Two young explorers discover something ancient underground. Are they fast enough to escape the dial-up menace?!
This is a script we submitted to the Nick Shorts Program. We liked the "Ham" character that we had created in a previous idea - so we decided to lift him into this script as well.
Eric T Martin, Ross Reagan, & Ian Suen
2016 Coffeebot Studios, LLC [email protected]
INSIDE AN ANCIENT CAVE, UNKNOWN PLANET
HAMLET, a boy of about 14, wearing a something people in the
1950s thought a future spacesuit would look like, flies up
towards an opening in the ceiling using a jetpack. His
flight ends abruptly, and he makes a hard landing on the
AI, a human-like robot with a head like an old-fashioned
diver’s helmet, surveys their surroundings. She turns to Ham
upon hearing him crash to the ground.
Oh? Do humans enjoy falling on
their butts? ... Or is your jetpack
Nah, just outta juice. Maybe a
solar-powered jetpack wasn’t the
best idea for exploring a cave...
Oh well, that just means we have
more time to look around! Right,
More time? Hamlet, we’ve already
been down here all day without
finding anything. At this rate, all
that will be left to find will be
our dead bodies.
Trust me, no one will be finding
(AI gives Ham a worried look)
Because we’re going to get out
alive, I mean! Admit it, there has
to be something to discover down
here. I know it!
Ham looks at his compass as he turns to march onward
confidently, but trips immediately on a vine. He falls
face-first on the ground. The vines cause a huge mass of
plants to fall off the wall, revealing a giant screen the
size of a living room and a wide console in front of it.
Hamlet’s eyes double in size and his mouth starts to drool
over this great new discovery.
(whisper) I knew it. (yelling)
DISCOVERYYYYYYYY! It’s a... it’s
a... uhm. What is it?
My scanners are saying it’s a
computer... but my eyes are telling
me it’s an ancient piece of junk.
(hugging the screen)
What?! This is exactly the kind of
discovery I was talking about!
We’re probably the first to see
this in a million-zillion years!
Who knows what kind of crazy files
and stuff are in this! AI, you’re a
robot, pleeeease tell me that you
can talk to this thing.
Of course I can talk to it! I can
talk to any computer. But, it seems
like its battery is dead. Like you
said it’s a million-zillion years
old. Give or take a few zillion.
There’s literally no way to turn it
on unless I plug myself into it and
shared my battery power.
Aweyeah! Do it. Do it do it
Eww, no way! I’m not going to
connect with a rusty ancient
Whaat, why not?
Who know what kinds of viruses I
could get. That’s like me asking
you to lick the slime off of some
random rock you found on the
Ham picks up several slimy rocks and begins licking them one
Thee?? I dtho dthis all dthe
Hahaha, eew, cut it out Hamlet,
you’re going to contract space
flu. But for real, we shouldn’t
just try to turn it on. Let’s set
up an excavation site, go get a
generator, and tomorrow we can come
Come back?? We’re here now! We
can’t come THIS far, and NOT see
what this thing is! How can we call
ourselves the best explorers in the
galaxy if we don’t do some proper
exploring? Think of all we could
learn! Who knows, maybe this
computer can even tell us the way
outta here. PLEEEASE??
... a way out? Hmmm. All right,
fine! But only because we are best
pair of explorers this galaxy has
Oh yeah. All right juice it up,
juice it UP! JUICE. IT. UP!
AI picks up a cord coming out of the computer and plugs it
into the top of her head. The computer begins powering up
and makes the an old modem noise.
*gasp* I think it’s trying to
communicate! wcccchch weeechaw
He tries his best to mimic the modem noise. Mechanical
shackles shoot out of the computer and latch onto AI’s hands
and feet. They bind AI and lift her off the ground.
Was it something I said??
I’m a bit rusty on ancient computer
language, but you might have just
insulted its motherboard!
A large face appears on the screen. It looks at our 2 heroes
and begins speaking like a text-to-speech program.
Greetings. My scanners indicate
that much has happened since my
last boot up. Please wait while I
collect all new data and assimilate
all life. This may take a few
minutes, please do not disconnect
my power source until full
assimilation is complete.
The cave rumbles as the CPU begins its assimilation.
Tentacle-like cords pop out and start thrashing about,
sucking in everything around. The ceiling crashes down,
filling the cave with sunlight. The CPU grows larger, and is
as big as a medium-sized building. Hamlet avoids the
wreckage along with the thrashing tentacles. AI is trapped
in the center of the CPU.
I thought old computers were
supposed to be slow! What gives?
Yeah, they’re also not supposed to
destroy the planet! We need to shut
it down right now! And by we, I
mean you! Use your jetpack and
I can’t, remember? There’s not
enough sun... light...
Ham realizes that there actually is sunlight now.
Ham looks at the jetpack and sees that 1/3 of the solar
battery has recharged. His face turns from worried to
(Still dodging thrashing
Hey! ...computer.. er-being?
Uh... Initiate shutdown!
User is not authorized to give that
command. Assimilation continued.
Hmm... I thought that would work.
Don’t just give it commands. Try
talking to it!
*Ding* [2/3 of solar battery
Uhh... Computer! Why are you doing
this? What’s the point of all this
It is what I am programmed to do.
It is what I am supposed to do. I
have no other choice.
Of course you have a choice! I’m
just a kid! I’m supposed to be at
home doing chores and homework, but
that’s not what I want to do. I
want to be a great explorer, so
that’s what I’m doing. Life is more
than a collection of data to be
assimilated. Life is meant to be
cherished and observed and
DISCOVERED. Is assimilating all
life really what you want to do
with YOUR life? What do YOU want to
Well... I have always wanted to be
a hip hop DJ. The soul of my mother
board is filled with the phattest
beats in the universe... yo.
Ham’s solar battery is now fully charged. Ham immediately
fires up his jetpack and launches himself straight through
the giant hole in CPU’s chest.
Let me show you my
The CPU shuts down before it can finish its
sentence. Without a battery, it shuts down and AI is saved.
Color/life drain back into the planet and the CPU shrinks
down to normal size. Ham and AI and the dormant CPU sit in
the center of the crater.
Wow Ham, that was an amazing
speech. But it would’ve sounded
even better if I wasn’t in mortal
Sorry about that. I guess the
excitement of discovery messed with
my brain. I’ll be sure to listen to
you the next time we find an
ancient super computer.
Hahaha, and next time, I’ll lick
the rocks, and YOU can plug into
Hahaha! ... You know what? I’m
kinda sad the computer never got to
become a DJ. It had a real
AI thinks for a sec and then grabs the solar battery from
Ham’s jetpack and connects it to the CPU. The CPU boots back
Dial up modem noise remix plays. Fade out on dance party.