[RubyConf 2026 Las Vegas] Happier

Lightning talk from RubyConf 2026 Las Vegas.

Transcript

1. Happier? A reflection by Alan Ridlehoover
2. [BREATHE] I took a leave of absence this year. [PAUSE] Work had become all-consuming. So urgent, so immediate, so important, that everything else took a back seat. Since I work at home, I rarely left the house. Errands felt like a waste of time. Showering felt like a waste of time. Even sleep felt like an unproductive waste of time. So, my doctor intervened. [PAUSE] While I was on leave, I attended group therapy. Honestly, it was revelatory. I learned…
3. …happiness is fleeting. [PAUSE] It's fleeting because life is full of pain. But we treat it like a fixed destination. And then, we race to get there. For me, that destination was a promotion. I knew I'd find happiness if I could just get promoted. So, I raced, and I raced, and I raced. But like a mirage, the promotion always seemed just beyond reach.

 [PAUSE] 
In therapy, I also learned that when we lose our way, it's often because we don't know our own values. And…
4. …if we don't know our own values,…
5. …we'll spend ourselves on someone else's. [PAUSE] I needed a while for that to sink in. So, I spent some time reflecting. 

In the process, I discovered that the promotion was actually about my dad. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted him to see me, the same way he wanted his father to see him. But like his father before him, my dad spent his career chasing promotions at the expense of time with our family, leaving me longing for his attention. And now, I was doing the same thing. So, if getting promoted was a value I inherited, what were MY values? To figure that out, therapy taught me to reflect on times in my life when I felt most alive, and times when I felt emptiest. Turned out, for me,…

6. …the highs and the lows had the same shape.
 They were both about connection. When I’m feeling connected, I feel alive. When I’m feeling disconnected, I feel empty. It’s the connection that brings me to life. So, now I know…
7. …I long to see and be seen. Not superficially, but deeply. I long to connect with people on an intellectual or emotional level. And I long to connect with my loved ones even more deeply.
 There's one word that describes all of that. It’s…
8. Namaste. Literally, I bow to you. But also, I acknowledge you. I recognize your spirit. I. See. You. That's it. That's the whole shebang. Every value I have is just a different expression of that one longing. [PAUSE]
9. As a greeting namaste is simple and beautiful. As a practice it is difficult and messy. It takes real courage to let your guard down and show people your soul.

Now, it’s one thing for me to stand in front of all of you — a room full of my favorite strangers — and be vulnerable. But to go home and express that I don’t always feel seen or admit I’m not making my loved ones feel seen is infinitely more difficult. Vulnerability with strangers is safe. Vulnerability with the people who mean the most to us — that's terrifying. But that’s where the deepest, most rewarding connections take root. And that’s where I need to be brave.
10. I haven't always been brave enough.

But happiness is a journey, not a destination. Some days I’ll get it right. Some days I won’t. That’s okay.

I have my north star. Tomorrow I’ll take another step toward it.
11. These are my values. This is my path. I’m not asking you to walk it with me. I’m imploring you to stop spending yourself pursuing other people’s values. Find your own. Discover the longing beneath YOUR life, and move toward it! That’s YOUR north star. 
It’s taken me my entire career to see that I was pursuing a value passed down through multiple generations. But I’m done chasing those values. Now, I’m on my own journey to becoming…
12. …happier.
    A reflection by Alan Ridlehoover Inspired by therapy + The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris