How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving Conflict with Collaboration

@arthurdoler Arthur Doler Resources: Boring details about me are at
https://arthurdoler.com https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict

@arthurdoler Why hello there.

@arthurdoler When people ask what I do I always just
tell them I solve problems

@arthurdoler Time for the hot new gameshow, “Which of Your
Coworkers Would You Fight?”

@arthurdoler 1. Two or more people… 2. Who hold differing
or opposing… 3. Opinions or beliefs… 4. About something at work. Some strong undergraduate paper first sentence energy here

@arthurdoler A DISAGREEMENT BECOMES A CONFLICT WHEN: Minson & Dorison,
2021

2021 1) It’s important

2021 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other

2021 1) It’s important 2) You are interdependent with each other 3) You both believe the evidence is on your side

@arthurdoler Time for the hot new gameshow, “Which of Your
Coworkers Would You Fight?”

@arthurdoler Two houses, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona
where we set our scene…

@arthurdoler Levi, 2017

@arthurdoler Cohen & Bailey, 1997

@arthurdoler I read books about brains so you don’t have
to

@arthurdoler Task, Process, and Relationship Conflict Psychological Safety as a
Groundwork for Good Conflict Dealing with Emotions During Conflict Confrontational Styles Dealing with Conflict as an Individual Contributor Time to get uncomfortable!

@arthurdoler Forsyth, 2010

@arthurdoler Cohen & Bailey, 1997; O’Neill et al., 2013

@arthurdoler Smoke & Zajonc, 1962; O’Neill et al., 2013

@arthurdoler Tekleab et al., 2009

@arthurdoler CONFLICT DOESN’T ARISE JUST INSIDE OUR TEAMS, EITHER… *ominous
music swells*

@arthurdoler An easy question to ask, but a difficult one
to answer

@arthurdoler @arthurdoler Now available for children’s parties and bar mitzvahs!

@arthurdoler Everyone already knew how this trick worked, right?

@arthurdoler Shakin’ Hands with DANGER

@arthurdoler Goffman, 1973

@arthurdoler Goffman, 1973 & Edmonson, 2003

@arthurdoler Edmonson, 2003

@arthurdoler Meeting bears – the hidden danger of lunch meetings

@arthurdoler NOT ABOUT JUST BEING NICE Edmonson, 2019

@arthurdoler Pretending a problem doesn’t exist usually makes it worse

@arthurdoler IT’S NOT JUST A PERSONALITY FACTOR Edmonson & Mogelof,
2005

@arthurdoler NOT JUST TRUST, EITHER Edmonson, 2019

@arthurdoler Because I said so?

@arthurdoler Exaggerated for effect, but only slightly

@arthurdoler BEAR-B-GON, now available at your favorite outdoor outfitters

@arthurdoler Edmonson, 1999; Arumugam, Antony, & Kumar, 2013; Chugtai &
Buckley, 2004

@arthurdoler @arthurdoler This is very poor archaeological practice, really

@arthurdoler Just 3 easy payments of $29.99!

@arthurdoler PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY CANNOT REALLY BE ESTABLISHED AT AN ORGANIZATIONAL
LEVEL Edmonson, 2019

@arthurdoler IT MUST BE ESTABLISHED AT THE INTERPERSONAL LEVEL –
TEAMS, WORKING GROUPS, ETC. Edmonson, 2019

@arthurdoler @arthurdoler A hoe and a straw hat – universal
signs of A Gardener

@arthurdoler @arthurdoler The rabbit is secretly planning to eat all
the green shoots

@arthurdoler Well worth a read, and not overly long

@arthurdoler 1. Set the Stage Frame the Work Emphasize Purpose
2. Invite Participation Demonstrate Situational Humility Practice Inquiry 3. Respond Productively Express Appreciation Destigmatize Failure Sanction Clear Violations Edmonson, 2019

@arthurdoler DEMONSTRATE SITUATIONAL HUMILITY “There’s a typo on your sign…
it should read ‘permanently’, right?”

@arthurdoler NAÏVE REALISM Get ready to get a little… Kantian.

@arthurdoler CHAOS REIGNS

@arthurdoler This starts literally at birth

@arthurdoler We can’t stop this process, nor do we want
to

@arthurdoler This is the heart of confirmation bias!

@arthurdoler We become different people based on what we encounter

@arthurdoler We need the differences to be effective!

@arthurdoler BLACK/BLUE VS WHITE

@arthurdoler PRACTICE INQUIRY Congratulations, it is an insect!

@arthurdoler RULES FOR A GOOD QUESTION 1) You don’t know
the answer 2) You ask questions that do not limit responses to “Yes” or “No” 3) You phrase the question in a way that helps others share their thinking in a focused way Edmondson, 2019

@arthurdoler USE ELABORATION QUESTIONS Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino,
2020

@arthurdoler EXPRESS APPRECIATION The trophy is optional, the appreciation is
not

@arthurdoler A plague of frogs is never a great working
environment

@arthurdoler PREVENTING CONFLICT FROM SPILLING OVER The goblet is filled
with Purplesaurus Rex

@arthurdoler CONVERSATIONAL RECEPTIVENESS Try this one weird trick to make
contain conflict!

@arthurdoler Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020

@arthurdoler H.E.A.R. Hedging Emphasizing Agreement Acknowledgement Reframing to the Positive
Yeomans, Minson, Collins, Chen & Gino, 2020

@arthurdoler “MARTHA! CALL THE EXTERMINATOR, THEY’RE BACK!”

