Real Housemates

2017 sitcom script

Transcript

1. THE REAL HOUSEMATES OF THURSTON COUNTY Comedy Chris Burns Lindsay Vanderpool, Sam Arsenault, & Keith Anderson 2017 A Tour Video introducing the electronic media studio and
2. A Tour Video introducing the electronic media studio and facilities plays on flat television screens above the audience. SETUP START INT. STUDIO FLOOR - NIGHT JAMIE: (After walking into studio) Hey, can I get everyone’s attention, please? We would like to make sure that all of your cell phones are either turned off or put on silent during our production this evening. All of the Electronic Media Interns and I have been working really hard to bring this project together, so we would really appreciate it if there were as little interruptions as possible over the course of the broadcast. Thank you. JAMIE (to camera crew members) Has uh, has [JAMES] shown up yet? CAMERA 1 No, I think they might be like, sick or something. CAMERA 2 I tried texting them earlier today, but I haven’t heard back from them yet. JAMIE ..Okay... JAMIE turns to CAMERA 3, originally [JAMES]’s shadow for the evening, who is standing behind them. JAMIE (CONT'D) Look, I know you’re only supposed to be learning this position, but it turns out that we are going to need you to operate camera 3 tonight. Have you ever used one of the CCAM studio cameras before? CAMERA 3 I... might have? I don’t- I don’t really remember. JAMIE 1.
3. JAMIE Well, operating the camera is pretty easy. This knob controls the focus, and this switch lets you zoom in or zoom out. All you have to do is point the camera around and just focus on the action. Got it? CAMERA 3 Focus on the action. Okay. ...What’s the action? JAMIE The action is like... whatever the most interesting thing is, or whoever’s, you know, talking. CAMERA 3 Alright, so if I see someone talking, I should point the camera at them? JAMIE ..Yea sure whatever- (To AUDIENCE) Hey everybody, give it up for uh, Bingo Johnson over here, tonight is their first time ever operating a studio camera! Let’s have a big round of applause! AUDIENCE (Applause) KEITH Hey CAMERA 3, great to see you got situated with your equipment, if I could just have you check in over intercom and we’ll get you on board. CAMERA 3 OK! JAMIE (to PCR) Hey, we really need to get started like, now, because we only have 45 minutes to get this entire episode done. Can we like, speed things up or something? KEITH Uh... I mean, I feel like we have plenty of time; is this something that you’re super worried about? JAMIE 2.
4. JAMIE Yeah, it’s just that we’re already behind, we spent another 10 minutes on the tour video, and we’re losing time... KEITH Alright, I’ll get them to start the clock. [PRODUCTION TIMER START UP] END SETUP JAMIE: Aaand we’re starting in 5... 4... 3... (with hands) 2... 1... Pre-recorded previously on video plays via audience monitors. GEORGE (V.O.) Previously on The Real Housemates of Thurston County... SARAH I need a job! MICHAEL I need a relationship! BRITTA I need to understand what it’s like to not have money! SCHWARTZ I don’t need anything. I just find enjoyment in watching all of you suffer. No really, it’s actually a lot of fun. GEORGE Look, I know I’m just your neighbor, but don’t be afraid to talk to me about anything. If you just bottle up all of your problems inside of you, you have to let them out sometime. SARAH Please don’t tell MICHAEL I have a crush on him! BRITTA Sure thing, SARAH! MICHAEL 3.
5. MICHAEL Please don’t tell BRITTA I have a crush on her! SARAH (Pained) Sure thing, MICHAEL! [Cut to TV Opening w/ Theme Song] A1 START INT. APARTMENT SET - A1 JAMIE: ..Real Housemates of Thurston County, Episode 2, take 1! Action! Open on Britta and Sarah. Britta is sitting in a chair on stage right, facing Sarah, and is reading a book. Sarah is sitting on a couch in the middle of the stage, working on a job application with her hilariously large computer. Sarah narrates her progress under her breath, is just about to submit the last step, but to her surprise, the internet goes out. SARAH Okay so, now all I have left to do is submit my application and then- blinks ...are you kidding me? The internet’s down again! BRITTA Oh no! Is- is it time to buy a new one? SARAH stares at BRITTA. SARAH ..No, BRITTA, you don’t buy a new internet every time it stops working. I just have to try to figure out what happened and get it working again. BRITTA Oh, right. Yeah I’m just, you know, I’m still used to solving all of my problems by using money or just getting someone else to do it for me. SARAH ..Actually, maybe I should try that. BRITTA 2. 4.
6. BRITTA Using money to solve your problems? SARAH No, no, the other one. SARAH Looks offstage. SARAH (CONT'D) MICHAEL? CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?” No response. SARAH (CONT'D) MICHAEL? INT. STUDIO FLOOR - X1 JAMIE, MICHAEL, CAMERA 2, CAMERA 3, KEITH JAMIE ..CUT! MICHAEL heepishly sticks head out the door. MICHAEL [OOC] Was I supposed to come out just then? I-I wasn’t ready. JAMIE Well, are you ready now? MICHAEL [OOC] ..Yeah, I think so. JAMIE Alright, then let’s try this again. Places, everyone! CAMERA 3 Wait, can you guys not hear me? CAMERA 2 I can hear you. CAMERA 3 No, I mean the people in PCR. I don’t know if they can hear me through my headset or not. JAMIE Well, is your talk switch on? CAMERA 3 Talk switch? JAMIE 3. 5.
7. JAMIE Yeah, it’s what you’re supposed to use to talk into the headset so that people can hear you. CAMERA 3 Nobody told me about a talk switch! JAMIE (Annoyed) Well, I’m telling you now. KEITH [VOG] Why are you guys still talking? Let’s get this show on the road. JAMIE CAMERA 3 can’t find their talk switch. I thought you got them all set up with their equipment. KEITH [VOG] Well, that’s typically the floor directors responsibility, so I assumed it had been taken care of because you were ready to start the production earlier. JAMIE Yeah, but I was thinking that they would just figure it out as they go. CAMERA 3 -Can somebody please tell me where the talk switch is? CAMERA 2: It’s right here. (points to the talk switch on their camera) CAMERA 3 Thank you. JAMIE Well, it looks like that problem resolved itself. Alright everybody, Real Housemates of Thurston County episode 2, take 2. Action! END X1 INT. APARTMENT SET- A2 Production starts over from Scene 1 SARAH: 4. 6.
8. SARAH: Okay so, now all I have left to do is submit my application and then- (blinks) ..are you kidding me? The internet’s down again! BRITTA Oh no! Is- is it time to buy a new one? SARAH stares at BRITTA. SARAH ..No, BRITTA, you don’t buy a new internet every time it stops working. I just have to try to figure out what happened and get it working again. BRITTA Oh, right. Yeah I’m just, you know, I’m still used to solving all of my problems by using money or just getting someone else to do it for me. SARAH ..Actually, maybe I should try that. BRITTA Using money to solve your problems? SARAH No, no, the other one. SARAH Looks offstage. SARAH (CONT'D) MICHAEL? CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?” No response. SARAH (CONT'D) MICHAEL? MICHAEL quickly walks onto stage, wearing a fancy suit and tie. MICHAEL Sorry ladies, but I’m afraid that I must be leaving soon. SARAH Are-are you sure? It’ll only just take a second or two. Or five. MICHAEL 7.
9. MICHAEL (Fiddling with his tie) Yes, I am very sure, for you see, (Looks up) I have a date tonight. SARAH (Shocked) A DATE? BRITTA Wow, congratulations! MICHAEL ..It’s just a date, BRITTA. Nothing TOO serious. Nothing to you know, be jealous about or anything. BRITTA (Oblivious) Well, I hope you have a great time tonight! SARAH (Weakly) Yeah, me too… MICHAEL I’m off, wish me luck! BRITTA Byyye! SARAH Byyye. Michael leaves. B1 START SARAH: (Buries her face in the couch) “WHYYYYY.” HENRY plays laugh track 1. BRITTA ..Is this because of your trouble with the internet, or is this about MICHAEL? SARAH (Still with her head in the couch) BOTH. HENRY plays laugh track 2. BRITTA 8.
10. BRITTA ..You wanna know something funny? You’re just like the main character from this book I’m reading. SARAH (Looks up) I am? BRITTA Yeah, I mean, she’s poor, she’s in love with this one guy but he doesn’t know that she’s in love with him, and she has all these problems to deal with on a regular basis. It’s really fascinating. SARAH So, how exactly does she solve her problems? BRITTA (beat) ..I don’t know, I haven’t gotten that far in the book yet. Why, do you want to read it? SARAH Well, I suppose I could spend a few hours reading a book that you think somehow parallels my current situation, or I could actually do something about my problems and go somewhere that has an internet connection. BRITTA Okay, have fun! SARAH leaves and BRITTA resumes reading her book. FADE TO BLACK INT. STUDIO FLOOR- Y1 Y1 START KEITH [VOG] CUT! Ok that was great, hold please while we cut to commercial break. [QUIET IN THE STUDIO INTERSTITIALS] JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] Hey uh, what was up with the laugh track earlier? KEITH 5. 9.
11. KEITH What do you mean, 'laugh track?' Like the canned stuff? JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] Yeah, it was a definitely a sound byte or something. KEITH You couldn’t hear if the audience was actually laughing? JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] No, I couldn’t HEAR if the audience was actually laughing or not because the laugh track was playing over them! KEITH Well, did they think it was funny? JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] I don’t know? (To AUDIENCE) Did you guys think it was funny? KEITH Don’t actually ask them! JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] (To PCR) ..Well, it sounded like you wanted me to ask them! KEITH I was asking if you thought it was funny! JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] I didn’t write it! Talk to the writer’s room! According to you I just count backwards from 5 to 3. KEITH Yeah, and I bet your shoulder gets sore, too. JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] Hey, you know what, my shoulder does get sore from time to time KEITH This is ridiculous, I’m going to talk to HENRY. JAMIE [OVER INTERCOM] Alright fine, you go talk to him. KEITH visibly gets up to turn to the audio position but 10.
12. KEITH visibly gets up to turn to the audio position but latches their intercom on VOG before setting their headset down. HENRY holds gooseneck VOG open during the next conversation, and EVA joins for the end. JAMIE fails at telling PCR a god mic is on. KEITH HENRY, do we really need a laugh track when we have a live studio audience? HENRY But what if they don’t laugh when they’re supposed to? KEITH Then we leave it in. HENRY But the jokes will be funnier if you can hear people laughing. (plays laugh track again) KEITH Yeah, but it’s not going to be authentic if you keep playing the same sound effect every time there needs to be laughter. EVA Hey, I think we have on-screen CG effects to tell the audience when they should be laughing. KEITH I wasn’t aware we had those. Do we have enough time to put them up on the monitors? EVA Yeah, I can get them set up right now. KEITH That would be great. Thank you, EVA. HENRY Fine; I see how it is. INT. APARTMENT SET- B1 [Welcome Back music] SCHWARTZ opens apartment door, Stinger sound effect plays. BRITTA 6. 11.
13. BRITTA (Looking up from book) Oh hi SCHWARTZ. SCHWARTZ Hey, BRITTA. Is MICHAEL back from his date yet? BRITTA No, he just left a few minutes ago. How did you know about his date? SCHWARTZ Oh, I have my ways. What, uh, what book are you reading? BRITTA It’s called- BRITTA is interrupted by a planted cell phone going off in the house. All actors and crew members turn their heads to stare at the audience. INT. STUDIO FLOOR- X1 CAMERA 1, JAMIE, KEITH, CAMERA 3, CAMERA 2, SCHWARTZ, BRITTA, HENRY CAMERA 1 Whose phone is that? JAMIE (To himself) ..Why did I even bother asking them to turn their phones off? CAMERA 3 pans to focus on the audience. KEITH [VOG] CAMERA 3, is your headset working at all? All studio crew members look up at PCR, actors watch awkwardly. CAMERA 3 I don’t know, I’m not hearing anything out of it. CAMERA 2 I can’t hear anything out of my headset either. CAMERA 1 Same here. KEITH 7. 12.
