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How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving C...

Arthur Doler
September 29, 2022

How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving Conflict with Collaboration

Conflict at work is as inevitable as the tides - like the old joke says, if you put five software engineers in a room, you’ll have seven opinions. Whether the conflict is over what language to use, what frameworks are the new hotness, or even just tabs vs spaces, conflict can get ugly. Tempers flare, positions are staked out in absolute terms, feelings are hurt, working relationships are destroyed… if only there were a way to avoid the negative consequences.

What if I told you that there is? Let’s take a journey together towards a wholly different approach to conflict - a collaborative one. In this talk, you’ll learn how to use conflict to fuel better software, better teams, and better companies. You’ll learn how to structure your team’s environment to draw out good conflict, to squelch the bad conflict, and to handle conflict when it becomes personal. We’ll discuss how to manage different confrontational styles, avoid self-sealing prophecies, and even how to deal with conflict when you lack control. Conflict should fuel your progress, not hinder it - and after this talk, you can make that happen.

Arthur Doler

September 29, 2022
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  1. @arthurdoler Arthur Doler Resources: Boring details about me are at

    https://arthurdoler.com https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict
  2. @arthurdoler 1. Two or more people… 2. Who hold differing

    or opposing… 3. Opinions or beliefs… 4. About something at work. Some strong undergraduate paper first sentence energy here
  3. @arthurdoler A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: Minson & Dorison,

    2021 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other
  4. @arthurdoler A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: Minson & Dorison,

    2021 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other 3) You both believe the evidence is on your side
  5. @arthurdoler Task, Process, and Relationship Conflict Psychological Safety as a

    Groundwork for Good Conflict Dealing with Emotions During Conflict Confrontational Styles Dealing with Conflict as an Individual Contributor Time to get uncomfortable!
  6. @arthurdoler IT MUST BE ESTABLISHED AT THE INTERPERSONAL LEVEL –

    TEAMS, WORKING GROUPS, ETC. Edmonson, 2019
  7. @arthurdoler 1. Set the Stage Frame the Work Emphasize Purpose

    2. Invite Participation Demonstrate Situational Humility Practice Inquiry 3. Respond Productively Express Appreciation Destigmatize Failure Sanction Clear Violations Edmonson, 2019
  8. @arthurdoler RULES FOR A GOOD QUESTION 1) You don’t know

    the answer 2) You ask questions that do not limit responses to “Yes” or “No” 3) You phrase the question in a way that helps others share their thinking in a focused way Edmondson, 2019
  9. @arthurdoler MODEL I SEEKS: •To “win” in a zero-sum game

    •To control the emotions of other participants •To enact concrete strategies to achieve those outcomes Argyris and Schön, 1974
  10. @arthurdoler MODEL II SEEKS: •To arrive at a win-win scenario

    •To accept and understand the emotions of the other participants •To avoid self-sealing processes Argyris and Schön, 1974
  11. @arthurdoler • Strictly passive approach • Hope that problems solve

    themselves • Rather than discuss conflict, they change subject, skip meetings, or leave the group altogether Forsyth, 2010; Bayazit & Mannix, 2003
  12. @arthurdoler • Passive, pro-social approach • Solves both large and

    small conflicts by giving in to others’ demands • Could be either genuine conversion or superficial compliance Forsyth, 2010
  13. @arthurdoler • Active, pro-self approach • Uses competitive, powerful tactics

    to intimidate • Use mandates, challenges, arguing, insults, accusing, complaining, vengeance, & even physical violence Forsyth, 2010; Morrill, 1995
  14. @arthurdoler • Active, pro-social, and pro-self approach • Identifies the

    issues underlying the dispute & works to identify a solution for both • Attempts to get both sides to consider each person’s outcomes Forsyth, 2010
  15. @arthurdoler •A mixed approach •Attempts to win over others by

    accepting some (but not all) of their demands Forsyth, 2010
  16. @arthurdoler THERE’S MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF CONFLICT, AND THEY

    AREN’T ALL BAD Task, Relationship, and Process
  17. @arthurdoler TRYING TO CONTROL THEM USING MODEL I METHODS CREATES

    A SELF- SEALING PROCESS It locks you into that prison with no options
  18. @arthurdoler YOU CAN OFFER EXPLICIT MOMENTS TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS,

    AND MODEL TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS YOURSELF Difficult, but necessary
  19. @arthurdoler RECOGNIZING THE CONFRONTATIONAL STYLE OF THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS CAN

    HELP YOU ADJUST/WITHDRAW This requires a bit of introspection and extrospection
  20. @arthurdoler As an individual you can: Be aware of power

    dynamics Seek overlap in goals, or positions that fulfill all/most goals Pick your conflicts carefully Engage with intention and direction
  21. @arthurdoler Arthur Doler My website is probably still https://arthurdoler.com Resources:

    GO FORTH, AND CONFLICT! https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict