Do you need to send, parse, store, and search large volumes of logging data? Well, step right up! We'll briefly stumble over the landscape and then embark on lessons learned about Perl, ElasticSearch, life, and ultimately ourselves! We'll talk about sending logging data using retro protocols like syslog. We'll discuss the up, down, left, and right sides of log parsing! We'll investigate my love-hate relationship with scaling and stabilizing ElasticSearch. Finally, we'll dive into interacting with your data and what unexpected things it can teach you!