14. KEITH Well, something must be wrong with your headsets because uh, none of us in PCR can hear you guys. [‘Technical Difficulties’ screen comes up on monitors] JAMIE Oh my gosh... (To AUDIENCE) Hey everyone, we’re really sorry about this, but we seem to be having some technical difficulties right now, so please, please just bear with us for now. Thank you CAMERA 1 (To PCR) Uh, what-what should we do about the headsets? CAMERA 2 Should we like, try and get this fixed in the middle of the show? KEITH Guys, I can see you talking, but I don’t actually know what you’re saying. CAMERA 3 (Louder) Can you hear us now? KEITH ..If you’re asking me for help, I still can’t hear you. That’s-that’s the whole problem. CAMERA 1 Well, who do we talk to if we have any questions? KEITH, exasperated, motions at JAMIE who shrugs. KEITH Look guys, we can do this all day, but we’re not going to be able to hear you through your microphones. Jamie, could you maybe like, get on this or something? JAMIE What about my headset? KEITH What about it? JAMIE 13.
15. JAMIE Is it working? KEITH Oh! Yeah, it is working, so at least we have that. Alright, Camera crew members, it looks like we only have the floor director’s headset working right now, so just call him over if you need anything and he can just talk to me about it. JAMIE Sounds like a plan. Okay everybody, let’s uh, let’s get back on track! Real Housemates episode 2, take 3. Action! [Technical Difficulties screen goes away.] [Production resumes from Schwartz opening apartment door] [Stinger sound effect fails] BRITTA (looking up from book) Oh hi Schwartz. SCHWARTZ [OOC] (Pauses, turns to JAMIE) ..Hey, uh, wasn’t there supposed to be music playing when I open the door? JAMIE ..Cut! (Sighs) Okay, we’re gonna try that again. (Looking to PCR) But can we actually get the sound effect to play this time? HENRY [VOG] I’m sorry, what sound effect are you talking about? JAMIE The sting music for when SCHWARTZ opens the door. [Silence]. JAMIE (CONT'D) ..We’re going to have the music play when SCHWARTZ opens the door this time, right HENRY? HENRY 14.
16. HENRY Yeah dude I got this. HENRY plays sting 2. JAMIE ..What was that? HENRY Sorry, that was the wrong sound effect. Here’s the better one. HENRY plays sting 1. JAMIE (Rolling his eyes) ..Let’s try this again. Real Housemates episode 2, take 4. Action! END Z1 INT. APARTMENT SET- B2 [Production resumes from Schwartz opening apartment door. Stinger sound effect 1] BRITTA (Looking up from book) Oh hi SCHWARTZ. SCHWARTZ Hey, BRITTA. Is MICHAEL back from his date yet? BRITTA No, he just left a few minutes ago. How did you know about his date? SCHWARTZ Oh, you know, I have my ways. What, uh, what book are you reading? BRITTA It’s called ‘The Paradox of the Forsaken Heart. ’ It’s about how the greatest tragedy in all of human existence is unrequited love. SCHWARTZ (Uninterested) ..Cool. SM1 MICHAEL, BRITTA, SCHWARTZ, GEORGE MICHAEL enters, returning from date. 8. 15.
17. MICHAEL enters, returning from date. BRITTA Oh look, MICHAEL’s back! MICHAEL (Turns his head to glare at SCHWARTZ) SCHWARTZ!!! SCHWARTZ Hey MICHAEL. MICHAEL (Fuming) YOU set me up! SCHWARTZ Well, of course I set you up. It wouldn’t be a blind date if you knew who you were going on a date with. BRITTA How did the date go? MICHAEL TERRIBLE! Because I would never have agreed to this ‘blind date’ had I known that it would be with an old woman! SCHWARTZ I thought you liked older women. MICHAEL She was like, 65! SCHWARTZ Actually she’s 62. MICHAEL Ohhhhhh great! 62! Well, I’ll just walk right back down to the bingo hall and run to Dorothy's arms! SCHWARTZ Agnes. MICHAEL What? SCHWARTZ Her name’s Agnes. MICHAEL 16.
18. MICHAEL I don’t care if her name’s a million dollars, I’m not going on a date with someone who’s old enough to be my grandmother! What on earth made you think she was within a mile of my standards? SCHWARTZ Because, MICHAEL, you never told me your standards when asked me to find “someone” to go to dinner with you. I was under the impression that you just wanted to say that you were finally going on a date so you can go and brag about it to everyone like you always do. MICHAEL I- I don’t brag about my relationships! SCHWART Yes, you do. I have proof. MICHAEL Then show it to me. SCHWARTZ I have to go get it first. Chill out, man. MICHAEL YOU chill out! GEORGE (from outside the apartment) Hey, keep it down in there! Schwartz and Michael stop arguing. MICHAEL ..Was-was that GEORGE? SCHWARTZ: ..I dunno, it didn’t sound like GEORGE. A2 START SARAH, MICHAEL Sarah returns. MICHAEL Hey SARAH, did you see GEORGE out in the hallway? SARAH 17.
19. SARAH GEORGE? No, I was in a hurry. I need to check on my computer to see if- Yes! The internet’s working again! Now I can finally submit my job application! MICHAEL Well, are you sure you didn’t see GEORGE out there? Someone just told us to keep it down and they sounded angry. SARAH I don’t know, I’m trying to concentrate here. I really don’t want to- (Computer shutting down sound effect) ..lose all my progress again. BRITTA [OOC] ..Line! INT. STUDIO FLOOR- X2 JAMIE CUT! Okay, what’s the problem this time? BRITTA [OOC] I just forgot what my line is for this segment. Could I see a copy of the script? JAMIE Uh… (To PCR) Does anyone have an extra copy of the script? KEITH [VOG] What script? JAMIE The script for the show! KEITH Why do you need a script? JAMIE The actor forgot one of their lines! KEITH Aren’t they supposed to have those memorized? BRITTA [OOC] 9. 18.
20. BRITTA [OOC] (To PCR) Look, I just forgot, okay! KEITH Somebody go get them a copy of the script. CHRIS runs in with script copy. BRITTA [OOC] Thank you... Oh okay, I remember now. Alright, I’m ready. JAMIE Are you sure? BRITTA [OOC] Yes! JAMIE Okay... Real Housemates Episode 2; Take 5. Action! END X2 INT. APARTMENT SET- C1 [Production resumes from SARAH’s return] MICHAEL Hey SARAH, did you see GEORGE out in the hallway? SARAH GEORGE? No, I was in a hurry. I need to check on my computer to see if- Yes! (MORE) SARAH (CONT'D) The internet’s working again! Now I can finally submit my job application! MICHAEL Well, are you sure you didn’t see GEORGE out there? Someone just told us to keep it down and they sounded mad. SARAH: I don’t know, I’m trying to concentrate here. I really don’t want to- (MORE) SARAH: (CONT'D) 10. 19.
21. SARAH: (CONT'D) (Computer shutting down sound effect) ..lose all my progress again.” BRITTA: ..You know, maybe it’s time to buy a new one. SARAH: For the last time, BRITTA, I’m not going to buy a new internet connection! BRITTA: No, I mean you should upgrade to a new computer. SARAH: Well, I can’t just go out and buy a new computer because I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any money because I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a job because I need to submit an application, and I can’t submit an application because the internet keeps going out and my computer sucks! BEGIN B2 SCHWARTZ walks toward the door. MICHAEL Oh no you don’t, SCHWARTZ! Get back here! SCHWARTZ I’m just going to go get something; I’ll be right back. SCHWARTZ exits APARTMENT SET. SARAH ..DID SOMETHING HAPPEN BETWEEN YOU AND SCHWARTZ? MICHAEL Oh, you know, the usual. SCHWARTZ is messing with my love life, AGAIN. It’s like every time I want to have a normal evening with a girl that could maybe be the start of a relationship, SCHWARTZ has to do something that ruins it! Just like he ruins everything else! SCHWARTZ walks in from offstage, behind MICHAEL, holding 11. 20.
22. SCHWARTZ walks in from offstage, behind MICHAEL, holding files. MICHAEL (CONT'D) For the past month, SCHWARTZ has been nothing but the bane of my entire existence! SCHWARTZ: Nice to be appreciated. HENRY mashes air horn sound effect. INT. STUDIO FLOOR- Y2 HENRY, KEITH, JAMIE, MICHAEL, SCHWARTZ HENRY goes rogue, starts playing air horns and mood-breaking sound effects. KEITH [VOG] Henry- (Sfx) Henry- (Sfx) HENRY! HENRY [VOG] What? I’m just doing my job. KEITH Your job is to play audio when I tell you to. Not to sit in front of a computer and screw around! HENRY Wait, could you guys hear all of those noises? KEITH YES. HENRY Oh! I thought I had the studio feed turned off. My bad. KEITH Pay attention to what you’re doing! HENRY Sorry. KEITH And quit using the god mic when I’m the only person you’re talking to! HENRY 12. 21.
23. HENRY Alright, you don’t have to yell at me! JAMIE Hey, KEITH? KEITH What’s up? JAMIE Hey, can you come down here please? KEITH What for? JAMIE I just need to talk to you in private about something. KEITH [Sighing] I’m on my way. MICHAEL [OOC] Are they seriously going to do this right now? SCHWARTZ [OOC] Yeah, just how long are we gonna be here tonight? KEITH walks into studio and huddles with JAMIE to have a “private” conversation. [“Quiet in the studio” interstitial appear on the monitors] KEITH Alright, what did you want to talk to me about? JAMIE So I know that we’ve been working on this project of ours since like, October, and we’ve all been putting a ton of work into this thing, but I uh, I have a few concerns. KEITH Such as? JAMIE This whole thing is just really, really… bad. KEITH Like the, script or the acting? JAMIE 22.
24. JAMIE No, like, the entire show. Everything that’s happened so far has just been terrible. KEITH Well, what do you want us to do, drop everything and go home? It’s the middle of the production! We can’t quit now! JAMIE I’m not saying we should stop the show ...yet, I’m just saying that we should be realistic about this. KEITH Realistic how? JAMIE I want you to take a look at this show and tell me that it is what it is. This is a disaster. KEITH Jamie, can’t this wait until after the show? Look, I’ll tell you what I think of it when we’re actually done, okay?” Keith turns around and walks back upstairs. JAMIE (As KEITH walks upstairs) Fine. Whatever. Let’s just get this over with already. (To actors) Everyone, get back in your positions! ...Real Housemates Episode 2, Take 6! Action! END Y2 INT. APARTMENT SET- C2 [Production resumes from Schwartz walking toward the door] MICHAEL Oh no you don’t, SCHWARTZ! Get back here! SCHWARTZ I’m just going to go get something; I’ll be right back. SARAH 13. 23.
25. SARAH ..Did something happen between you and SCHWARTZ? MICHAEL Oh, you know, the usual. SCHWARTZ is messing with my love life, AGAIN. It’s like every time I want to have a normal evening with a girl that could maybe be the start of a relationship, SCHWARTZ has to do something that ruins it! Just like he ruins everything else!” [SCHWARTZ walks in from offstage, behind MICHAEL] MICHAEL (CONT'D) For the past month, Schwartz has been nothing but the bane of my entire existence! SCHWARTZ Nice to be appreciated. MICHAEL turns around and sees something in SCHWARTZ’S hands. MICHAEL Is… is that a folder? With my name on it? Do you have a file on me? SCHWARTZ Yeah. I have a file on everyone. SARAH Everyone? SCHWARTZ Yes, everyone. Even GEORGE. BRITTA Do I have a file, too? SCHWARTZ Yeah, I got it right here. (Holds up second folder) BRITTA Cool! SARAH (Points at BRITTA) No, no that is not cool! (To SCHWARTZ) SCHWARTZ, what is wrong with you? It’s like you’re always- It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the one behind this! SCHWARTZ 24.
26. SCHWARTZ Behind what? You’ll have to be more specific.” SARAH YOU screwed up the internet! You enjoy seeing us be miserable, so you thought it would be funny to make the internet connection be constantly switching on and off when it’s most inconvenient for everyone! SCHWARTZ (Defensively) Woah, woah, woah, SARAH, I don’t know you’re talking about. MICHAEL Oh, I have a feeling that you know exactly what we’re talking about. We all do. BRITTA I-I don’t think I know what we’re talking about- INT. STUDIO FLOOR- Z1 KEITH [VOG] -Hey, can we pause the production for a little bit here? BRITTA [OOC] (Glares at PCR) Are you kidding me?! JAMIE Pause the production?! What do you mean, pause the production?! KEITH [VOG] I’m sending someone down to hang up an extra light for the argument scene coming up. JAMIE Why do you need an extra light for just one scene? KEITH For mood lighting. Crew member walks into CCAM studio, proceeds to hang up extra light and unhinge the future light while everyone is distracted by the conversation. JAMIE 14. 25.
