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How To Properly Allocate The F*cks You Give - CocoaHeads NL, Utrecht, April 2019

Ellen Shapiro
PRO
April 17, 2019
100

How To Properly Allocate The F*cks You Give - CocoaHeads NL, Utrecht, April 2019

The Dutch edition of my talk about "A pointer to something you care about", as the CocoaHeads Meetup page gently put it.

WARNING: Exceptionally foul language. Well, not that exceptional for me, but probably for most presentations on this site.

Abstract:

📣 If you are offended by wildly improper language, you probably ought to have stopped reading after the talk title, but you should definitely not read the rest of this description. 📣

We've all seen the memes of a person gleefully gesturing in the direction of the fucks they don't give, and the self-help books about how not to give a fuck. But what if the true challenge was not how to not give a fuck, but how to properly allocate the fucks that you do give? Ellen will talk about her lifelong challenge with over-allocation of fucks, the temptation to give zero fucks whatsoever, and some thoughts and techniques she's been using to balance what fucks to give.

Ellen Shapiro
PRO

April 17, 2019
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Transcript

  1. COURTESY SLIDE
    !
    WITHOUT CURSING

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  6. GAY PORN

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  7. GAY PORN

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  8. FOUL LANGUAGE

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  9. View Slide

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  11. GET OVER IT, KILLJOYS

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  12. !

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  13. HOW TO PROPERLY ALLOCATE THE
    FUCKS YOU GIVE
    COCOAHEADS NL | UTRECHT | APRIL 2019
    BAKKENBAECK.NO | JUSTHUM.COM | @DESIGNATEDNERD

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  14. View Slide

  15. Source: http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm

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  16. WHAT IS A FUCK?

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  17. Illustration by NASA

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  18. View Slide

  19. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

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  27. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK

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  28. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    I DON'T CARE

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  29. GIVING A FUCK = CARING

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  30. NOT GIVING A FUCK
    VS.
    NOT GIVING A SHIT

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  31. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"

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  32. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
    "I DON'T CARE

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  33. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
    "I DON'T CARE, NOR SHOULD
    I."

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  34. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    I DON'T CARE EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD

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  35. WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT?

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  36. View Slide

  37. View Slide

  38. !
    SHAMELESS PLUG
    BAKKENBAECK.COM

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  44. View Slide

  45. MARGINALLY INSANE
    !
    METAPHOR ALERT

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  46. A FUCK IS A POINTER
    TO SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT

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  47. [fuck autorelease]

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  48. [fuck autorelease]
    DOES NOT EXIST

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  49. [fuck retain]

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  50. [fuck release]

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  60. View Slide

  61. SPOILER ALERT!

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  62. View Slide

  63. NOT GIVING ANY FUCKS
    JUST MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE

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  64. View Slide

  65. !

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  66. PRIORITIZE
    THE FUCKS YOU GIVE

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  67. CODE REVIEW

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  68. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    BEING RIGHT

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  69. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    BEING RIGHT

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  70. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    SHIPPING

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  71. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    SHIPPING

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  72. COMMUNICATION OF
    FRUSTRATION

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  73. View Slide

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  75. View Slide

  76. !

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  77. View Slide

  78. View Slide

  79. View Slide

  80. View Slide

  81. View Slide

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  90. View Slide

  91. FUCK OVERFLOW

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  92. !
    BURNOUT

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  93. FUCK OVERFLOW

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  94. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    // Dispose of resources that can be recreated.
    }
    }

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  95. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    print("Welp, we're fucked")
    }
    }

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  96. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    self.enormousChunkOfData = nil
    }
    }

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  97. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    }
    }

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  98. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    }
    }

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  99. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
    }
    }

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  100. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    // self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
    }
    }

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  101. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    // self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
    self.fucksGiven.remove(where: { !$0.isCritical })
    }
    }

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  102. GUARDING AGAINST
    FUCK OVERFLOW

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  103. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
    COMMITTED TO DO

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  105. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
    COMMITTED TO DO

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  106. RE-EVALUATE
    THE PRIORITIZATION OF FUCKS GIVEN

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  107. HOW DO I ACTUALLY
    SPEND MY TIME?

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  108. HOW DO I WANT TO
    SPEND MY TIME?

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  110. HOW DO I WANT TO
    SPEND MY TIME?

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  111. [fuck release]

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  112. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE

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  113. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
    ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about

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  114. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
    ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
    ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole

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  115. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
    ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
    ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
    ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)

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  116. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
    ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
    ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
    ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
    ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently

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  117. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
    ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
    ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
    ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
    ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently
    ▸ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck

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  118. THANKS A FUCKING LOT!

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  119. LINKS!
    The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck
    https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
    The Number of Fucks in Deadwood
    http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm

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  123. Fuck overretention

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  125. WHAT IS THE BEST TECHNICAL DECISION
    VS.
    WHAT IS BEST FOR THE USER
    VS.
    WHAT THE CLIENT WANTS

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  126. View Slide