Conflict Resolution for People Who Hate Conflict

Transcript

1. © Copyright 2017 Pivotal Software, Inc. All rights Reserved. Version 1.0 November 14, 2018 Joshua Mauldin, Designer @ Pivotal Labs LA Conflict Resolution for People Who Hate Conflict
2. Let’s talk about conflict 1. Preparing for the conversation 2. Having the conversation 3. What to do if/when it goes wrong
4. Conflict strengthens you, your team, and the products you build.
5. What this isn’t • A way to manipulate others • A guaranteed way of “winning” • A paint-by-numbers approach
6. Part One Preparing for the conversation
8. “Don't assume bad intentions over neglect and misunderstanding.”
9. The sliding scale of how many you give Not at all Meh So much
10. Do an accusation audit • Good for more serious conversations • Lists all the negative things someone could say • Helps take the sting out of a potentially sticky situation
11. Separate facts from stories Facts • Observable, objective Stories • Your interpretation of those facts ◦ How it made you feel ◦ How it impacted you
12. My teammate sneakily went around me and committed us to a design I didn’t make. They’re constantly adding me to meetings without consulting me or my schedule. They micromanage my tasks and always tell me what to do.
13. My teammate sneakily went around me and committed us to a design I didn’t make. They’re constantly adding me to meetings without consulting me or my schedule. They micromanage my tasks and always tell me what to do.
14. Is this a pattern? • If it is a pattern, you’ll have a stronger case • Be prepared to go into 2-3 examples of this
15. Establish your goals • This is your guiding principle • Write it down • If you’re new to this, take it into the conversation with you
16. Recap • Where are you on the sliding scale? • What stories am I telling? • What’s the accusation audit say? • Separate facts from stories • Is it a pattern? • What are your goals?
17. Part Two Having the conversation
18. Leading off • Ask for permission to have the conversation ◦ “Is this a bad time?” • Optional: use something from your accusation audit ◦ “You’re going to say…” • Start with the facts
20. Tell your story • Talk about how it affected you or the conclusions you drew • Avoid judgements • Speak tentatively to guard against defensiveness ◦ “It seems like…” or “It looks like…” • Don’t mistake this for beating around the bush or watering down what you want to say: this is about deterring defensiveness
21. Ask for their input • Lets them respond to your argument • Use open-ended questions
22. Ask for their input Closed questions: not so good • Isn’t that the case? • Am I wrong? • Does that makes sense? • What can we do to ensure this never happens again? • Why did you do that? Open-ended questions: good • How do you see it? • What are your thoughts? • Can you help me understand? • What might I be missing here?
23. Ask for their input • Lets them respond to your argument • Use open-ended questions • Avoid “why,” use “what” and “how”
25. Mirroring • Refined approach to active listening • Repeats the last word of phrases from their statement
26. Labeling • A summary of what they just said • Fosters empathy and clarity
27. What if they come to you first? • Do not tell them to calm down • Use mirrors and labels • Talk about the sliding scale • “How am I supposed to do that?” ◦ Let them figure it out for you
28. Recap: having the conversation • Empower both of you to have this conversation • Lead with the facts, then tell your story • Ask for their input • Mirror and label • “How am I supposed to do that?”
29. Part Three OMG it’s going up in flames
31. Safety check Signs someone may not be feeling safe • Withdrawing, terse responses • Abrasive, yelling • Shaking/trembling
32. Use contrasting statements • Refocuses and helps conversation get back on track • “I’m not saying X, I’m saying Y”
33. Establish a mutual purpose • We all want the same thing • My definition of good might differ from yours • “Don’t cross the streams!”
34. Help, it’s still not working! • Know going into it that your conversation might fail • It’s okay to walk away • Deliver a tough message
35. Recap: OMG it’s going up in flames • Look for when safety is at risk • Use contrasting statements • “How am I supposed to do that?” • If they refuse to help resolve the issue, it’s time to get others involved • Sometimes you have to deliver a tough message, but make it your last resort • Remember you’re a badass for doing this!
36. Epilogue Helpful resources
37. Helpful resources • Never Split the Difference • Crucial Conversations • The best teams thrive on disagreement
38. Let’s keep in touch! • @joshuamauldin on Twitter • My website Other places to keep the conversation going: • LAUX Slack • @LAUX on Twitter
39. Thanks! Questions?