How To Properly Allocate The F*cks You Give - CocoaHeads NL, Utrecht, April 2019

The Dutch edition of my talk about "A pointer to something you care about", as the CocoaHeads Meetup page gently put it.

WARNING: Exceptionally foul language. Well, not that exceptional for me, but probably for most presentations on this site.

Abstract:

📣 If you are offended by wildly improper language, you probably ought to have stopped reading after the talk title, but you should definitely not read the rest of this description. 📣

We've all seen the memes of a person gleefully gesturing in the direction of the fucks they don't give, and the self-help books about how not to give a fuck. But what if the true challenge was not how to not give a fuck, but how to properly allocate the fucks that you do give? Ellen will talk about her lifelong challenge with over-allocation of fucks, the temptation to give zero fucks whatsoever, and some thoughts and techniques she's been using to balance what fucks to give.

Transcript

1. COURTESY SLIDE
   !
   WITHOUT CURSING
   

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6. GAY PORN
   

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7. GAY PORN
   

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8. FOUL LANGUAGE
   

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11. GET OVER IT, KILLJOYS
    

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12. !
    

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13. HOW TO PROPERLY ALLOCATE THE
    FUCKS YOU GIVE
    COCOAHEADS NL | UTRECHT | APRIL 2019
    BAKKENBAECK.NO | JUSTHUM.COM | @DESIGNATEDNERD
    

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15. Source: http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm
    

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16. WHAT IS A FUCK?
    

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17. Illustration by NASA
    

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19. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    

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27. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    

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28. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    I DON'T CARE
    

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29. GIVING A FUCK = CARING
    

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30. NOT GIVING A FUCK
    VS.
    NOT GIVING A SHIT
    

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31. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
    

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32. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
    "I DON'T CARE
    

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33. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
    "I DON'T CARE, NOR SHOULD
    I."
    

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34. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
    I DON'T CARE EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD
    

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35. WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT?
    

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38. !
    SHAMELESS PLUG
    BAKKENBAECK.COM
    

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45. MARGINALLY INSANE
    !
    METAPHOR ALERT
    

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46. A FUCK IS A POINTER
    TO SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT
    

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47. [fuck autorelease]
    

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48. [fuck autorelease]
    DOES NOT EXIST
    

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49. [fuck retain]
    

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50. [fuck release]
    

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61. SPOILER ALERT!
    

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63. NOT GIVING ANY FUCKS
    JUST MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE
    

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65. !
    

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66. PRIORITIZE
    THE FUCKS YOU GIVE
    

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67. CODE REVIEW
    

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68. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    BEING RIGHT
    

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69. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    BEING RIGHT
    

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70. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    SHIPPING
    

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71. QUALITY OF CODE
    VS.
    SHIPPING
    

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72. COMMUNICATION OF
    FRUSTRATION
    

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76. !
    

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91. FUCK OVERFLOW
    

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92. !
    BURNOUT
    

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93. FUCK OVERFLOW
    

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94. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    // Dispose of resources that can be recreated.
    }
    }
    

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95. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    print("Welp, we're fucked")
    }
    }
    

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96. class ViewController: UIViewController {
    var enormousChunkOfData: Data?
    func didReceiveMemoryWarning() {
    super.didReceiveMemoryWarning()
    self.enormousChunkOfData = nil
    }
    }
    

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97. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    }
    }
    

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98. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    }
    }
    

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99. class You: Human {
    var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
    func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
    super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
    self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
    }
    }
    

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100. class You: Human {
     var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
     func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
     super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
     // self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
     }
     }
     

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101. class You: Human {
     var fucksGiven = [Fuck]()
     func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() {
     super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut()
     // self.fucksGiven.removeAll()
     self.fucksGiven.remove(where: { !$0.isCritical })
     }
     }
     

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102. GUARDING AGAINST
     FUCK OVERFLOW
     

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103. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
     COMMITTED TO DO
     

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105. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
     COMMITTED TO DO
     

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106. RE-EVALUATE
     THE PRIORITIZATION OF FUCKS GIVEN
     

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107. HOW DO I ACTUALLY
     SPEND MY TIME?
     

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108. HOW DO I WANT TO
     SPEND MY TIME?
     

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110. HOW DO I WANT TO
     SPEND MY TIME?
     

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111. [fuck release]
     

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112. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     

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113. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
     

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114. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
     ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
     

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115. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
     ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
     ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
     

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116. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
     ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
     ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
     ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently
     

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117. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE
     ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
     ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable asshole
     ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
     ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently
     ▸ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck
     

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118. THANKS A FUCKING LOT!
     

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119. LINKS!
     The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck
     https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
     The Number of Fucks in Deadwood
     http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm
     

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123. Fuck overretention
     

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125. WHAT IS THE BEST TECHNICAL DECISION
     VS.
     WHAT IS BEST FOR THE USER
     VS.
     WHAT THE CLIENT WANTS
     

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