1 Any Quest - Pilot Script Ext. City gate, Morning Sir Dashel and Ham the Squire stare at a bulletin board reading "Welcomme to the Kingdome of Cornutopia." Ads for odd jobs around the kingdom cover it. Ham takes 7 or 8 posters off the board and rifles through them. HAM Wow! Look at all these! There are openings at the Baker's Guild, the Juicer's League, and the Macaroni Association! There's so many opportunities here. I don't know what we should do first. DASHEL There's only one thing we need to be doing. Dashel grabs a bounty paper that is 10x larger than all the rest. It reads: "Hungry King Seeks Champion to Strong-Arm Royal Pickle Jar." DASHEL "Champion." I like the sound of that. Yes. This is exactly the kind of quest we need! By this time tomorrow, I, Sir Dashel, will be named "Savior of Cornutopia," or "Conqueror of Jars," or ... "The Pickled Knight"... They begin to walk towards the castle in the distance. HAM That's what you said in the last 5 kingdoms. I don't know if you're thinking through your plan to become “Greatest Knight in All the Land.” DASHEL Remember Lesson 47, Hamlet: actions speak louder than words, and since we think in words, you should always act before you think. That’s just basic logic! I guess this is why I am the knight- and you are the squire. HAM Aren't you ever curious about anything in the world other than knight stuff? DASHEL ... I don't follow... HAM
2 I mean, look around! What if I'm not meant to become a knight! What if I'm supposed to be a baker, or a-a pirate, or a-a...a THAT guy! He points to a sad-looking man shoveling questionable material from one pile to another. DASHEL ... A dung shoveler? HAM I'll never know if I don't try! DASHEL Ham, you're doing far too much thinking. This is our big moment, and I need you to stay focused. I -er, we can't afford to get distracted. Ham is still watching the dung-shoveler. HAM What? What were you saying? DASHEL Good. Here we go! Int. Throne Room Dashel bursts into the otherwise quiet throne room. He flashes a big confident smile. He is greeted by silence and cold stares. Ham leaps forward and plays a dramatic note on a kazoo. HAM He's brave, handsome, strong, and famous. Dashel is the all around greatest. Tall & lanky, with stinky breath. Always rushing to certain death. Besting quests of perilous nature. Dashel, the knight of greatest stature. Every kingdom, a new disaster. Everyone thinks he's a real bastar- DASHEL As you can tell from my squire's melodious jingle, I am the champion who will finally liberate your pickles. KING I have tasted every kind of pickle in this land. But the pickles in this jar continue to elude me. They hail from a kingdom long lost to the ages. It is my life's purpose to try these pickles! Open them, and I shall make you my champion.
3 DASHEL Consider it done, Your Majesty. He grabs the jar and immediately starts trying to twist the lid. As Dashel fruitlessly struggles with the jar, Ham approaches the King's banquet table. The Royal Taster stands at attention. HAM Hey, so what do you do around here? TASTER I'm the Royal Taster. I put my life on the line everyday to keep the king from getting poisoned. HAM Whoa, that's crazy! You mean that you spend all day just eating this fancy food? What do you do if it's poisoned? TASTER I die. HAM Ooooo... sounds exciting! Maybe I can be a Royal Taster. What haven't you eaten yet today? TASTER That soup hasn't been tried yet. It might be compromised. Ham grabs a bowl of hot soup from the table. HAM (Slurp) Hmmm, I don't feel poisoned.... I think I'm getting the hang of this! Dashel finally passes out from over-exertion. There is a collective gasp from the royal court. KING Humph, I knew you weren't champion material. Guards! Toss this fool out on the road! HAM Wait! Don't toss him out. Ham runs over with a bowl of soup, thinks for a second, then picks up the jar, and plops it into the hot liquid. There is a 'pop' sound, and Ham easily unscrews the jar. A large green smoke cloud spews from the jar and a genie appears. He has a nametag that says 'Hello, my name is: Dilliam'.
