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Explorer Virus - Pilot Script

Eric M.
September 10, 2020

Explorer Virus - Pilot Script

Two young explorers discover something ancient underground. Are they fast enough to escape the dial-up menace?!
This is a script we submitted to the Nick Shorts Program. We liked the "Ham" character that we had created in a previous idea - so we decided to lift him into this script as well.

Eric M.

September 10, 2020



    about 14, wearing a something people in the 1950s thought a future spacesuit would look like, flies up towards an opening in the ceiling using a jetpack. His flight ends abruptly, and he makes a hard landing on the cave floor. HAM Ooof! AI, a human-like robot with a head like an old-fashioned diver’s helmet, surveys their surroundings. She turns to Ham upon hearing him crash to the ground. AI Oh? Do humans enjoy falling on their butts? ... Or is your jetpack malfunctioning? HAM Nah, just outta juice. Maybe a solar-powered jetpack wasn’t the best idea for exploring a cave... Oh well, that just means we have more time to look around! Right, AI? AI More time? Hamlet, we’ve already been down here all day without finding anything. At this rate, all that will be left to find will be our dead bodies. HAM Trust me, no one will be finding our bodies... (AI gives Ham a worried look) Because we’re going to get out alive, I mean! Admit it, there has to be something to discover down here. I know it! Ham looks at his compass as he turns to march onward confidently, but trips immediately on a vine. He falls face-first on the ground. The vines cause a huge mass of plants to fall off the wall, revealing a giant screen the size of a living room and a wide console in front of it. Hamlet’s eyes double in size and his mouth starts to drool over this great new discovery.
  2. 2. HAM (cont’d) (whisper) I knew it. (yelling) DISCOVERYYYYYYYY! It’s

    a... it’s a... uhm. What is it? AI My scanners are saying it’s a computer... but my eyes are telling me it’s an ancient piece of junk. HAM (hugging the screen) What?! This is exactly the kind of discovery I was talking about! We’re probably the first to see this in a million-zillion years! Who knows what kind of crazy files and stuff are in this! AI, you’re a robot, pleeeease tell me that you can talk to this thing. AI Of course I can talk to it! I can talk to any computer. But, it seems like its battery is dead. Like you said it’s a million-zillion years old. Give or take a few zillion. There’s literally no way to turn it on unless I plug myself into it and shared my battery power. HAM Aweyeah! Do it. Do it do it doitdoit. AI Eww, no way! I’m not going to connect with a rusty ancient computer. HAM Whaat, why not? AI Who know what kinds of viruses I could get. That’s like me asking you to lick the slime off of some random rock you found on the ground. Ham picks up several slimy rocks and begins licking them one by one.
  3. 3. HAM Thee?? I dtho dthis all dthe thimbe! Delithious!

    AI Hahaha, eew, cut it out Hamlet, you’re going to contract space flu. But for real, we shouldn’t just try to turn it on. Let’s set up an excavation site, go get a generator, and tomorrow we can come back - HAM Come back?? We’re here now! We can’t come THIS far, and NOT see what this thing is! How can we call ourselves the best explorers in the galaxy if we don’t do some proper exploring? Think of all we could learn! Who knows, maybe this computer can even tell us the way outta here. PLEEEASE?? AI ... a way out? Hmmm. All right, fine! But only because we are best pair of explorers this galaxy has ever seen. HAM Oh yeah. All right juice it up, juice it UP! JUICE. IT. UP! AI picks up a cord coming out of the computer and plugs it into the top of her head. The computer begins powering up and makes the an old modem noise. HAM (cont’d) *gasp* I think it’s trying to communicate! wcccchch weeechaw wichaw bzang-bzang! He tries his best to mimic the modem noise. Mechanical shackles shoot out of the computer and latch onto AI’s hands and feet. They bind AI and lift her off the ground. HAM (cont’d) (Horrified) Was it something I said??
  4. 4. AI I’m a bit rusty on ancient computer language,

    but you might have just insulted its motherboard! A large face appears on the screen. It looks at our 2 heroes and begins speaking like a text-to-speech program. CPU Greetings. My scanners indicate that much has happened since my last boot up. Please wait while I collect all new data and assimilate all life. This may take a few minutes, please do not disconnect my power source until full assimilation is complete. The cave rumbles as the CPU begins its assimilation. Tentacle-like cords pop out and start thrashing about, sucking in everything around. The ceiling crashes down, filling the cave with sunlight. The CPU grows larger, and is as big as a medium-sized building. Hamlet avoids the wreckage along with the thrashing tentacles. AI is trapped in the center of the CPU. HAM I thought old computers were supposed to be slow! What gives? AI Yeah, they’re also not supposed to destroy the planet! We need to shut it down right now! And by we, I mean you! Use your jetpack and unplug me! HAM I can’t, remember? There’s not enough sun... light... Ham realizes that there actually is sunlight now. SFX *Ding* Ham looks at the jetpack and sees that 1/3 of the solar battery has recharged. His face turns from worried to determined. HAM (Still dodging thrashing tentacles) (MORE)
  5. 5. HAM (cont’d) Hey! ...computer.. er-being? CPU Assimilation paused. HAM

    Uh... Initiate shutdown! CPU User is not authorized to give that command. Assimilation continued. HAM Hmm... I thought that would work. AI Don’t just give it commands. Try talking to it! SFX *Ding* [2/3 of solar battery charged] HAM (yelling) Uhh... Computer! Why are you doing this? What’s the point of all this assimilation? CPU It is what I am programmed to do. It is what I am supposed to do. I have no other choice. HAM Of course you have a choice! I’m just a kid! I’m supposed to be at home doing chores and homework, but that’s not what I want to do. I want to be a great explorer, so that’s what I’m doing. Life is more than a collection of data to be assimilated. Life is meant to be cherished and observed and DISCOVERED. Is assimilating all life really what you want to do with YOUR life? What do YOU want to do? CPU Well... I have always wanted to be a hip hop DJ. The soul of my mother (MORE)
  6. 6. CPU (cont’d) board is filled with the phattest beats

    in the universe... yo. SFX *ding* Ham’s solar battery is now fully charged. Ham immediately fires up his jetpack and launches himself straight through the giant hole in CPU’s chest. CPU Let me show you my mixtaaaaaaaape.... The CPU shuts down before it can finish its sentence. Without a battery, it shuts down and AI is saved. Color/life drain back into the planet and the CPU shrinks down to normal size. Ham and AI and the dormant CPU sit in the center of the crater. AI Wow Ham, that was an amazing speech. But it would’ve sounded even better if I wasn’t in mortal danger. HAM Sorry about that. I guess the excitement of discovery messed with my brain. I’ll be sure to listen to you the next time we find an ancient super computer. AI Hahaha, and next time, I’ll lick the rocks, and YOU can plug into the computer. HAM Hahaha! ... You know what? I’m kinda sad the computer never got to become a DJ. It had a real breakthrough there. AI thinks for a sec and then grabs the solar battery from Ham’s jetpack and connects it to the CPU. The CPU boots back up again. AI HIT IT! Dial up modem noise remix plays. Fade out on dance party.