant silence. Adolf TURNS to Jimbo. ADOLF Jimbo, I have a proposition for you. I haf a small mangonel. We can test it's launch power against your throwing arm. Are you interested? JIMBO (quickly) Yes, I am. Adolf half-heartedly looks to Barry.
18. 18. ADOLF Du want to come? BARRY No no, it's cool. I have a thing I gotta do. SMASH CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Blackout curtains drawn and very dark inside. Barry sits on the couch watching My Little Pony drinking straight out of the new carton of milk. BARRY Oh Gilda Griffon, I wish I could have a heart as big as yours. Barry's stomach GURGLES. BARRY (CONT'D) Ooooh that's not great. He shakes the carton. BARRY (CONT'D) Guess I have put a lot away. Barry takes a closer look. Label reads "LACTOSE LOVER. Double the lactose!" BARRY (CONT'D) Oh. SFX: LOUD INDIGESTION Barry grabs his stomach and rushes to the bathroom. Pants down, he holds onto the toilet for dear life. He checks the toilet paper holder to find it EMPTY. CUT TO: EXT. ALLEY - DAY We see a roll of toilet paper launched from a small mangonel. Adolf and Jimbo, surrounded by an entire package of rolls, CHEER. ADOLF Wow, zis is a lot of toilet paper!
19. 19. JIMBO Yeah I grabbed all of it. CUT BACK TO: INT. BATHROOM He hangs his head in despair. BARRY FUUUUUC- EXT. ALLEY - EVENING Shirtless, Barry throws away the one he was wearing on the toilet. He runs into the mother with her kids from earlier. She SCOWLS at the bare-chested Barry. Barry holds his stomach and lets out a fart so loud that sounds like it tore skin. MOTHER UGH. What is WRONG with you? She shields their eyes and pushes her children away once more. BARRY LACTOSE! EXT. ALLEY - NEXT MORNING Jennica is throwing garbage away when she finds frat guys sifting thru dumpster. CONNER Remember bros, triple R. Reduce, reuse, recycle. LADERIUS Hey! Scented Candles! CONNER Nice find, Laderius. Jennica marches up with her trash. JENNICA Are you serious?
20. 20. CONNER The Goth Goddess herself. Welcome to our Gathering, if you know what I mean. Like gathering trash? It's a pun. JENNICA Shut up. Jennica rubs her temples. JENNICA (CONTD.) (CONT'D) You can't just dig thru my trash like some fuckboi raccoons. Conner holds up half of a cinnammon apple candle. CONNER "One person's trash is another person's pleasure." JENNICA You said that wrong. JACKSON Not for me. Jennica looks down at Jackson's pants. Her mouth falls agape. Jennica POINTS aggressively at Conner. JENNICA Leave my property. CONNER No problemo, muscle mama. Good vibes only! We got a good haul anyways. Conner turns around to the others. CONNER (CONT'D) Let's go, bros. CALEB Hey Con-dog, check it! This shirt is just my size. It's same shirt that Barry was wearing. CONNER Caleb. You look. Fantastic.
21. 21. The Kappa Theta Kappa boys collect their finds, including the trash Jennica just brought out. As they EXIT, Jennica notices a massive poop stain on the back of the t-shirt Caleb picked from the trash. She reels in disgust. END OF ACT 2
22. 22. ACT 3 INT. BARRY AND JIMBO'S ROOM - DAY Jimbo sits at his desk making paper airplanes. Barry ENTERS abruptly. BARRY Jimbo, we have a problem here. Jimbo holds up the airplane. JIMBO Do you think Adolf would appreciate the engineering in this? BARRY No. And Adolf has to leave. JIMBO Wait what? He hasn't even paid rent yet. BARRY He's out to get me! He knows about my lactose aversion and it was DOUBLE, Jimbo! JIMBO It's a mistake. Honestly, he may have just bought that for himself. Kinda rude for you to drink his milk. BARRY YOU TOLD ME- you know what nevermind. The milk was bought and then the toilet paper was taken. Clear trickery! JIMBO I'm positive it was just a coincidence. Plus that toilet paper was the perfect ammo for his German slingshot we got set up in the alley. Barry looks at Jimbo with surprise. Jimbo takes a beat.
23. 23. JIMBO (CONT'D) (under his breath) You should really try it out. BARRY So I have to tolerate racism and violent shits because you want to play with cool science gadgets? JIMBO Cool science gadgets that throw things 700 feet Barry. 700 feet! BARRY Do you hear yourself? Swastika, Jimbo! Nazis! And he's an American Nazi which is somehow worse! JIMBO Maybe he just likes their style? I knew a couple of guys like that back in high school. Barry's mouth is wide open. JIMBO (CONT'D) They weren't aalll bad. Although there was that pig lynching fiasco. Barry SITS down from shock. BARRY I can't believe what I'm hearing. One of my roommates is a Nazi and my best friend is a... sympathizer, I guess? Like an Italian. JIMBO Hey whoa whoa whoa. I am NOT Italian. I'm Irish and you know it. You're out of line. Barry PLACES his head in his hands. JIMBO (CONT'D) Listen buddy, if it's bothering you that much, lemme talk to him. Jimbo goes to find Adolf. CUT TO:
24. 24. INT. DAVROS'S ROOM - DAY Jimbo peeks his head through the door. Adolf is not in his room which covered with Buddhist scrolls and tapestries. A notebook sits on his desk. Jimbo immediately thumbs through the notebook, his eyes open wide. EXT. JENNICA'S FRONT DOOR - DAY Jennica's doorbell rings. She ANSWERS. An older man, COVERED in feathers and stands on her welcome mat. DOUG Yeah this critter flew thru my window screen and broke it. Doug holds up a DEAD chicken. JENNICA Oh jeez, are you alright Doug? DOUG Of course. Threw him in a Nutcracker Choke and little feller's head popped right off. Shoulda known better before invading someone's home. JENNICA Surrre. Uh, we'll get your window fixed. Thanks for the heads-up. DOUG More like heads-off heh heh heh. Doug leans in real close. DOUG (CONT'D) Makin' chicken stew if yer interested. Jennica stares at Doug in silence before LEAVING. EXT. KAPPA THETA KAPPA YARD - AFTERNOON Jennica investigates behind the frat house and discovers and a chicken coop. JENNICA UGHHH!