4 DASHEL (waking up) Huh... aha! I knew I could do it! Put that in your jar and pickle it! DILLIAM You have released me from my vinegar prison! Speak 3 wishes and they shall be granted. KING Egads! This is better than I imagined! Genie! I wish to partake of every pickle ever to exist! DILLIAM Donnnnneee... Dilliam snaps his fingers and the king gets inflated by massive amounts of pickles magically streaming into his mouth. Finally it stops, and the King lets out a seismic burp. It shatters the castle doors and rips the faces off of his subjects. The King's soul gets ejected as well. DASHEL Confound it. I can't be the champion if everyone's dead... Aha! I wish everyone here was alive once more! DILLIAM Donnnnne... Dilliam snaps his fingers and the king and his subjects stand up as zombies and begin chasing Dashel around the throne room, out for blood. HAM Wow, a genie, huh? That must be so cool! What's it like? Must be pretty stressful, granting all those wishes. DILLIAM Nah, the wishes are easy. It's actually twisting them around on people that's hard. HAM Don't you ever feel bad about doing that? DILLIAM Nope, I'm cursed to have no conscience. HAM
5 No conscience... whoa... I never thought about that. I wish I could have your powers and see what it's like to be a genie. DILLIAM Uh... done? Dilliam snaps his fingers. Dilliam becomes human, and Ham turns into a genie, attached to the pickle jar and with the genie’s goatee. HAM (Trying out his magic a little) Cooool... DILLIAM I’m...me again... I feel so... odd. Where’s my goatee? DASHEL Excellent work, Ham! A genie squire! Who wouldn’t want a champion with a genie squire? Now, assist me! HAM Well, if I’m going to be a proper genie, you have to make a wish! DASHEL Of course. I wish for a bigger sword! HAM Donnne...? Ham snaps his fingers and Dashel's sword grows very large... too large to lift. DASHEL Aha, that’s more like it! He tries to lift it, but it doesn’t even budge. DASHEL Yes, well. Perhaps... yes, perhaps in this case I wish my sword was lighter... HAM Donnne… Dashel lifts the sword with great ease, swings it into a zombie’s face. It makes distinct SQUEAK. The sword is now a balloon toy. Dashel yells in frustration.
6 DILLIAM Is that what I've been doing to people this whole time? How many lives have I ruined... Dilliam starts going insane, babbling about all times he messed with people’s wishes. Dashel grabs Dilliam and uses him as a human shield. The undead horde begins gnawing at his limbs. DASHEL This is hardly proper squire-ing! You’re supposed to be helping me, remember? HAM Sorry, I’m not a squire anymore.This genie gig is really working for me. I can only help you if you make a wish. DASHEL I tried that! Wishing keeps making it worse! HAM You have to make a wish that I can’t twist around. Think of something specific!!! DASHEL You want me to think at a time like this?! How many times do I have to tell you?! Actions speak louder than- DILLIAM -YOU! This is all your fault! Make it stop! Make it stop! I wish you had never opened my stupid jar! HAM Done. He snaps his fingers and the world reverts to just before he opened the jar. Ham splashes the soup on Dashel, waking him. He snaps his fingers and the world reverts to just before he opened the jar. He's confused for a few seconds, reaching for his now non-existent goatee. He splashes the soup on Dashel, waking him. KING As I expected, you have failed! You are BANISHED FOR LIFE! Leave my kingdom and NEVER return! DASHEL Fine by me! T'was a foolish deed anyway! Pshh, open a jar of pickles...
7 HAM (to Royal Taster) Uh, yeah... I don't think this job works for me after all. Have fun! Dashel tosses the jar on the ground, breaking it, and storms out with Ham hurrying behind him. EXT. On the road outside Cornutopia Dashel and Ham are walking away from the kingdom with Cornutopia in the distance. A faraway BOOM is heard, and the roof of the keep is blown off from the King's seismic burp. HAM Where to next, Dash? DASHEL This way! The Kingdom of Magicia is but a day's walk away! I'm in the mood for something a bit more spellbinding, aren't you? That one ended up being a bit mundane. HAM But the genie...and the zombies! *sigh*...Onward? DASHEL ONWARD! Now, on to Lesson 48: Memory. A knight should have a mind like a steel trap. Are you writing these down?
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