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My ten favourite programming jokes

Peter Hilton
September 20, 2022

My ten favourite programming jokes

Classic programming jokes, and their cultural value

In this talk, Peter will share his favourite programming jokes. Some of them are even funny. What’s more, Peter is going to explain them all properly, which is probably why he doesn’t get invited to parties. In the middle of serious explanations and actually-funny variations of standard jokes, attendees will discover the serious side to programmer humour. Attendees will cringe at old jokes, laugh at new ones, and learn about how programming jokes form a critical part of our shared cultural identity.

Peter Hilton

September 20, 2022

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  1. ⚠ WARNING Not everyone has heard all of these jokes

    before. Be nice. Be welcoming. 2 @PeterHilton •
  2. @PeterHilton • How many programmers does it take to change

    a lightbulb? None. It’s a hardware problem. 5
  3. @PeterHilton • There are 10 kinds of people in the

    world. Those who understand binary, 
 and those who don’t. 8
  4. @PeterHilton • There are 10 kinds of people in the

    world. Those who understand binary, 
 those who don’t and those who weren’t expecting 
 a base 3 joke 9
  5. @PeterHilton • 11111111: ‘Hey, are you feeling okay?’ 11111011: ‘I’m

    feeling a bit o ff .’ 
 Cassidy @cassidoo 10
  6. @PeterHilton • You have a problem, and you think you

    can solve it using regular expressions. Now you have two problems. 12
  7. @PeterHilton • You have a problem, and you think you

    can solve it using object-relational mapping. Now you have n+1 problems. 13
  8. @PeterHilton • The doctor looked at 
 the computer and

    said, ‘I’m sorry, it’s terminal.’ 
 Jen Gentleman @JenMsft 14
  9. @PeterHilton • What do you think of object-oriented programming in

    Java? I think it would be a good idea. 
 Peter Hilton 16
  10. @PeterHilton • If you put a million monkeys at a

    million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs. 22
  11. @PeterHilton • A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders

    a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders −1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv. 24
  12. @PeterHilton • First real customer walks in and 

    where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into fl ames, 
 killing everyone. 
 @brenankeller 25
  13. @PeterHilton • Programmers love computer games because they get to

    experience performing a task from start to fi nish without the requirements changing 27
  14. @PeterHilton • She’s a 10 but 
 Excel thinks 

    she’s October 
 sophie @netcapgirl 30
  15. @PeterHilton • If MS-DOS was so good, where is MS-TRES?

 Ashi Windsor @NotHayashi 31
  16. @PeterHilton • There are only two hard things in computer

    science: cache invalidation and 
 naming things. 
 Phil Karlton 33
  17. @PeterHilton • There are two hard problems in computer science:

    cache invalidation, naming things, and o ff -by-one errors 
 Leon Bambrick @secretGeek 34
  18. @PeterHilton • There are only two hard problems in distributed

    systems: 2. Exactly-once delivery 1. Guaranteed order of messages 2. Exactly-once delivery @MathiasVerraes 35
  19. @PeterHilton • There’s two hard problems 
 in computer science:

    we only have one joke 
 and it’s not funny 
 Phillip Bowden @pbowden 36
  20. @PeterHilton • Why can’t journalists fi nd out why development

    projects fail? Because the programmers refuse to comment. 38
  21. @PeterHilton • I visited the opticians after I started seeing

    printers, keyboards and mice 
 out the corner of my eye. She said it was just peripheral vision. 
 @ChrisOldwood 39
  22. @PeterHilton • In distributed systems you’re 
 screwed if you

    don’t have caches but 
 if you do, you’ll screw them up. This is known as a cache-22. 
 @PeterSeibel 40
  23. @PeterHilton • I had an argument with a coworker 

    about what variable names 
 we should use in for loops i won 
 Lou Creemers @lovelacecoding 41
  24. @PeterHilton • ‘you can look at the Web as consisting

    of two basic forms of knowledge: the database and the joke’ David Weinberger, Small Pieces Loosely Joined 43
  25. The punchline There aren’t really very many programming jokes The

    best ones are usually variations on a standard joke Each technology has a standard joke everyone should know Standard jokes are class competence checks We can choose between gatekeeping and welcoming each new community member by celebrating their first time 44 @PeterHilton •
  26. @PeterHilton • The hardest problem in computer science 

    not being an opinionated jerk about everything 45