Reframing Shame & Embracing Mistakes

Imposter syndrome is rampant among tech workers and there are so many ways that we put ourselves down and minimize our own accomplishments without even realizing it - and shame is a powerful and dangerous emotion. But everyone makes mistakes and in fact, making mistakes and learning from them makes us smarter! The tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy suggest that these kinds of harmful thought patterns are automatic, ingrained in us from years of practice. This talk will help you identify some of those thought patterns so you can challenge them and reframe them in healthier ways!

As delivered at Refactr.Tech on September 16, 2022

Transcript

1. Reframing Shame & Embracing Mistakes Jameson Hampton (they/them)
2. Hi! I’m Jameson! @jameybash
3. Raise your hand... if you have ever introduced a bug into production or caused a production incident Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
4. Shame is a powerful emotion Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
5. Now raise your hand... if you lied just now about if you’ve ever caused an incident (or if you thought about lying) Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
6. “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” —Oscar Wilde Learning from Mistakes • Trial and error is how we learn a lot of things, starting in childhood! • Mistakes? Everyone makes them! • Wisdom = knowledge + understanding + experience Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
7. Case Study: GitLab Outage, Jan 31 2017 • ~18 hours of downtime • ~300GB of unrecoverable lost production data • caused by an error made by a developer (“team-member-1”) who accidentally removed the database directory of the primary database instead of the secondary • “At GitLab we think that the people making the most mistakes frequently correlate with the people doing the most work.” Blamelessness 🎉 team-member-1 was promoted!! 🎉
8. Talking about Mistakes It can be hard to admit when we’ve made a mistake! But again: everyone makes them. • Normalizes other people making mistakes (and admitting to them) • Makes you a good teammate • Inspires confidence in your work Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
9. Case Study: GitLab Outage, Jan 31 2017 Transparency (interview with GitLab’s Pablo Carranza, Software Engineering Daily)
10. Combating Shame with Humor
11. Combating Shame with Humor
12. Basics of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) Automatic Thoughts Cognitive Distortions Feedback Loops Cognitive Reframing Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
13. Automatic Thoughts • Our brains are so practiced at interpreting the world around us that they can form really complex thoughts automatically. • Sometimes this is good and really efficient! ◦ If you see a car coming, you don’t have to take some time to deliberate - your brain knows that you should hop out of the way! • Other times, forming thoughts without reflection or deliberate reasoning can be deeply unhelpful! ◦ Intrusive thoughts ◦ Cognitive distortions ◦ Have you ever jumped to a conclusion when meeting someone new, and then felt bad about it later? Most of the thoughts we have just kind of happen to us without really thinking about them! Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
14. Feedback Loops • ...which means negative feelings are prone to breed MORE negative feelings! • Secondary anxiety: having anxiety about the fact that I’m feeling anxious ◦ causes panic attacks!! • Bad feelings, especially anxiety, also cause physical reactions in our bodies ◦ increase in heart rate ◦ shortness of breath or hyperventilation ◦ tense muscles ◦ stomach ache ◦ feel very hot • ...and this further reinforces negative feedback loops, because feeling bad in your body also triggers more negative emotions Having thoughts about your emotions leads to MORE emotional reactions Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
15. Cognitive Distortions • “I suspect you will find that a great many of your negative feelings are in fact based on such thinking errors.” — David Burns • The more you practice these thought patterns, the more entrenched they become in the way you think • The CBT technique for stopping cognitive distortions is called “cognitive reframing” • The more you practice cognitive reframing, the more automatic it becomes Describes the chain reaction of events that can cause automatic thoughts Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
16. Cognitive Reframing 1. Notice your cognitive distortions 1.1. This requires practice! 2. Evaluate the evidence 2.1. Try writing it down in a list 3. Practice compassion 3.1. Treat yourself as kindly as you’d treat your friends Okay Jamey, but how do I actually practice this? Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
17. Feelings Wheel Hacking Your Emotional API John Sawers emotionalapi.com
18. Cognitive Distortions / Harmful Thought Patterns • all or nothing thinking • catastrophizing • fortune telling • labeling • magnifying the negative • minimizing the positive • mind reading • overgeneralization • self-blaming Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
19. All or Nothing Thinking Making the assumption that there are only two possibilities in a given situation; this removes any potential middle ground or room for mistakes Try reframing! I made a mistake today and my performance review is next week. There’s no way I’ll get a good review now. “Making a mistake is frustrating, and the timing on this one was particularly frustrating, but I just have to keep doing my best. It’s unlikely that a single badly timed mistake will ruin my whole performance review.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
20. Catastrophizing Extrapolating horrible outcomes from a small or insignificant event; assuming the worst case scenario will come to pass Try reframing! I caused an incident today… I’m going to get fired and then I’ll never be able to find another job. “I wouldn’t expect to get fired over a single incident, but even if I did, I found this job and I would find another opportunity.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
21. Fortune Telling Making dramatic, non-evidence-based predictions about what will happen in the future Try reframing! Last time I did a deploy, it brought the whole site down. I’m sure it’s going to happen again today. “I messed up last time, but I learned a lot from it. I’m better prepared to not mess up again. I should just take it one step at a time.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
22. Labeling An overgeneralization that creates a negative judgement about an entire person based on a small amount of evidence Try reframing! I overlooked a really obvious bug today… I’m a terrible programmer. “I made a mistake today and missed a bug that felt obvious. I’m feeling pretty embarrassed. But now I’ll know to look out for stuff like that next time.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
23. Magnifying the Negative Fixating ones thoughts on only the negative aspects of a situation; allows our negative feelings to become exaggerated in importance Try reframing! Jess found two typos in my code when she reviewed it. It must seem like I wasn’t even paying attention. “The rest of my code was good, and typos aren’t a very serious mistake. Jess caught them, so it wasn’t a big deal.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
24. Minimizing the Positive The counterpart to magnifying the negative; ignoring the value or importance of the positive parts of a situation Try reframing! My manager complimented me on fixing that bug, but anyone could have done it. She was probably just trying to be nice. “I did good today. My contributions are valuable to the team, and my manager wants me to be aware of that.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
26. Mind Reading Reading too far into what others may be thinking; assuming you are right about their thoughts even though you don’t know what factors are influencing their thoughts and feelings Try reframing! David left so many comments on my PR. He must think I’m so stupid. “I feel self-conscious about the fact that David had so many suggestions for my PR, but he’s only trying to help me improve. He has complimented me on my work before. I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m stupid.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
27. Overgeneralization Drawing broad conclusions based on little evidence; assuming that one bad experiences means all similar experiences will always be bad; categorized by words like “always”, “never” etc…. Try reframing! Oh no! I got asked to give a demo. That NEVER goes well, I ALWAYS mess it up. “I get nervous doing demos and so I’ve struggled with them in the past, but this time I have a chance to make sure I’m prepared.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
28. Self-Blaming Believing that you are solely responsible for a negative situation, even when there are factors outside your control Try reframing! A bug I introduced caused our entire app to crash. It’s all my fault. “Even though I wrote the code that introduced this bug, my coworkers also tested and approved it without catching it. This isn’t all on me. We succeed or fail as a team.” Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
29. I’m proud of you 💚 (and all your mistakes) Refactr.Tech ‘22 / / @jameybash
30. CREDITS: This presentation template was created by Slidesgo, including icons by Flaticon, and infographics & images by Freepik. jameybash.com jameybash@gmail.com twitter.com/jameybash Thanks for listening!