The Art of Marriage Week 4 of 4

Transcript

2. Love INTERRUPTED The Big Brush Strokes Every human relationship that must be maintained will have conflict. Conflict is common to all marriages. The goal is not to be conflict – free but to learn to handle conflict correctly when it occurs. Healthy conflict resolution occurs when couples are willing to seek and grant forgiveness.
3. Every couple deals with anger • Anger allows us to push the “issue” away (if I’m mad at you I don’t have to deal with the issue).
4. James asks an interesting question James 4:1-2 1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. ESV
5. James doesn’t locate our anger in another person • He doesn’t locate our anger in our past. • He doesn’t locate our anger in our experience of oppression or the way we were parented. • He located it by the passions that are at war within us. No one, by James account, can make us angry, its our passion or the sin that resides in me that makes me just want my way.
6. Most anger in marriage comes from an idolatry of the ego • When do all marriages go wrong. It’s when I want to set the rules by which the relationship will work. • I don’t want to have to be nice to you. • I don’t want to have to say I’m sorry. • I don’t want to have to serve you at this time. That’s taking God’s position and writing our own law.
7. • Then we become angry, not because our spouse has broken God’s law, but because they have broken our law. • Think about how little of our anger has anything to do with the Kingdom of God.
8. Anger can have many faces • Traditional side of anger (Throwing things slamming doors, cursing, yelling and screaming) • Passive side of anger (the silent assassin) • Anger not dealt with kills relationships and marriages.
9. Confronting in love Because we are fallen creatures, we can expect conflict in marriage. There are many things in marriage that are not worth fighting about. (“love covers a multitude of sins” {1 Peter 4:8}.) However, there are things that, over time, need to be addressed. We have a responsibility to lovingly confront when issues are undermining your relationship.
10. When preparing to confront Examine your heart (Matt. 7:4) Spend time in prayer Check your motives Choose your timing wisely When it’s time to confront Speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) Choose words carefully (Eph. 4:29)
11. What is the goal in confronting in love? • The goal of loving confrontation is to restore ONENESS in your marriage. • What’s your motivation for confronting? Are you trying to… –Retaliate – or – Restore –Punish – or – Pursue Peace
12. Seeking Forgiveness All Christians have the privilege of seeking and granting forgiveness because of what God has done for us. Eph. 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. KJV
13. When seeking forgiveness • Begin by admitting to God and yourself that you were wrong. • Accept responsibility for the consequences. • Change: consider the attitudes that may have led to the offense and seek to correct them.
14. Steps to seeking forgiveness 1. Be specific: “I’m sorry for _________.” 2. Repent: “I was wrong and don’t want to do that again.” 3. Ask for forgiveness: “Will you forgive me?”
15. Granting Forgiveness True forgiveness is not… • Conditional • Forgetting everything that has happened • Pretending that something did not happen • An automatic cure for the hurt
16. True forgiveness is… • A choice to set your spouse free from the debt of the offense • An attitude of letting go of resentment and vengeance. • The first step toward a process of rebuilding trust • An act of obedience to God
17. Steps to granting forgiveness 1. Do it privately: Go to God in prayer. “God, I forgive _______ for hurting me.” 2. Do it publically and specifically: go to your spouse and be specific. “I forgive you for __________.” 3. Do it graciously: keep the bigger goal in mind. 4. Do it generously: Acknowledge your own failings to maintain balance.
18. Completing the Picture I choose to believe that conflict is common to all marriages. I will seek to handle conflict correctly when it occurs in my marriage. I will practice seeking and granting forgiveness with my spouse.