27. JAMIE ...Moon lighting? KEITH No, Mood Lighting. You know, like in stage plays. JAMIE We’re not filming a stage play! This is a TV Studio, not a theater! SARAH [OOC] Well, it kind of looks like a theater. You’ve got curtains, you’ve got an audience... JAMIE (To SARAH) -Stay out of this! (Back to PCR) Keith, don’t you have someone running the lighting board up there? Just put up a different lighting cue. KEITH Yeah, we thought about that, but it wouldn’t look quite the way that I want it to look. JAMIE (Sarcastically) Oh, well, we sure can’t have that, now can we? KEITH (Doesn’t pick up on sarcasm) Exactly. JAMIE takes off his headset. JAMIE ..This is so stupid. Crew member finishes hanging up the extra light. JAMIE Finally! Alright, Real Housemates Episode 2, Take... Whatever! Let’s just get this over with! Action! INT. APARTMENT SET- C3 [Production resumes from Schwartz walking toward the door] MICHAEL 15. 26.
28. MICHAEL Oh no you don’t, SCHWARTZ! Get back here! SCHWARTZ I’m just going to go get something; I’ll be right back. SARAH ..Did something happen between you and SCHWARTZ? MICHAEL Oh, you know, the usual. SCHWARTZ is messing with my love life, AGAIN. It’s like every time I want to have a normal evening with a girl that could maybe be the start of a relationship, SCHWARTZ has to do something that ruins it! Just like he ruins everything else! SCHWARTZ walks in from offstage, behind MICHAEL. MICHAEL (CONT'D) For the past month, SCHWARTZ has been nothing but the bane of my entire existence! SCHWARTZ Nice to be appreciated. MICHAEL turns around and sees something in SCHWARTZ’S hands. MICHAEL Is… is that a folder? With my name on it? Do you have a file on me? SCHWARTZ Yeah. I have a file on everyone. SARAH Everyone? SCHWARTZ Yes, everyone. Even GEORGE. BRITTA Do I have a file, too? SCHWARTZ Yeah, I got it right here. (Holds up second folder) BRITTA Cool! SARAH 27.
29. SARAH (Pointing at BRITTA) No, no that is not cool. (To SCHWARTZ) SCHWARTZ! What is wrong with you? It’s like you’re always- (Moment of realization) It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the one behind this! SCHWARTZ Behind what? You’ll have to be more specific. SARAH You screwed up the internet! You enjoy seeing us be miserable, so you thought it would be funny to make the internet connection be constantly switching on and off when it’s most inconvenient for everyone! SCHWARTZ (Defensively) Woah, woah, woah, SARAH, I don’t know you’re talking about. MICHAEL Oh, I have a feeling that you know exactly what we’re talking about. We all do. BRITTA I-I don’t think I know what we’re talking about. SARAH (Rolling her eyes) Of course you don’t know, BRITTA. You don’t know anything! MICHAEL Hey, don’t talk to BRITTA like that! SARAH Well, it’s about time someone did! We can’t keep treating her like she’s the queen of the apartment just because she doesn’t know how to take care of herself! If anything, she’s a spoiled brat! BRITTA SPOILED? (MORE) BRITTA (CONT'D) 28.
30. BRITTA (CONT'D) (Starts to cry) SCHWARTZ Oh great, now she’s crying. MICHAEL Sarah! SCHWARTZ Yeah, look at what you did, SARAH. SARAH No, SCHWARTZ, it’s what YOU did! SCHWARTZ I didn’t turn off the internet! I swear! MICHAEL SARAH, you didn’t have to be so mean to BRITTA! SARAH Someone needed to tell her eventually! SCHWARTZ Why won’t anyone believe me? SARAH I dunno; why do you have to constantly ruin my life all the time? MICHAEL Oh, your life’s ruined? Look at my life! I’m the bigger victim here! SARAH No, I’m the bigger victim! MICHAEL No, I am! BRITTA (Still crying) I just want to be accepted for who I am! Why is it so hard being rich! Everyone argues at the same time. SM2 A knock is heard at the door. The argument halts. GEORGE Is everything okay in there? SARAH 29.
31. SARAH ..Oh crap, it’s GEORGE! Everyone be quiet! GEORGE ..May I come in? GEORGE enters. Everyone is quiet. GEORGE Were- were you kids having an argument in here? SCHWARTZ ..An argument? SARAH No, No… MICHAEL Not at all... BRITTA Nope… SCHWARTZ Just a loud discussion... GEORGE ..Well, it sure sounded like you were having an argument. MICHAEL Kind of... SCHWARTZ Sort of... BRITTA Yeah... SARAH Yeah... MICHAEL Yeah... SCHWARTZ It was pretty bad… GEORGE Do... do you want to talk about what happened? I mean, I’ve never heard you all become so angry before. SCHWARTZ 30.
32. SCHWARTZ Well, SARAH’s mad at me because she thinks I did something that I didn’t actually do. SARAH It was for turning the internet on and off while I’m trying to submit my job application. MICHAEL -And he deliberately, intentionally set me up with a bad date on purpose. And he knew about it! BRITTA And SARAH was mean to me. MICHAEL And SARAH was mean to BRITTA. SARAH- SARAH Oh, come on! GEORGE Woah, woah, everybody calm down! SARAH Sorry, GEORGE. GEORGE Now, I understand that you’re all feeling very angry and upset and agitated and- [THE LIGHT FALLS] CRESCENDO INT. STUDIO FLOOR - CRESCENDO HENRY [VOG] What the heck was that? CAMERA 1 Was that expensive? KEITH [VOG] Um, who put that light up there? Henry plays a single air horn effect. KEITH [VOG] HENRY, I swear to god, if you play that sound effect one more time... HENRY [VOG] 16. 31.
