We bite in this family

A rant about the things no one tells you about raising young children

Transcript

1. We bite in this family I have no idea what you all are expecting in this talk
2. DISCLAIMER 1: this is not a pc talk. There will be swearing and inappropriate comments
3. DISCLAIMER 2: i do love my kids. Seriously
4. What is this talk even?
5. Who are my kids?
6. This is william. Aged 5 months
7. This is lachlan/lockie. Aged 2.5 years
8. Are they really like tiny drunk adults?
9. yes. Without a shadow of a doubt
10. they are constantly hurting themselves
11. they are assholes. Nothing short of bullies
12. they are assholes. Nothing short of bullies
13. what is coordination?
14. what is coordination?
15. it’s 2am at Bk every minute of the day
16. sure. They’re just like drunks. What else?
17. A person with extreme antisocial attitudes and behaviour. They have no conscience and are often not aware they are even doing anything wrong even when it's obvious they are. They will cold-bloodedly take what they want and do as they please at any expense of anyone.
18. sociopath |ˈsəʊsɪə(ʊ)paθ, ˈsəʊʃɪə(ʊ)-| (n.) A person with extreme antisocial attitudes and behaviour. They have no conscience and are often not aware they are even doing anything wrong even when it's obvious they are. They will cold-bloodedly take what they want and do as they please at any expense of anyone.
19. drunk sociopaths. you live with that?
20. yeah. They don’t tell you that before you have kids
21. They just say “parenting is hard”
22. Truth is, no one knows what the fuck they are doing
23. but people think they do. and they say the dumbest shit to ‘prove’ it
24. You should sign your baby up for pre-school now, otherwise he’ll have to go to kindy and there are gangs there. Baby gangs.
25. If you don't breastfeed, your baby will be stupid and he won’t get into uni to finish his doctorate.
26. You shouldn’t use that brand of baby soap. My aunt’s friend’s sister’s son’s partner did and now her baby has an extra leg.
27. Your son should be walking by now. I asked the postie and she said babies like that usually need surgery on their legs.
28. I wouldn’t go near that playground. I saw shards of glass on the slide once. Well, it turned out to be water but my point is life is dangerous.
29. Don’t let them watch TV. Our neighbor’s boy did and now he is fairly well adjusted and similar to other children on earth.
30. or people just say dumb shit in general
31. “oh, he’s got an old soul”
32. “he’s going to be a heartbreaker!”
33. You soon learn that many people think they’re giving you advice. But they’re giving you opinion
34. your parents are the worst for this
35. there’s also a selfish part to grandparent’s attitudes towards grandchildren. It involves buying them shit
36. buying crap for your grandkids doesn’t make you a better person. It just clutters up my house
37. how many soft toys does one need?
38. ‘special friends’
39. ‘special friends’
40. think you know sleep deprivation?
41. can anyone guess what i think the absolute worst part of being a parent is?
42. it’s children’s birthday parties. Deadly serious
43. anyway, let’s talk about poo
44. i no longer care if i get someone else’s shit on my hands
45. i now find it fascinating to see what digests and what doesn’t
46. no one tells you about how your rubbish bags become really heavy due to shit and piss
47. toilet training can’t come soon enough
48. anyway… how about those disney films
49. they have the most messed up messages
50. Cinderella
51. the lion king
52. frozen
53. snow white
54. sleeping beauty
55. disney doesn’t have to have all the fun. We can spout rubbish to our kids too
56. “If the ice cream truck is playing music then they're all out of ice cream"
57. “Cows are actually horses that got up early to put on cow suits because they didn't want to be ridden that day"
58. “Smelling each other’s farts will make you stronger"
59. “If you don't flush the toilet, after 30 minutes your poo will come alive and eat you”
60. “A penguin lives behind the fridge and if you leave it open for too long then it will come out and bite you”
61. Santa. Urgh, santa
62. to finish up, no one tells you about all the ‘extra’ stuff that is being a parent
63. a the children are the best bit. It’s all the other people involved that are the worst
64. a Thanks