Cycle of Conflict or Cycle of Connection?

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC The Interpersonal Cycle Conflict à Connection
Blame à Response-ability

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC The Interpersonal Cycle Conflict à Connection
Blame à Response-ability How can we create and perpetuate more cycles of conflict in our lives? Or—if that’s not your thing—how can we transform that into cycles of connection? Here’s a step by step understanding of these dynamics.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC Their Action Someone does something. (To
make this more meaningful, think of a recent emotionally-charged interaction you have had. Then click forward, applying this cycle to that.)

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC Their Action Their action triggers a
reaction in me.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action “Why did
I do that?” you ask me. “Well, they did [their action] first.”

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action My action,
in turn, triggers a reaction from them. “Well you...” “That’s only because you...” And so the cycle goes on.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action Let’s go
back a step to break this down Why did I do that? There's more to it, of course, than their action.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Emotion My Action Their Action
We won’t take action without emotion. Emotion is what motivates action, what sets it in motion. “You made me angry, so I...” “I am angry because you were late, so I...”

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC Except it’s not quite that simple.
Other people’s actions don’t cause our feelings; They trigger them.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Emotion c My Action My
Story Their Action Except it’s not quite that simple. Other people’s actions don’t cause our feelings; They trigger them.

Story Their Action What causes our feelings is how we explain their actions—the story we tell ourselves: “I felt ___ because you” is actually, “When you____, I felt ____ because I thought ____” e.g. “When you took my parking spot, I felt angry because I thought, “I can’t believe how selfish David is.” Except it’s not quite that simple. Other people’s actions don’t cause our feelings; They trigger them.

Story Their Action Acknowledging this is the first step in moving from Blame to Response-ability. Except it’s not quite that simple. Other people’s actions don’t cause our feelings; They trigger them.

Story Their Action To recap: 1. When we see or hear someone do something 2. We make sense of it through story (consciously or not) 3. Then we feel an emotion 4. Which motivates an action 1. 2. 3. 4.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Emotion My Action Their Story
My Story Their Action And it turns out this is happening on their side as well.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action And it turns out this is happening on their side as well.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Their Internal World Not only that, it’s happening in the context of whatever is already going on inside us, Our Internal Worlds.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Deep Desires (what I care about/value/am yearning for) Current State (how hungry, tired, or triggered I am, etc) Our Internal Worlds include our: Deep Desires—what’s really important to us, in general and in this moment, and

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Deep Desires (what I care about/value/am yearning for) Current State (how hungry, tired, or or triggered I am, etc) Our Internal Worlds include our: Current State—the biology that drives us—if you are really hungry, really tired, really triggered, or even if you really, really have to pee, you’ll react differently than at other times

Their Emotion My Story Their Action Their Internal World Deep Desires (what they care about/value/are yearning for) Current State (how hungry, tired, or triggered they are, etc) The same is true for them

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Their Internal World We both have these internal worlds, our deep desires and current states, which are always affecting us, which are trying, at the root, to keep us alive.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Internal World Their Internal World
My Action Their Story My Story Their Action My Emotion Their Emotion As long as I am alive, My Internal World is always affecting me, and theirs is always affecting them.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Their Internal World But we can’t see theirs.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action ? My Internal World But we can’t see theirs. It’s a mystery to us.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Their Internal World ? Nor can they see ours.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action ? My Internal World Here’s a crucial point:

Their Emotion My Story Their Action ? My Internal World Since we can’t see theirs

My Emotion My Action My assumption of their story My assumption of their emotion My Story Their Action We often invent it to fill in the gap.

My Emotion My Action My assumption of their story My assumption of their emotion My Story Their Action We often invent it to fill in the gap. But we don’t often realize it’s just our assumptions, a guess or a projection, our story about them.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action ? My Internal World We use clues, like a tone of voice or facial expression, as a jumping off point for our assumptions, but since we are missing so much information, our assumptions are often incomplete or incorrect.

My Emotion My Action My imagination of their story My imagination of their emotion My Story Their Action We may ignore their worlds and attribute their action entirely to something we said or did. (“How could what I said make her so mad?!”)

Sleep-deprived, headache & sore throat Looming deadline at work My Emotion My Action My imagination of their story My imagination of their emotion My Story Their Action When in reality, their action was largely driven by stress at work, being sick, or a poor night’s sleep.