@arthurdoler Note: squashing your emotions may have negative side effects

@arthurdoler TIME TO GET IN THE SACK

@arthurdoler This is what I say to the mirror most
mornings

@arthurdoler “PLEASE IGNORE THE JIGGLING BAG”

@arthurdoler This book is 260 pages, but it took me
months to read

@arthurdoler Only one of these evokes childhood memories, I hope…

@arthurdoler MODEL I SEEKS: •To “win” in a zero-sum game
•To control the emotions of other participants •To enact concrete strategies to achieve those outcomes Argyris and Schön, 1974

@arthurdoler Argyris and Schön, 1974

@arthurdoler Example time!

@arthurdoler “Kids these days,” etc, etc

@arthurdoler I am told this section is triggering for teachers

@arthurdoler Where did they get all those paper towels from?!

@arthurdoler More examples!

@arthurdoler This is Model I in action

@arthurdoler You’re not as good at being disingenuous as you
think you are

@arthurdoler Top hats and waxed moustaches – clear signs of
evil intent

@arthurdoler “Starting navigation to Hell, Michigan.” “IT WAS RHETORICAL, GOOGLE”

@arthurdoler You can’t Shawshank your way out of this prison

@arthurdoler MODEL II SEEKS: •To arrive at a win-win scenario
•To accept and understand the emotions of the other participants •To avoid self-sealing processes Argyris and Schön, 1974

@arthurdoler Your brain seeks control, and Model I seems to
offer it

@arthurdoler “I cast SUMMON ANGERFLIES”

@arthurdoler Either: Angrily swat down “incorrect” opinions Moral language to
batter our opponents down

@arthurdoler You’re not gonna love the answer…

@arthurdoler Goggles: they usually actually do something

@arthurdoler yes – YES – the emotions are out

@arthurdoler OFFER EXPLICIT POINTS TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS Make it
a regular part of your cadence

@arthurdoler “Can we talk about the weird fearfly?” …no.”

@arthurdoler Comfort is important.

@arthurdoler DANGER ZONE ♫

@arthurdoler @arthurdoler Drawing this slide felt like a feverdream

@arthurdoler Yes, these are real things.

@arthurdoler Forsyth, 2010

@arthurdoler • Strictly passive approach • Hope that problems solve
themselves • Rather than discuss conflict, they change subject, skip meetings, or leave the group altogether Forsyth, 2010; Bayazit & Mannix, 2003

@arthurdoler • Passive, pro-social approach • Solves both large and
small conflicts by giving in to others’ demands • Could be either genuine conversion or superficial compliance Forsyth, 2010

@arthurdoler • Active, pro-self approach • Uses competitive, powerful tactics
to intimidate • Use mandates, challenges, arguing, insults, accusing, complaining, vengeance, & even physical violence Forsyth, 2010; Morrill, 1995

@arthurdoler • Active, pro-social, and pro-self approach • Identifies the
issues underlying the dispute & works to identify a solution for both • Attempts to get both sides to consider each person’s outcomes Forsyth, 2010

@arthurdoler •A mixed approach •Attempts to win over others by
accepting some (but not all) of their demands Forsyth, 2010

@arthurdoler A tough choice every morning

@arthurdoler Not gonna be a great planning meeting…

@arthurdoler At least I really hope you do…

@arthurdoler You have the power!

@arthurdoler Mondays, am I right?!

@arthurdoler Wood et al., 1994; Clark, 1990; Levine and Russo,
1987

@arthurdoler The “R” is for “Reginald”

@arthurdoler Always lead with the type of interaction you want
to have

@arthurdoler You can use the “tit-for-tat” interaction strategy here, if
you know what that is

@arthurdoler Mnookin, Peppet & Tulumello, 2004

@arthurdoler Positions are way more bendy than goals

@arthurdoler Everything about conflict can be mutable

@arthurdoler Wintergreen vs classic Peppermint

@arthurdoler There’s probably a cherry-picked Sun-Tzu quote I could use
here

@arthurdoler It might get you what you want but there
will be consequences

@arthurdoler “SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD” Covey,
1989

@arthurdoler “Don’t worry, I’m a licensed Brain Explorer.”

@arthurdoler *ding*

@arthurdoler THERE’S MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF CONFLICT, AND THEY
AREN’T ALL BAD Task, Relationship, and Process

@arthurdoler PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY ENABLES US TO SURFACE HIDDEN CONFLICT AND
ENGAGE WITH IT Get that PPE on!

@arthurdoler EMOTIONS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN IN CONFLICT, YOU CANNOT
STOP THEM Again, I wish we could

@arthurdoler TRYING TO CONTROL THEM USING MODEL I METHODS CREATES
A SELF- SEALING PROCESS It locks you into that prison with no options

@arthurdoler YOU CAN OFFER EXPLICIT MOMENTS TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS,
AND MODEL TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS YOURSELF Difficult, but necessary

@arthurdoler RECOGNIZING THE CONFRONTATIONAL STYLE OF THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS CAN
HELP YOU ADJUST/WITHDRAW This requires a bit of introspection and extrospection

@arthurdoler As an individual you can: Be aware of power
dynamics Seek overlap in goals, or positions that fulfill all/most goals Pick your conflicts carefully Engage with intention and direction

@arthurdoler Not pictured: traumatized readers of the book

@arthurdoler On your way to a louder but better future!

@arthurdoler Arthur Doler My website is probably still https://arthurdoler.com Resources:
GO FORTH, AND CONFLICT! https://bit.ly/art-collaborative-conflict

How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving C...

How To Not Strangle Your Coworkers: Resolving Conflict with Collaboration

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