Success or Love?

a series of vignettes for my relationship with art, love, and success.

Transcript

1. “If given the chance, would you take success or love?”
2. That’s a question I’ve only heard in elementary school.
3. And, every time, I took success in a heartbeat.
4. Last Sunday at a family gathering, I talking to my cousin about anime.
5. At the end, she told me that she wished she had people around her to talk about nerd stuff.
6. It was weird hearing that, knowing I’ve been an arts high school and am now at art college.
7. It made me think about how I’ve been running towards art all my life.
8. Every winter and summer break, I hang out with my childhood friends
9. Recently, I’ve been catching myself laughing and talking about things that aren’t art.
10. A separate life starts forming in my mind, one that is satisfied without art.
11. And I think, “If I stopped running, what if I don’t fall?”
12. On graduation day of high school, an art teacher I respected told me I was a “real artist”
13. She was referring to how she was glad I was still pursuing art at my dream school, despite suffering so much for it.
14. “If I stopped, what was all the running for?”
15. What person would I see in the mirror if i had chosen love over the pain of success?
16. For all my winter break, I’ve been working on my portfolio in cafes.
17. Today, on New Years Eve, I looked around and saw people laughing with loved ones.
18. I think what scares me most is the thought that:
19. “If I stop running…”
20. “And look up”
21. “I’ll see someone who, despite not fighting for their dreams.”
22. “And despite not getting what they wanted.”
23. “Is still satisfied with the love that they do have”
24. A month ago, my suitemate and I were drawing together. He randomly told me:
25. “ You’re really good at drawing that yearning expression”
26. It stuck with me, as if he knew something through my art that I didn’t know myself.
27. “What was I yearning for?”
28. The reality of art, or the reality of love?
29. I feel greedy in saying this,
30. But was it too impossible to have both?
31. To have my cake and eat it too?
32. Is it so greedy?
34. To yearn for a life full of art and full of love?
35. To maintain friendships and family, while being ceaselessly devoted to your craft?
36. To run forever, but also rest and never experience the pain from running?
38. And that's when I realize that we are two different realities.
39. But I’m greedy.
40. So I will always cherish the time with my cousins
41. My childhood friends
42. My teachers
43. my art friends
44. So, before I stop running, I’ll try to be as greedy as possible
45. And maybe at the end of the road, I’ll learn the answer:
46. Do you take success, or love?