Turtles vs Backpacks

Another Great Debate at Buntport Theater

Transcript

1. Turtles v Rucksacks Dr* Suzanne When Buntport called me to share my expertise on this important topic, I almost fell for the old cliche: just google the topic. But I didn’t do that.
2. I used DuckDuckGo. And I learned that Victoria’s Secret sells backpacks – the first advertising result…
3. But there’s nothing “turtle” about them.
4. Walmart,
5. Amazon,
6. & Etsy actually sell *Ninja Turtle* backpacks - the entire debate in a single product. And that’s good marketing. Report the controversy, right? Controversy sells.
7. Sex also sell, but the Victorias’s Secret backpacks are frankly kinda slim, and pale in comparison. They all have the same… body shape…
8. Turtles come in all shapes and size.
9. From this cute little snapper,
10. to the mutants who saved us from Shredder…
11. while shredding! Cowabunga. But let’s step back for a bit of context:
12. Queen Victoria began her reign of the British Empire in 1837, reigning for over 60 years, until her death in 1901. The exact length of the Victorian Era. Explain that! I don’t believe in coincidence. Having died She never got to retire and enjoy…
13. a Palm Beach vacation, or
14. discover her Inner Rembrandt.
15. Rem Brandt. More Light. Or, according to Google translate:
16. Brake is on.
17. Queen Victoria also declared herself Empress of India, which raises some questions that I’m not sure team backpack is prepared to answer.
18. But this is the secret – what they don't want you to know:
19. Queen Victoria never actually owned a backpack!! At most, she might have had a Moneybag or packsack*.
20. The term “backpack” was coined in the 1910s, an entire decade after Queen Victoria’s death, in these United States. A dramatic way to kick off the new “Edwardian” Era across the pond.
21. There are Turtle bags of all kinds, though,
22. including moneybags and probably even packsacks.
23. Oh, and there’s Vanilla Ice. He made bags of Turtle money.
24. Vanilla Ice is actually the stage name for American rapper
25. Robert Matthew Van Winkle, who is not queen of anything – but… But!
26. He did play bass on one of Queen’s greatest hits. Well, Allegedly.
27. Anyway… Roger Taylor didn’t seem to mind:
28. Which makes me wonder. If Roger here (or Brian, or Freddie really — any queen who’s not…
29. *a* queen but part of…
30. *the* queen) refers to their band in first-person plural – *we, as in Queen* right? – does that count as a royal “we”? Answer me that, team “backpack”. I’m not British. To whit: In England this debate would be with a *rucksack* or a *Bergen*.
31. Backpacks are provincial, while Turtles
32. are universal. Not just known everywhere,
33. but they hold the universe on their back.
34. And what holds up the turtle that carries us? Another turtle.
35. It’s turtles all the way down. Thank you turtles.
36. I can’t actually find any images of Vanilla Ice wearing a backpack, which says a lot, right? Not a coincidence.
37. The Ninja Turtles made their first public appearance as teenagers
38. in 1984 with their now-famous
39. super-bowl commercial,
40. which ushered in the age of personal computing. I was born in 1982, and really looked up to those turtles – like older cousins, you know.
41. I was particularly inspired by Donatello’s aptitude for science and technology, and his ground-breaking approach
42. to shallow architectural relief.
43. I also liked the arcade game – we’d play it at the skating rink. That was a classic school outing in the 80s. My parents were offended by the violence, tho, and never really understood or accepted the way turtles, and specifically the turtle-backpack debate, would shape my life.
44. Has anyone read A Prayer for Owen Meany? I’m not saying I’m “God’s instrument” here, but I am saying my whole life has lead to this moment. This is my version of “the shot” that John & Owen practice over and over. Anyone? Yes? And now here I am, protecting you from the hand-grenade that is Team Backpack.
45. paid for by the TURTLES FOR AMERICA action committee Sorry, I shouldn’t point fingers. I don’t want to run a negative campaign. I think we should keep these debates positive. What are we voting *for*, you know? And please don’t say Mike Bloomberg. I bet they would say Mike Bloomberg.
46. *When your only tool is a backpack*, you know? It’s sad, really.
47. You gotta put more tools in it, right? That’s called the **law of the instrument**. Or in England they call it a
48. *Birmingham screwdriver*. I’m not British.
49. To Recap: So to recap:
50. This turtle doesn’t need a backpack
51. To Recap: Universe Turtle: NO BACKPACK to hold up the universe.
52. Atlas
53. To Recap: Universe Turtle: NO BACKPACK Atlas God: NO BACKPACK doesn’t need one either.
54. Queen Victoria, fancy dress, too much power…
55. To Recap: Universe Turtle: NO BACKPACK Atlas God: NO BACKPACK Fancy Queen: NO BACKPACK no backpack.
56. Vanilla Ice?
57. To Recap: Universe Turtle: NO BACKPACK Atlas God: NO BACKPACK Fancy Queen: NO BACKPACK White Rap: NO BACKPACK no use for it. So that’s a bit of historic perspective on the issue. As you can see, history repeats itself. But tonight: the future is in your hands. I believe in you. And so does Mr Van Winkle: