This is the pilot script for our 2016 Go! Cartoons submission. (We changed "Greg" to "Ham" in this version for those of you keeping track.)
This script was a tons of fun to write and still makes me chuckle as I read it.
Any Quest - Pilot Script
Ext. City gate, Morning
Sir Dashel and Ham the Squire stare at a bulletin board reading "Welcomme to the Kingdome of
Cornutopia." Ads for odd jobs around the kingdom cover it. Ham takes 7 or 8 posters off the
board and rifles through them.
Wow! Look at all these! There are openings at the Baker's Guild, the Juicer's League, and the
Macaroni Association! There's so many opportunities here. I don't know what we should do first.
There's only one thing we need to be doing.
Dashel grabs a bounty paper that is 10x larger than all the rest. It reads: "Hungry King Seeks
Champion to Strong-Arm Royal Pickle Jar."
"Champion." I like the sound of that. Yes. This is exactly the kind of quest we need! By this time
tomorrow, I, Sir Dashel, will be named "Savior of Cornutopia," or "Conqueror of Jars," or ... "The
They begin to walk towards the castle in the distance.
That's what you said in the last 5 kingdoms. I don't know if you're thinking through your plan to
become “Greatest Knight in All the Land.”
Remember Lesson 47, Hamlet: actions speak louder than words, and since we think in words,
you should always act before you think. That’s just basic logic! I guess this is why I am the
knight- and you are the squire.
Aren't you ever curious about anything in the world other than knight stuff?
... I don't follow...
I mean, look around! What if I'm not meant to become a knight! What if I'm supposed to be a
baker, or a-a pirate, or a-a...a THAT guy!
He points to a sad-looking man shoveling questionable material from one pile to another.
... A dung shoveler?
I'll never know if I don't try!
Ham, you're doing far too much thinking. This is our big moment, and I need you to stay
focused. I -er, we can't afford to get distracted.
Ham is still watching the dung-shoveler.
What? What were you saying?
Good. Here we go!
Int. Throne Room
Dashel bursts into the otherwise quiet throne room. He flashes a big confident smile. He is
greeted by silence and cold stares. Ham leaps forward and plays a dramatic note on a kazoo.
He's brave, handsome, strong, and famous. Dashel is the all around greatest.
Tall & lanky, with stinky breath. Always rushing to certain death.
Besting quests of perilous nature. Dashel, the knight of greatest stature.
Every kingdom, a new disaster. Everyone thinks he's a real bastar-
As you can tell from my squire's melodious jingle, I am the champion who will finally liberate
I have tasted every kind of pickle in this land. But the pickles in this jar continue to elude me.
They hail from a kingdom long lost to the ages. It is my life's purpose to try these pickles! Open
them, and I shall make you my champion.
Consider it done, Your Majesty.
He grabs the jar and immediately starts trying to twist the lid. As Dashel fruitlessly struggles with
the jar, Ham approaches the King's banquet table. The Royal Taster stands at attention.
Hey, so what do you do around here?
I'm the Royal Taster. I put my life on the line everyday to keep the king from getting poisoned.
Whoa, that's crazy! You mean that you spend all day just eating this fancy food? What do you
do if it's poisoned?
Ooooo... sounds exciting! Maybe I can be a Royal Taster. What haven't you eaten yet today?
That soup hasn't been tried yet. It might be compromised.
Ham grabs a bowl of hot soup from the table.
Hmmm, I don't feel poisoned.... I think I'm getting the hang of this!
Dashel finally passes out from over-exertion. There is a collective gasp from the royal court.
Humph, I knew you weren't champion material. Guards! Toss this fool out on the road!
Wait! Don't toss him out.
Ham runs over with a bowl of soup, thinks for a second, then picks up the jar, and plops it into
the hot liquid. There is a 'pop' sound, and Ham easily unscrews the jar. A large green smoke
cloud spews from the jar and a genie appears. He has a nametag that says 'Hello, my name is:
Huh... aha! I knew I could do it! Put that in your jar and pickle it!
You have released me from my vinegar prison! Speak 3 wishes and they shall be granted.
Egads! This is better than I imagined! Genie! I wish to partake of every pickle ever to exist!
Dilliam snaps his fingers and the king gets inflated by massive amounts of pickles magically
streaming into his mouth. Finally it stops, and the King lets out a seismic burp. It shatters the
castle doors and rips the faces off of his subjects. The King's soul gets ejected as well.
Confound it. I can't be the champion if everyone's dead... Aha! I wish everyone here was alive
Dilliam snaps his fingers and the king and his subjects stand up as zombies and begin chasing
Dashel around the throne room, out for blood.
Wow, a genie, huh? That must be so cool! What's it like? Must be pretty stressful, granting all
Nah, the wishes are easy. It's actually twisting them around on people that's hard.
Don't you ever feel bad about doing that?
Nope, I'm cursed to have no conscience.
No conscience... whoa... I never thought about that. I wish I could have your powers and see
what it's like to be a genie.
Dilliam snaps his fingers. Dilliam becomes human, and Ham turns into a genie, attached to the
pickle jar and with the genie’s goatee.
(Trying out his magic a little)
I’m...me again... I feel so... odd. Where’s my goatee?
Excellent work, Ham! A genie squire! Who wouldn’t want a champion with a genie squire? Now,
Well, if I’m going to be a proper genie, you have to make a wish!
Of course. I wish for a bigger sword!
Ham snaps his fingers and Dashel's sword grows very large... too large to lift.
Aha, that’s more like it!
He tries to lift it, but it doesn’t even budge.
Yes, well. Perhaps... yes, perhaps in this case I wish my sword was lighter...
Dashel lifts the sword with great ease, swings it into a zombie’s face. It makes distinct SQUEAK.
The sword is now a balloon toy. Dashel yells in frustration.
Is that what I've been doing to people this whole time? How many lives have I ruined...
Dilliam starts going insane, babbling about all times he messed with people’s wishes. Dashel
grabs Dilliam and uses him as a human shield. The undead horde begins gnawing at his limbs.
This is hardly proper squire-ing! You’re supposed to be helping me, remember?
Sorry, I’m not a squire anymore.This genie gig is really working for me. I can only help you if you
make a wish.
I tried that! Wishing keeps making it worse!
You have to make a wish that I can’t twist around. Think of something specific!!!
You want me to think at a time like this?! How many times do I have to tell you?! Actions speak
-YOU! This is all your fault! Make it stop! Make it stop! I wish you had never opened my stupid
He snaps his fingers and the world reverts to just before he opened the jar. Ham splashes the
soup on Dashel, waking him. He snaps his fingers and the world reverts to just before he
opened the jar. He's confused for a few seconds, reaching for his now non-existent goatee. He
splashes the soup on Dashel, waking him.
As I expected, you have failed! You are BANISHED FOR LIFE! Leave my kingdom and NEVER
Fine by me! T'was a foolish deed anyway! Pshh, open a jar of pickles...
(to Royal Taster)
Uh, yeah... I don't think this job works for me after all. Have fun!
Dashel tosses the jar on the ground, breaking it, and storms out with Ham hurrying behind him.
EXT. On the road outside Cornutopia
Dashel and Ham are walking away from the kingdom with Cornutopia in the distance. A faraway
BOOM is heard, and the roof of the keep is blown off from the King's seismic burp.
Where to next, Dash?
This way! The Kingdom of Magicia is but a day's walk away! I'm in the mood for something a bit
more spellbinding, aren't you? That one ended up being a bit mundane.
But the genie...and the zombies! *sigh*...Onward?
ONWARD! Now, on to Lesson 48: Memory. A knight should have a mind like a steel trap. Are
you writing these down?