How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving Conflict with Collaboration

Conflict at work is as inevitable as the tides - like the old joke says, if you put five software engineers in a room, you’ll have seven opinions. Whether the conflict is over what language to use, what frameworks are the new hotness, or even just tabs vs spaces, conflict can get ugly. Tempers flare, positions are staked out in absolute terms, feelings are hurt, working relationships are destroyed… if only there were a way to avoid the negative consequences.

What if I told you that there is? Let’s take a journey together towards a wholly different approach to conflict - a collaborative one. In this talk, you’ll learn how to use conflict to fuel better software, better teams, and better companies. You’ll learn how to structure your team’s environment to draw out good conflict, to squelch the bad conflict, and to handle conflict when it becomes personal. We’ll discuss how to manage different confrontational styles, avoid self-sealing prophecies, and even how to deal with conflict when you lack control. Conflict should fuel your progress, not hinder it - and after this talk, you can make that happen.

Transcript

1. Arthur Doler @arthurdoler.com Resources: https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict Boring details about me are at https://arthurdoler.com
2. @arthurdoler.com Why hello there.
3. @arthurdoler.com When people ask what I do I always just tell them I solve problems
4. @arthurdoler.com Time for the hot new gameshow, “Which of Your Coworkers Would You Fight?”
5. 1. Two or more people… 2. Who hold differing or opposing… 3. Opinions or beliefs… 4. About something at work. @arthurdoler.com Some strong undergraduate paper first sentence energy here
6. A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: @arthurdoler.com Minson & Dorison, 2021
7. A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: 1) It’s important @arthurdoler.com Minson & Dorison, 2021
8. A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other @arthurdoler.com Minson & Dorison, 2021
9. A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other 3) You both believe the evidence is on your side @arthurdoler.com Minson & Dorison, 2021
10. @arthurdoler.com Once more, with gusto this time!
11. @arthurdoler.com Two houses, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we set our scene…
12. @arthurdoler.com Levi, 2017
13. @arthurdoler.com Cohen & Bailey, 1997
14. @arthurdoler.com I read books about brains so you don’t have to
15. Types of Conflict Psychological Safety as a Groundwork for Good Conflict Dealing with Emotions During Conflict Confrontational Styles Dealing with Conflict as an Individual Contributor @arthurdoler.com Time to get uncomfortable!
16. @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
17. @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
18. @arthurdoler.com Cohen & Bailey, 1997; O’Neill et al., 2013
19. @arthurdoler.com Smoke & Zajonc, 1962; O’Neill et al., 2013
20. @arthurdoler.com Smoke & Zajonc, 1962; O’Neill et al., 2013
21. @arthurdoler.com Smoke & Zajonc, 1962; O’Neill et al., 2013
22. @arthurdoler.com Tekleab et al., 2009
23. @arthurdoler.com Tekleab et al., 2009
24. CONFLICT DOESN’T ARISE JUST INSIDE OUR TEAMS, EITHER… @arthurdoler.com *ominous music swells*
25. @arthurdoler.com An easy question to ask, but a difficult one to answer
26. @arthurdoler.com Now available for children’s parties and bar mitzvahs!
27. @arthurdoler.com Getting kicked out of the Magician’s Brotherhood for this slide
28. @arthurdoler.com Shakin’ Hands with DANGER *guitar riff*
29. @arthurdoler.com Goffman, 1973
30. @arthurdoler.com Goffman, 1973 & Edmonson, 2003
31. @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2003
32. @arthurdoler.com Meeting bears – the hidden danger of lunch meetings
33. NOT ABOUT JUST BEING NICE @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2019
34. @arthurdoler.com Pretending a problem doesn’t exist usually makes it worse
35. IT’S NOT JUST A PERSONALITY FACTOR @arthurdoler.com Edmonson & Mogelof, 2005
36. NOT JUST TRUST, EITHER @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2019
37. @arthurdoler.com Because it’s on sale online, for only 3 easy payments!
38. @arthurdoler.com Exaggerated for effect, but only slightly
39. @arthurdoler.com BEAR-B-GON, now available at your favorite outdoor outfitters
40. @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 1999; Arumugam, Antony, & Kumar, 2013; Chugtai & Buckley, 2004
41. @arthurdoler.com @arthurdoler This is very poor archaeological practice, really
42. @arthurdoler.com Just 3 easy payments of $29.99!
43. PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY CANNOT REALLY BE ESTABLISHED AT AN ORGANIZATIONAL LEVEL @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2019
44. IT MUST BE ESTABLISHED AT THE INTERPERSONAL LEVEL @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2019
45. @arthurdoler.com @arthurdoler A hoe and a straw hat – universal signs of A Gardener
46. @arthurdoler.com @arthurdoler The rabbit is secretly planning to eat all the green shoots
47. @arthurdoler.com Well worth a read, and not overly long
48. 1. Set the Stage Frame the Work Emphasize Purpose 2. Invite Participation Demonstrate Situational Humility Practice Inquiry 3. Respond Productively Express Appreciation Destigmatize Failure Sanction Clear Violations @arthurdoler.com Edmonson, 2019
49. DEMONSTRATE SITUATIONAL HUMILITY @arthurdoler.com “There’s a typo on your sign… it should read ‘permanently’, right?”
50. NAÏVE REALISM @arthurdoler.com Get ready to get a little… Kantian.
51. @arthurdoler.com THE CHAOS BEGINS - GODSPEED SANDWICH WARRIORS
52. @arthurdoler.com This starts literally at birth
53. @arthurdoler.com We can’t stop this process, nor do we want to
54. @arthurdoler.com This is the heart of confirmation bias!
55. @arthurdoler.com We become different people based on what we encounter
56. @arthurdoler.com We need the differences to be effective!
57. @arthurdoler.com Wallisch, 2017 (Photos from Roman Originals site & Reddit user Barbarellaf)
58. PRACTICE INQUIRY @arthurdoler.com Congratulations, it is an insect!
59. RULES FOR A GOOD QUESTION 1) You don’t know the answer 2) You ask questions that do not limit responses to “Yes” or “No” 3) You phrase the question in a way that helps others share their thinking in a focused manner @arthurdoler.com Edmondson, 2019
60. @arthurdoler.com Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020
61. EXPRESS APPRECIATION @arthurdoler.com The trophy is optional, the appreciation is not
62. @arthurdoler.com A plague of frogs is never a great working environment
63. @arthurdoler.com “MARTHA! CALL THE EXTERMINATOR, THEY’RE BACK!”
64. @arthurdoler.com Note: squashing your emotions may have negative side effects
65. @arthurdoler.com @arthurdoler TIME TO GET IN THE SACK
66. @arthurdoler.com This is what I say to the mirror most mornings
67. @arthurdoler.com “PLEASE IGNORE THE JIGGLING BAG”
68. @arthurdoler.com This book is 260 pages, but it took me months to read
69. @arthurdoler.com Only one of these evokes childhood memories, I hope…
70. MODEL I SEEKS: •To “win” in a zero-sum game •To control the emotions of other participants •To enact concrete strategies to achieve those outcomes @arthurdoler.com Argyris and Schön, 1974
71. @arthurdoler.com Argyris and Schön, 1974
72. @arthurdoler.com Example time!
73. @arthurdoler.com “Kids these days,” etc, etc
74. @arthurdoler.com I am told this section is somewhat triggering for teachers
75. @arthurdoler.com Where did they get all those paper towels from?!
76. @arthurdoler.com More examples!
77. @arthurdoler.com This is Model I in action
78. @arthurdoler.com You’re not as good at being disingenuous as you think you are
79. @arthurdoler.com Top hats and waxed moustaches – clear signs of evil intent
80. @arthurdoler.com “Starting navigation to Hell, Michigan.” “IT WAS RHETORICAL, GOOGLE”
81. @arthurdoler.com You can’t Shawshank your way out of this prison
82. MODEL II SEEKS: •To arrive at a win-win scenario •To accept and understand the emotions of the other participants •To avoid self-sealing processes @arthurdoler.com Argyris and Schön, 1974
83. @arthurdoler.com Your brain seeks control, and Model I seems to offer it
84. @arthurdoler.com “I cast SUMMON ANGERFLIES”
85. Initially, we either: Angrily swat down “incorrect” opinions Use moral language to batter our opponents down @arthurdoler.com Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020
86. @arthurdoler.com You’re not gonna love the answer…
87. @arthurdoler.com Goggles: they usually actually do something
88. @arthurdoler.com yes – YES – the emotions are out
89. OFFER EXPLICIT POINTS TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS @arthurdoler.com Make it a regular part of your cadence
90. @arthurdoler.com “Can we talk about the weird fearfly?” …no.”