33. HENRY [VOG] Oh yeah? Well you’re gonna have to come catch me first! Henry runs out of PCR. KEITH [VOG] Did- did he just run out of the pcr room? Quick, somebody go after him! Henry is chased into the loading dock by CHRIS. Loud crash sound effect plays. Camera 3 keeps “following the action” KEITH [VOG] CAMERA 3, quit looking offstage! CAMERA 3 I’m focusing on the action! KEITH [VOG] Aaand we still can’t hear them. That’s it, everyone head downstairs, let’s go. CAMERA 2 Are.... they all coming into the TV studio? JAMIE (To AUDIENCE) Hey everyone, We’re all really sorry about all of this, this doesn’t usually happen in the CCAM, in fact, this isn’t supposed to happen at all, we’re just having a lot of issues going on tonight- KEITH (Whips open CCAM doors) Hey, what the heck is going on in here?! Remainder of PCR crew follows into studio. JAMIE (To KEITH) Oh I don’t know, what does it look like? We’ve got a light sitting on the floor in pieces, the actors don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve had no time to practice, and none of you know how to do your jobs! Everything and everyone here is an absolute mess! KEITH 32.
34. KEITH Alright, fine! I admit it! This whole show sucks! But maybe things would have gone a lot better if you all just listened to what I’ve been telling you to do! JAMIE We HAVE been listening to you! That’s WHY everything sucks! KEITH No, no, you haven’t! Camera 3 hasn’t been listening to me, Henry hasn’t been listening to me; In fact, none of you have been listening to a word I’ve said this entire evening! Crew actors get into argument, place blame over failures, complain about entire production. CHRIS Guys, are we still recording? CAMERA 3 Hey, it’s not my fault! The headsets stopped working! KEITH Then whose fault is it?! CAMERA 1, CAMERA 2- CAMERA 2 My NAME is NOT camera 2! KEITH Why didn’t you tell CAMERA 3 to stop moving the camera away from the actors?! JAMIE, YOUR headset was working, why didn’t you do anything about this?! JAMIE Because it’s not that big of a deal! Just cut to a different camera! LINDSAY It’s still going to show up on the tape! JAMIE Then we edit it in post! CHRIS Guys I think we’re still recording! JAMIE 33.
35. JAMIE I don’t care! KEITH: See, that’s your whole problem, jamie! You don’t care about our production! JAMIE Because it’s garbage! KEITH YOU'RE garbage! JAMIE: Oh yeah? KEITH Yeah! Have you ever actually cared about any of the productions we do? This is supposed to be your job, JAMIE! Not, oh well let’s just go with whatever so that we can be done faster and I can go home earlier! CHRIS Somebody cut the feed! JAMIE Hey, I am sick and tired of you telling me how I should do my job when anybody can sit up in PCR and just give people directions! KEITH What, like you can do better than me?! JAMIE Yes, yes I can! I am so much better at directing than you are! KEITH No, you’re not! That’s why i’m up in PCR and you’re down here! LINDSAY Hey, I’m the one doing all the actual switching! KEITH Shut up! I’m the one in charge here! JAMIE 34.
36. JAMIE See, that’s your problem, KEITH! Everything just needs to go the way you want it to and now look where it got us! KEITH That is NOT my fault, JAMIE, it’s YOUR fault for not listening to me! JAMIE Hey, you do not get to look down on me just because I got stuck being the floor director and you got to be in pcr!!! Improv Shouting Match between KEITH and JAMIE while all the other members start arguing between each other. EVA What is going on?! CAMERA 1 I’m just going to put this out there, I don’t like any of you, I’ve never liked you guys, you all suck. CAMERA 2 Hey, at least I’m not the one who doesn’t even know how to operate a camera! CAMERA 3 Give me a break! I just started doing this 30 minutes ago! LINDSAY Knock it off, you guys! SARAH [OOC] Yeah, you’re all acting like a bunch of children! CAMERA 1 Shut up! You’re just an actor! You don’t know what it’s like to work here! BRITTA [OOC] Hey, you can’t talk to us like that! We’re part of this production, too! SCHWARTZ [OOC] Yeah, what she said! LINDSAY 35.
37. LINDSAY Guys, now is NOT the time for an actor rebellion! MICHAEL [OOC] Rebellion? We’re just pointing out that you need us just as much as we need you! We’re not even getting paid for this! SCHWARTZ [OOC] Wait, we’re NOT getting paid? BRITTA [OOC] Exactly! We’re volunteering to be actors and THIS is how you treat us?! LINDSAY Guys can you not do this right now?! GEORGE [OOC] Oh, so YOU guys get to yell at everybody but not us?! We have stuff to say, too! CHRIS Everybody stop! CAMERA 1 CAMERA 3, this is all YOUR fault! CAMERA 3 WHAT D'YOU MEAN THIS IS ALL MY FAULT?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! CAMERA 2 THAT’S THE PROBLEM! Everyone talks over each other. HENRY runs back into the studio through CCAM doors, pies KEITH in the face, then runs back out. KEITH (Face covered in pie) HENRY! COME BACK HERE, YOU GOBLIN! CAMERA 1 I HATE ALL OF YOU! BRITTA [OOC] Yeah well, join the club! I thought acting in this show would be fun, but nobody told me I would have to deal with all this crap! Pizza delivery person wanders in through the door Henry left 36.
38. Pizza delivery person wanders in through the door Henry left open. DELIVERY MAN Did somebody order a ‘none pizza with left beef’? ...Anybody? ...None pizza with left beef! LINDSAY Who let this guy in here?! DELIVERY MAN Also, whoever is the owner of the silver 2003 Honda Civic with the Boochula Mogue sticker, you left your lights on. Everyone continues to talk over each other. CHRIS STOP THE PRODUCTION! [Begin Blackout sequence] END CRESCENDO INT. STUDIO FLOOR- INTERVENTION Entire studio goes dark for 10 seconds. Everyone becomes silent. KEITH: (Through darkness) Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Spotlight on DAVE, wearing all white, entering from the loading dock CHRIS DAVE? DAVE (Arms outstretched) Interns, interns… It is I, DAVE CRAMTON, manager of the TV studio. I have returned! (Looks around at everyone) Is everybody all right? KEITH (Defeated)) No, DAVE, we’re not all right. We- we failed. We spent all this time working on our intern project for this quarter and- and we failed. DAVE 17. 37.
