Plays Well With Others: How to Stop Being a Jerk Today

Society acts as though jerks are incapable of changing their bad behavior, as though somebody called .freeze on them. We devise all kinds of strategies for avoiding or placating them, even at the expense of others' happiness.

What if it didn't have to be that way?

This talk approaches jerks as the mutable objects all people are. If you think you might be a jerk, or if you're looking for a new approach to the jerks in your life, this talk is for you! It covers what makes a jerk and what the positive alternative looks like. You'll learn a framework for defusing negative urges, holding yourself accountable, and transforming your behavior in a variety of situations, such as meetings, disagreements, or when things go wrong.

Presented at RailsConf 2019.

Transcript

1. Plays Well with Others Plays Well with Others How to Stop Being a Jerk Today How to Stop Being a Jerk Today Jesse Belanger (@j_belang) Jesse Belanger (@j_belang) 1
2. Hi, I'm Jesse 2
3. Hi, I'm Jesse I'm a software engineer at ezCater 2
8. And I have a confession... 7
9. And I have a confession... I've been a jerk. 7
10. And I have a confession... I've been a jerk. I bet I still act like a jerk sometimes. 7
11. And I have a confession... I've been a jerk. I bet I still act like a jerk sometimes. This is something I work on every day in some way. 7
12. What does it mean to be a jerk, anyway? What does it mean to be a jerk, anyway? 8
14. “An asshole is someone who leaves us feeling demeaned, de-energized, disrespected, and/or oppressed. In other words, someone who makes you feel like dirt.” - Robert Sutton 10
15. You You act act like a jerk at a specific moment in time. like a jerk at a specific moment in time. Whether or not you're perceived to Whether or not you're perceived to be be a jerk is the moving average of your a jerk is the moving average of your behavior over time. behavior over time. 11
16. Jerks are people whose patterns of behavior bring down Jerks are people whose patterns of behavior bring down the energy, confidence, and morale of those around them. the energy, confidence, and morale of those around them. 12
17. patterns of behavior patterns of behavior What do those look like? What do those look like? 13
18. Monopolizing conversations Dismissing others' opinions Being destructively critical Refusing compromise Throwing tantrums Hurling insults Poor listening Condescending Casting blame Interrupting Humiliating Sabotaging Yelling 14
19. All of those anti-patterns are All of those anti-patterns are optional optional reactions. reactions. 15
20. A New Pattern A New Pattern 16
21. We know the Arrange, Act, Assert (AAA) pattern for unit We know the Arrange, Act, Assert (AAA) pattern for unit tests tests # Arrange rails_conf = create(:rails_conf, year: 2019) location = "Minneapolis" # Act rails_conf.update(location: location) # Assert expect(rails_conf.weather) to eq "Snow" 17
22. Let's try the Introspect, Interact, Iterate pattern for social Let's try the Introspect, Interact, Iterate pattern for social behaviors behaviors 18
23. Introspect Introspect 19
24. Introspect Introspect Identify your emotions and motives 19
25. Introspect Introspect Suspend your ego Identify your emotions and motives 19
26. Introspect Introspect Embrace Empathy Identify your emotions and motives Suspend your ego 19
27. Interact Interact 20
28. Interact Interact Activate active listening 20
29. Interact Interact Keep it collaborative Activate active listening 20
30. Interact Interact Check your execution Activate active listening Keep it collaborative 20
31. Iterate Iterate 21
32. Iterate Iterate Self reflect 21
33. Iterate Iterate Solicit feedback Self reflect 21
34. Iterate Iterate Room to improve? Own it. Self reflect Solicit feedback 21
35. What does this look like in practice? What does this look like in practice? 22
36. Let's look at some common scenarios: Let's look at some common scenarios: 1. Meetings 2. Disagreements 3. Code Review 4. Mishaps 23
37. Meetings Meetings 24
38. Meetings Meetings Introspect Introspect What's the purpose of the meeting and what's your role? What dysfunction do you usually bring to the table? 24
39. Meetings Meetings Interact Interact Listen to and build on others' thoughts Make room for all voices (especially marginalized voices) Introspect Introspect What's the purpose of the meeting and what's your role? What dysfunction do you usually bring to the table? 24
40. Meetings Meetings Iterate Iterate How do you think that meeting felt to others? Tried it? Track it. Introspect Introspect What's the purpose of the meeting and what's your role? What dysfunction do you usually bring to the table? Interact Interact Listen to and build on others' thoughts Make room for all voices (especially marginalized voices) 24
41. Disagreements Disagreements 25
42. Disagreements Disagreements Introspect Introspect What's your gut reaction to being challenged? Remind yourself it's okay to be wrong Where might the opposing view be coming from? 25
43. Disagreements Disagreements Interact Interact Identify the problem you're trying to solve and what you value Find something to agree on Ask questions (and listen to the answers) Build a solution together Introspect Introspect What's your gut reaction to being challenged? Remind yourself it's okay to be wrong Where might the opposing view be coming from? 25