25. 25. She shoos the chickens out angrily and gathers eggs to start pelting the coop. The frat guys come out of the front door and she ducks out into the alley, near the mangonel. LADERIUS Whoa, who let our chickens out? JACKSON Time to grab the cocks, bros. LADERIUS Haha nice zinger, bro. JACKSON Thanks bro. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS JENNICA (under her breath) Zinger? Jennica sees the mangonel. Lightbulb! She begins loading the eggs and laughs to herself maniacally. INT. FRAT HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Hanging plants, multiple recycling bins and an old Captain Planet poster fill Conner's room. Eggs fly through open window and knock lit scented candles down. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS JENNICA Make my life a living hell, will ya? Jennica eagerly launches more eggs. INT. FRAT HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The compost piles inside the room catch fire and smoke fumes out window. Jennica NOTICES smoke, tilts her head. BOOM! Fire billows out window like Backdraft. She realizes her error and BAILS, leaving the mangonel with the rest of the eggs.
26. 26. INT. BARRY AND JIMBO'S ROOM - DAY Barry sits on Jimbo's bed while Jimbo PACES the floor. JIMBO Dude, he's running an experiment on us! BARRY Like a.. racist experiment? JIMBO No, some kind of weird social experiment?? Take a look for yourself. Jimbo hands Barry the notebook. BARRY (reads from notebook) "Jock appears to enjoy baseline attention from others and simple mechanical creations much like an infant. Cranky Chocolate One is conspiratorial and uncomfortable around situations he cannot handle." BARRY (CONT'D) I KNEW everyone thought that. JIMBO You were right, he lied to us! He really was out to get you. BARRY For the experiment, yeah sure. JIMBO What a jerk! BARRY I don't know.. He's just doing his job. Jimbo turns to Barry, bewildered. JIMBO His job?? It was his job to poison you?
27. 27. BARRY It was just double lactose milk. Actually, looking back that may have just been his personal milk. JIMBO Why lie to us?? BARRY He couldn't tell us the truth. That would ruin the control group. I honestly feel kinda bad now. We ruined his project. JIMBO His Nazi project? You said yourself he had a swastika tattoo. BARRY I mayyyy have jumped the gun there. Look at the notebook, these are Manji symbols. Pretty certain he's just a Buddhist and I'm the racist. SFX: FRONT DOOR CLOSING Barry and Jimbo are alerted to Adolf entering the apartment. JIMBO Much like Kevin Spacey post House of Cards, he's OUT and we don't want him here. BARRY Wait, let's think about this first. Barry tries to block him but Jimbo simply picks him up by the armpits and moves him. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Adolf is at the FRONT DOOR with a suitcase and his mangonel. Jimbo ENTERS from the back. JIMBO Listen Adolf- ADOLF Oh hey guys. Just packing up my stuff. Barry ENTERS behind Jimbo.
28. 28. JIMBO You're leaving? ADOLF Yep. I have enough data for my experiment. Thanks for all your help guys, I really appreciate it. I already Venmo'd you. Adolf TURNS to go but pauses. ADOLF (CONT'D) Apologies for the bluntness Barry, it was for science. BARRY No hard feelings! JIMBO But.. you lied to us. I thought we were friends! ADOLF Zer are no friends in science. You also both signed the informed consent form. Auf Wiedersehn! Adolf EXITS. BARRY What did he mean you both signed? Jimbo hastily changes the subject. JIMBO I'm still pissed he lied. Barry checks his phone to confirm the payment. BARRY Hey, well at least we got rent money for this month. Jimbo meanders towards the door, in a daze. JIMBO No! NO! That was totally rude. I just can't believe anyone would do that! BARRY Oh but the ham in milk was totally normal??
29. 29. Jimbo waggles a finger at Barry. JIMBO I'm gonna go give him a piece of my mind. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING LAWN - DAY Outside. We follow Jimbo towards Adolf. Firetruck and sirens blast thru background. Jimbo looks and frat house is on fire. Frat guys see and point toward Adolf with the mangonel. Police tackle him HARD. Jimbo quickly turns heel and heads home.
30. 30. TAG INT. BARRY AND JIMBO'S ROOM - NIGHT Jimbo and Barry lay in their respective beds. Barry with a unicorn night mask. Jimbo lying awake. JIMBO Barry, are we good people? BARRY I mean no one is perfect, but if you make good decisions at least 51% of the time, you're doing good. Jimbo FLIPS onto his side. JIMBO Do you think we would be bad if we were still monkeys? BARRY That's a lot to unpack. Goodnight Jimbo. JIMBO Goodnight Barry.