39. DAVE Failed? Guys, you’ve been worrying about this production so much that it’s not just a production anymore. JAMIE It’s a catastrophe. DAVE ..No, no it’s not; it’s only going to become one if you keep thinking that it is. You’ve all been focusing on what’s been going wrong with your show, when you should be focusing on what’s been going right. Tell me, what does this internship mean to you? Is this just a job where you work for a few hours every day until you get to go home? Or are you taking advantage of every moment out in the field or on the computers to become the best cameraperson, the best director, the best artist that you can possibly be. Look, doing your best doesn’t mean that you have to be absolutely perfect: Failure happens all the time, it’s part of the process… but it doesn’t have to be the end result. You’ve had, what, a stage light fall, a bunch of broken headsets, a cell phone go off, all these interruptions, and I understand that this probably feels like the worst production of your entire lives. (MORE) DAVE (CONT'D) But if you resolve to finish this show in spite of everything that’s happened, I guarantee you that it will be all the more meaningful. If you can survive this, it means that you get to learn from it, so that no matter what happens in the future, you are going to be prepared for ANYTHING. [Slow clap, inspirational music starts playing] DAVE [CONT’D] This isn’t just a production anymore this is a symbol of your will to persevere. This show is your soul. (MORE) DAVE [CONT’D] (CONT'D) 38.
40. DAVE [CONT’D] (CONT'D) It’s the audience’s soul, the actors’ soul, and even my soul, too! We’re still here! We’re still alive! We still have a chance to finish what we started! Now let’s make this the greatest production of our entire lives! Who’s with me?! EVERYONE YEAH! KEITH (Confidently)) Everyone, get to your positions! It’s not over yet! Everybody and everyone here is counting on us! We can do this! INT. STUDIO FLOOR- SUCCESS Everyone is pumped up. Everyone dramatically and triumphantly announces their positions when they are ready. CAMERA 1 Camera 1, ready! CAMERA 2 Camera 2, online! CAMERA 3 Camera 3, let’s do it! HENRY [VOG] Audio ready! SAM [VOG] Lighting board, Cued up! CHRIS Teleprompter, ready to roll! LINDSAY Switching board, all set! EVA Computer graphics, ready! KEITH All systems are go! Beginning in 10... EVERYONE 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0! JAMIE 18. 39.
41. JAMIE (Confidently) ROLL TAPE! INT. APARTMENT SET- SUCCESS [Production restarts from all characters talking at once] GEORGE (Knocks on door) Is everything okay in there? Argument stops. SARAH Oh crap, it’s GEORGE! Everyone be quiet! GEORGE ..May I come in? George enters. Everyone is quiet. GEORGE Were- were you kids having an argument in here? SCHWARTZ ..An argument? SARAH No, No... MICHAEL Not at all... BRITTA Nope... SCHWARTZ Just a loud discussion.... GEORGE ..Well, it sure sounded like you were having an argument. MICHAEL Kind of... SCHWARTZ Sort of... BRITTA Yeah... SARAH Yeah... MICHAEL 19. 40.
42. MICHAEL Yeah... SCHWARTZ It was pretty bad... GEORGE Do... do you want to talk about what happened? I mean, I’ve never heard you all become so angry before. SCHWARTZ Well, SARAH’s mad at me because she thinks I did something that I didn’t actually do. SARAH It was for turning the internet on and off while I’m trying to submit my job application. MICHAEL -And he deliberately, intentionally set me up with a bad date on purpose. And he knew about it! BRITTA And SARAH was mean to me. MICHAEL And SARAH was mean to BRITTA. SARAH- SARAH Oh, come on! GEORGE Woah, woah, everybody calm down! SARAH Sorry, GEORGE. GEORGE Now, I understand that you’re all feeling very angry and upset and agitated -and that’s okay. So, now that we’ve discussed what you’re all upset about, let’s talk about the reasons why you feel this way. GEORGE Charlie- I know everyone calls you "SCHWARTZ," but I’m gonna call you Charlie - like your father did. You love pulling pranks on people, but you don’t do it to be malicious. (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) 41.
43. GEORGE (CONT'D) Last week, you uh, rerouted all the buttons on the elevator to go to a different floor than what they were numbered as. SCHWARTZ Yeah, that was pretty great. GEORGE Yes, that was super inconvenient, but at the same time, being forced to use the stairs made me realize that we were all taking the elevator for granted. You were probably trying to say something similar to Michael about his dating life, and while you might have gone a little too far in that situation, but I think the reason why you felt so attacked when Sarah accused you of turning off the internet is because deep down, you do have a heart; you actually didn’t mess with the internet connection because you already understand that Sarah’s job application is important to her future. SCHWARTZ Exactly! That’s what I’ve been trying to say all evening! GEORGE MICHAEL, your love life is extremely important to you. (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) Whenever I see you on your way to a date, you always make sure to look your very best, because you always take your relationships with the highest degree of sincerity. So, when Charlie pulled one of his pranks on you, you felt like after putting so much time and effort into something important, you weren’t taken seriously in return. Is that right? MICHAEL Yeah... yeah, that is how I feel. GEORGE BRITTA, you are one of the kindest people I have ever met. (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) 42.
44. GEORGE (CONT'D) Your world is full of happiness and smiles due the sheltered life that you grew up with in your family, which also makes it hard for you to accept criticism because it’s not something you’re accustomed to. But from now on, whenever you hear any negative remarks in the future, I encourage you to evaluate yourself first to see if there’s any truth to their words before you dismiss it as just ‘being mean. ’ Sometimes, listening to people who aren’t nice to you can help you become a nicer person yourself. BRITTA You really think so? GEORGE I really do. (To SARAH) And SARAH. SARAH, your greatest strength is your determination. When you set out to do accomplish something, you treat it as though it’s the most important thing in the entire world, and so I can imagine how frustrating it must be when you encounter setbacks. Unfortunately, you are going to keep encountering these challenges no matter how frustrated you become, because that’s the way it is for everyone, even Britta. (MORE) GEORGE (CONT'D) But I do have the utmost faith in your ability to to persevere, to continue forward, so that you will fight and overcome anything that gets thrown at you, no matter what. I believe in you, SARAH. SARAH ..Wow. (wipes her eyes with her hands) That-that really means a lot to me, George, but um, how-how on earth did you know so much about us?” GEORGE Oh, I read CHARLIE’s files. MICHAEL 43.
45. MICHAEL You-you read SCHWARTZ’s files on us? GEORGE Yeah, and you should too. They’re very inspiring. MICHAEL Let me see those. (picks up SCHWARTZ’s folders, reads from files) "Michael Valentine is an often- oblivious romantic who apparently can’t survive without being in a relationship with someone. ’ And there’s a few screenshots of my online dating profile in here for some reason. MICHAEL is a perfectionist who takes his love life way too seriously than he needs to, ... but he is also one of the most responsible people I know and I feel like I can depend on MICHAEL for anything. MICHAEL... is my best friend." Britta and Sarah crowd around Michael as they read, George stands off to the side, watching them and smiling. BRITTA Ooooo, I wonder what mine says! "Britta Mason is a socially awkward girl who comes from a rich family’ -I already knew that. ‘And is also the heir to the illustrious Brita filter family fortune. BRITTA is easily impressed, ditzy, sometimes naive, and constantly optimistic to the point where it can sometimes be insensitive to the people around her. However, in spite of her exterior, I find Britta to be a very genuine individual and I feel that she carries a strong desire to become a better person." Awwww, thank you, SCHWARTZ! SARAH Hey, can I see what’s in my file? "Sarah Allen is a working-class 22- year old from the suburbs with ambitious dreams of success. Sarah is a very uptight, judgemental individual with an explosive personality… and yet, she has my respect. She’s 44.
46. and yet, she has my respect. She’s self-aware, down-to-earth, incredibly determined, headstrong, unwavering, courageous, and I kind of actually want to see her succeed in life. Watching Sarah put in so much effort into working towards her goals almost makes me want to do the same, and with enough time, I believe that Sarah Allen can accomplish anything that she sets her mind to." SCHWARTZ, did you write all of this by yourself?” SCHWARTZ Yeah, it’s... kind of embarrassing. SARAH No... no, it’s not. SCHWARTZ, I’m sorry I accused you of messing with the internet. SCHWARTZ Actually, I should be the one apologizing. If I didn’t always pull jokes on you guys all the time, you’d have no reason to suspect me. Michael, I did go a little too far by setting you up on a bad date, and I’m sorry for putting you through that. MICHAEL Thank you. ...You are probably right about me being too eager to be in a relationship. I’m sorry I got so mad at you earlier. SARAH BRITTA, I’m sorry I called you spoiled. BRITTA It’s okay, SARAH. I forgive you. MICHAEL Sarah, I’m sorry for yelling at you, too. SARAH Yeah, everything just got super out of hand today. SCHWARTZ You can say that again. BRITTA You know what we all need? SARAH 45.
47. SARAH Money? SCHWARTZ Power? MICHAEL A relationship? BRITTA No, silly! A group hug! C’mere! Britta hugs everyone at once. BRITTA I love you guys! AUDIENCE AWWWWWWWWWW GEORGE You see, kids, it all worked out in the end. SCHWARTZ Uh, BRITTA, I’m having a little trouble breathing here. BRITTA Oh, sorry! Hug ends. MICHAEL Hey SARAH, I’m gonna go grab something to eat. SARAH Oh, nice. Where at? MICHAEL Just the place across the street. Do you want to go with me? SARAH (Brightens up) Really? MICHAEL Yeah, I thought you could use a break. SARAH Oh my gosh, I would love that so much- (looks at her computer) ..but there’s something that I need to take care of first. MICHAEL 46.
48. MICHAEL ..Alright, well, maybe next time. SARAH Next time. MICHAEL What about you, SCHWARTZ? SCHWARTZ Sure, why not. MICHAEL Bye, George! SCHWARTZ Bye George. GEORGE Take good care of yourselves! MICHAEL and SCHWARTZ exit through door. BRITTA GEORGE, I just want to say that what you said to each of us was amazing. It’s like you really built some bridges between the four of us. SARAH Yeah, GEORGE, how did you become so good at public speaking? GEORGE Well, you see, SARAH, I used to give a lot of speeches at this liberal arts college before I retired and started living next door. BRITTA Wow, really? SARAH You went to a liberal arts college? GEORGE Yes sir-ee, back in my day, they called me President George Branches! [FADE TO BLACK] INT. STUDIO FLOOR- THE END 47.
49. INT. STUDIO FLOOR- THE END JAMIE (Triumphantly) Aaaand CUT! That’s a wrap, everybody! We are all clear! CAMERA 2 Did we- did we just finish the show? CAMERA 1 I-I think we did! CAMERA 3 You mean we’re finally done?! CAMERA 2 Yeah, I think so! SARAH Did we get everything? SAM We got it! PCR members run into studio. KEITH WE DID IT! JAMIE KEITH! KEITH JAMIE! Keith and Jamie hug each other. Henry walks through CCAM doors behind them. JAMIE HENRY! You came back! HENRY Well, I couldn’t leave you guys behind, now could I? KEITH Hey, great job with the sound effects, HENRY. We couldn't do this without you. CAMERA 3 Did you see that? CAMERA 2 Yeah, I did! That was amazing! CAMERA 3 20. 48.
50. CAMERA 3 I know! And that thing with the other thing? That was genius! CAMERA 1 You did such a great job, too! KEITH Hey, CAMERA 3! CAMERA 3 Yeah? KEITH: Good work today. You really pulled through for us in the end. CAMERA 3: (Beaming) Thank you! CHRIS I knew you could do it! SCHWARTZ [OOC] I’m so glad I got to work with you guys! BRITTA [OOC] Me too! MICHAEL [OOC] Yeah, this was awesome! SARAH [OOC] I can’t wait to see what it looks like on the recording! GEORGE [OOC] I can’t wait to not have to wear this costume! Everyone laughs and congratulates each other. JAMIE (To AUDIENCE) Hey, let’s all have a round of applause for our beautiful actors, for our amazing crew members, and even for you guys! Let’s have a round of applause for EVERYBODY!!! AUDIENCE [Applause] Triumphant free-use music plays, crew members pat each other on the back, all actors and crew members hug each other. EVA 49.
51. EVA Com’ere! LINDSAY High five! SAM We won! CHRIS We actually finished the show! HENRY We made it! EVA That was so good! JAMIE I can’t believe this is happening! CHRIS I’m so proud of everyone right now!” CAMERA 1 I love you guys! All 7 interns stand on stage together KEITH WE DID IT! WE ACTUALLY DID IT! WE FINISHED OUR INTERN PROJECT! FADE TO BLACK THE END 50.