Sleep-deprived, headache & sore throat Looming deadline at work When in reality, their action was largely driven by stress at work, being sick, or a poor night’s sleep. And we just triggered that. My Emotion My Action My imagination of their story My imagination of their emotion My Story Their Action

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My Internal World Their Internal World And this all gets one level more complicated.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action External World External World My Internal World Their Internal World External World External World We exist in external worlds, too.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC External World • Physical Surroundings •
time of day • temperature • noise level • Social Surroundings • work and family relationships/pressures • incentives • ism’s (racism, sexism, etc) Our External Worlds involves things like our Physical Surroundings and our Social Surroundings.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Internal World Their External World Their External World We always share some—but never all—of our external worlds with them. (And because we share some, it’s easy to forget we don’t share all.)

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Internal World Their External World Their External World That’s the whole picture.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World ? But we can only see our side

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? But we can only see our side (and sometimes, a little bit of their external world).

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? If the cycle turns vicious, and we want to make a change, how can we do so?

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? I will share two central strategies we can use to shift the cycle.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? First, getting feedback from them helps us see the impact of our actions.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Internal World Their External World Their External World First, getting feedback from them helps us see the impact of our actions. This visibility lets us calibrate those actions in the future to ensure they have their intended impact.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? In other words, when I get regular feedback from you, I have a better idea of what your likely response will be to My Action.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? If that response is not the desired one, the one I intend to create, then I can change My Action

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? which allows me to match Intention with Impact.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC That’s the end of the show.
But here’s a metaphor, in case it helps you understand or remember this better. (After the metaphor, you can find the second strategy.)

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Emotion My Action My Story
Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World You know what happens inside your house. You can see what your neighbor does outside their house (their action), But you cannot know what happens inside their house

Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World (even if you do make up stories about it). My imagination of their story My imagination of their emotion

Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World You can go inside your house, and into the street, but to know what happens in their house they need to show you inside.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Story Their Emotion
Their Action Their Internal World Their External World Their External World Same for them.

Their Action Their Internal World Their External World Their External World Their assumptions of my emotion Their assumptions of my story Same for them.

Their Action Their Internal World Their External World Their External World Their assumptions of my emotion Their assumptions of my story You don’t want people coming into your house without knocking or an invitation. That doesn’t help you feel safe.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action So, don’t “jump the fence.” Stay inside your house and in the public area. If you want to know what their story is, ask.

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC What can you do inside your
own house if you want to change the cycle? Strategy 2: Manage the Space Between

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action If we
want to stop these “Well I...because you...” cycles “You [did Y]” “Well I only [did Y] because you [did X]”

Their Emotion My Story Their Action My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? We can focus on what happens in the space between their action and our response.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action ? the space à We can focus on what happens in the space between their action and our response. My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC “Between stimulus and response there is
a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Viktor Frankl

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action We often
try to control the other person’s actions “Stop doing that!”

©2020 Brain-Based Workplace, LLC My Action Their Action the space
à We often try to control the other person’s actions instead of controlling the only thing we can: whatever is in the space between.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? We often try to control the other person’s actions Instead of controlling the only thing we can: whatever is in the space between.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? And what about our actions?

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? When we pay attention to our thoughts and emotions and the worlds in which they occur, we see how our thoughts, emotions, and worlds combine to create our actions, and how our actions contribute to the other person’s reactions.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? We can’t always choose the first thought Their Action triggers, but we can choose our response to it.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? We can see it as just a thought, a story our brain invented to make sense of the world, and if that thought is limiting us, we can create a second thought that follows it.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? Our emotions happen in the space between, too. If we don’t make space for them, they tend to stick around.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? When we do make space, we might see our emotions as messages and motivators from our Internal World trying to take care of us, to keep us alive.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? In this light, emotions are always signaling that we are either getting closer to or farther from something we care about—the Deeper Desire— and motivating us to take action on that.

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? Having heard that message consciously, We can CHOOSE an action that responds to what we are both yearning for

Their Emotion My Story Their Action the space à My External World My External World My Internal World Their Ext nal World ? And change the cycle From a vicious one to a virtuous one.

[email protected] www.brainbasedworkplace.com

Cycle of Conflict or Cycle of Connection?

Cycle of Conflict or Cycle of Connection?

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