44. Disagreements Disagreements Iterate Iterate Did you lose your cool? Did you arrive at a solution you can commit to? Introspect Introspect What's your gut reaction to being challenged? Remind yourself it's okay to be wrong Where might the opposing view be coming from? Interact Interact Identify the problem you're trying to solve and what you value Find something to agree on Ask questions (and listen to the answers) Build a solution together 25
45. Code Review Code Review 26
46. Code Review Code Review Introspect Introspect Why does your team do code review? Remember that code review is a place for learning 26
47. Code Review Code Review Interact Interact When giving the review: When giving the review: Ask questions rather than issuing commands Help to make the code better, not the exact code you'd have written When receiving the review: When receiving the review: Good suggestions are a gift Assume positive intent Introspect Introspect Why does your team do code review? Remember that code review is a place for learning 26
48. Code Review Code Review Iterate Iterate Don't be afraid to reach out IRL Introspect Introspect Why does your team do code review? Remember that code review is a place for learning Interact Interact When giving the review: When giving the review: Ask questions rather than issuing commands Help to make the code better, not the exact code you'd have written When receiving the review: When receiving the review: Good suggestions are a gift Assume positive intent 26
49. Mishaps Mishaps 27
50. Mishaps Mishaps Introspect Introspect Breathe Remember that mistakes are natural and inevitable 27
51. Mishaps Mishaps Interact Interact Focus on the facts Find a solution, not a scapegoat Introspect Introspect Breathe Remember that mistakes are natural and inevitable 27
52. Mishaps Mishaps Iterate Iterate Identify lessons learned Are you able to move on? Introspect Introspect Breathe Remember that mistakes are natural and inevitable Interact Interact Focus on the facts Find a solution, not a scapegoat 27
53. Where do I begin? Where do I begin? 28
54. Find your direction with self-awareness Find your direction with self-awareness & & Power up on a genuine desire to change Power up on a genuine desire to change 29
55. (Peers and managers, you can create the conditions to make that last bit easier) (Peers and managers, you can create the conditions to make that last bit easier) 30
56. Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit 31
57. Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Review this intention regularly Review this intention regularly 31
58. Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Review this intention regularly Review this intention regularly Identify hooks to support new behavior Identify hooks to support new behavior 31
59. Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Then, pick one behavior and replace it with a new habit Review this intention regularly Review this intention regularly Identify hooks to support new behavior Identify hooks to support new behavior Track and assess your progress Track and assess your progress 31
60. Get help if you need it Get help if you need it 32
61. Get help if you need it Get help if you need it Solicit feedback from your peers, Solicit feedback from your peers, 32
62. Get help if you need it Get help if you need it Solicit feedback from your peers, Solicit feedback from your peers, your manager, your manager, 32
63. Get help if you need it Get help if you need it Solicit feedback from your peers, Solicit feedback from your peers, your manager, your manager, or recruit an accountabili-buddy. or recruit an accountabili-buddy. 32
64. Keep up the good work Keep up the good work 33
65. Keep up the good work Keep up the good work Tackle the next one! Tackle the next one! 33
66. Keep up the good work Keep up the good work Tackle the next one! Tackle the next one! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! 33
67. Keep up the good work Keep up the good work Tackle the next one! Tackle the next one! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! Try it out at home! Try it out at home! 33
68. Keep up the good work Keep up the good work Tackle the next one! Tackle the next one! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! Stay vigilant as risk factors (especially power dynamics) change! Try it out at home! Try it out at home! Teach someone else! Teach someone else! 33
69. Thank you! Thank you! 34
70. Thank you! Thank you! Food for Thought: Food for Thought: Tools to research: Active Listening, Tools to research: Active Listening, , Four Part Apology, Five Whys , Four Part Apology, Five Whys by Tom Butler-Bowdon by Tom Butler-Bowdon by Dale Carnegie by Dale Carnegie by Jennifer Riel, Roger L Martin by Jennifer Riel, Roger L Martin by Robert Sutton by Robert Sutton Conversation Timers Conversation Timers 50 Philosophy Classics 50 Philosophy Classics How to Win Friends and Influence People How to Win Friends and Influence People Creating Great Choices Creating Great Choices The No Asshole Rule The No Asshole Rule 34