How To Properly Allocate The F*cks You Give - CocoaHeads NL, Utrecht, April 2019

The Dutch edition of my talk about "A pointer to something you care about", as the CocoaHeads Meetup page gently put it.

WARNING: Exceptionally foul language. Well, not that exceptional for me, but probably for most presentations on this site.

Abstract:

📣 If you are offended by wildly improper language, you probably ought to have stopped reading after the talk title, but you should definitely not read the rest of this description. 📣

We've all seen the memes of a person gleefully gesturing in the direction of the fucks they don't give, and the self-help books about how not to give a fuck. But what if the true challenge was not how to not give a fuck, but how to properly allocate the fucks that you do give? Ellen will talk about her lifelong challenge with over-allocation of fucks, the temptation to give zero fucks whatsoever, and some thoughts and techniques she's been using to balance what fucks to give.

Transcript

1. COURTESY SLIDE ! WITHOUT CURSING
6. GAY PORN
7. GAY PORN
8. FOUL LANGUAGE
11. GET OVER IT, KILLJOYS
12. !
13. HOW TO PROPERLY ALLOCATE THE FUCKS YOU GIVE COCOAHEADS NL | UTRECHT | APRIL 2019 BAKKENBAECK.NO | JUSTHUM.COM | @DESIGNATEDNERD
15. Source: http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm
16. WHAT IS A FUCK?
17. Illustration by NASA
19. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
27. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
28. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I DON'T CARE
29. GIVING A FUCK = CARING
30. NOT GIVING A FUCK VS. NOT GIVING A SHIT
31. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
32. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT" "I DON'T CARE
33. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT" "I DON'T CARE, NOR SHOULD I."
34. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I DON'T CARE EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD
35. WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT?
38. ! SHAMELESS PLUG BAKKENBAECK.COM
45. MARGINALLY INSANE ! METAPHOR ALERT
46. A FUCK IS A POINTER TO SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT
47. [fuck autorelease]
48. [fuck autorelease] DOES NOT EXIST
49. [fuck retain]
50. [fuck release]
61. SPOILER ALERT!
63. NOT GIVING ANY FUCKS JUST MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE
65. !
66. PRIORITIZE THE FUCKS YOU GIVE
67. CODE REVIEW
68. QUALITY OF CODE VS. BEING RIGHT
69. QUALITY OF CODE VS. BEING RIGHT
70. QUALITY OF CODE VS. SHIPPING
71. QUALITY OF CODE VS. SHIPPING
72. COMMUNICATION OF FRUSTRATION
76. !
91. FUCK OVERFLOW
92. ! BURNOUT
93. FUCK OVERFLOW
94. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() // Dispose of resources that can be recreated. } }
95. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() print("Welp, we're fucked") } }
96. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() self.enormousChunkOfData = nil } }
97. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { } }
98. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() } }
99. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() self.fucksGiven.removeAll() } }
100. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() // self.fucksGiven.removeAll() } }
101. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() // self.fucksGiven.removeAll() self.fucksGiven.remove(where: { !$0.isCritical }) } }
102. GUARDING AGAINST FUCK OVERFLOW
103. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED TO DO
105. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED TO DO
106. RE-EVALUATE THE PRIORITIZATION OF FUCKS GIVEN
107. HOW DO I ACTUALLY SPEND MY TIME?
108. HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME?
110. HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME?
111. [fuck release]
112. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
113. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
114. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
115. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
116. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout) ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently
117. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout) ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently ▸ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck
118. THANKS A FUCKING LOT!
119. LINKS! The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck The Number of Fucks in Deadwood http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm
123. Fuck overretention
125. WHAT IS THE BEST TECHNICAL DECISION VS. WHAT IS BEST FOR THE USER VS. WHAT THE CLIENT WANTS