91. @arthurdoler.com Comfort is important.
92. @arthurdoler.com DANGER ZONE ♫
93. PREVENTING CONFLICT FROM SPILLING OVER @arthurdoler.com The goblet is filled with Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid
94. CONVERSATIONAL RECEPTIVENESS @arthurdoler.com Try this one weird trick to contain conflict!
95. @arthurdoler.com Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020 – THIS PAPER IS UNDER REVIEW
96. H.E.A.R. Hedging Emphasizing Agreement Acknowledgement Reframing to the Positive @arthurdoler.com Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020 – THIS PAPER IS UNDER REVIEW
97. @arthurdoler.com @arthurdoler Drawing this slide felt like a feverdream
98. @arthurdoler.com These are real things, not just marketing tools.
99. @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
100. • Strictly passive approach • Hope that problems solve themselves • Rather than discuss conflict, they change subject, skip meetings, or leave the group altogether @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010; Bayazit & Mannix, 2003
101. • Passive, pro-social approach • Solves both large and small conflicts by giving in to others’ demands • Could be either genuine conversion or superficial compliance @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
102. • Active, pro-self approach • Uses competitive, powerful tactics to intimidate • Use mandates, challenges, arguing, insults, accusing, complaining, vengeance, & even physical violence @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010; Morrill, 1995
103. • Active, pro-social, and pro-self approach • Identifies the issues underlying the dispute & works to identify a solution for both • Attempts to get both sides to consider each person’s outcomes @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
104. •A mixed approach •Attempts to win over others by accepting some (but not all) of their demands @arthurdoler.com Forsyth, 2010
105. @arthurdoler.com A tough choice every morning
106. @arthurdoler.com Not gonna be a great planning meeting…
107. @arthurdoler.com At least I really hope you do…
108. @arthurdoler.com You have the power!
109. @arthurdoler.com Mondays, am I right?!
110. @arthurdoler.com Wood et al., 1994; Clark, 1990; Levine and Russo, 1987
111. @arthurdoler.com The “R” is for “Reginald”
112. @arthurdoler.com Always lead with the type of interaction you want to have
113. @arthurdoler.com You can use the “tit-for-tat” interaction strategy here, if you know what that is
114. @arthurdoler.com Mnookin, Peppet & Tulumello, 2004
115. @arthurdoler.com Mnookin, Peppet & Tulumello, 2004
116. @arthurdoler.com Mnookin, Peppet & Tulumello, 2004
117. @arthurdoler.com Positions are way more bendy than goals
118. @arthurdoler.com Everything about conflict can be mutable
119. @arthurdoler.com Wintergreen vs classic Peppermint
120. @arthurdoler.com There’s probably a cherry-picked Sun-Tzu quote I could use here
121. @arthurdoler.com It might get you what you want, but there will be consequences
122. “SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD” @arthurdoler.com Covey, 1989
123. @arthurdoler.com “Don’t worry, I’m a licensed Brain Explorer.”
124. @arthurdoler.com *ding*
125. THERE’S MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF CONFLICT, AND THEY AREN’T ALL BAD @arthurdoler.com Task, Relationship, and Process
126. PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY ENABLES US TO SURFACE HIDDEN CONFLICT AND ENGAGE WITH IT @arthurdoler.com Get that PPE on!
127. EMOTIONS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN IN CONFLICT, YOU CANNOT STOP THEM @arthurdoler.com Again, I wish we could
128. TRYING TO CONTROL THEM USING MODEL I METHODS CREATES A SELFSEALING PROCESS @arthurdoler.com It locks you into that prison with no options
129. YOU CAN OFFER EXPLICIT MOMENTS TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS, AND MODEL TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS YOURSELF @arthurdoler.com Difficult, but necessary
130. RECOGNIZING THE CONFRONTATIONAL STYLE OF THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS CAN HELP YOU ADJUST/WITHDRAW @arthurdoler.com This requires a bit of introspection and extrospection
131. As an individual you can: Be aware of power dynamics Seek overlap in goals, or positions that fulfill all/most goals Pick your conflicts carefully @arthurdoler.com Engage with intention and direction
132. @arthurdoler.com Not pictured: traumatized readers of the book
133. @arthurdoler.com On your way to a louder but better future!
134. GO FORTH AND CONFLICT! Arthur Doler @arthurdoler.com Resources: https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict My website is probably still https://arthurdoler.com