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Introduction to nonviolent communication

Introduction to nonviolent communication

This talk is an introduction to nonviolent communication. NVC is a process for communication that helps focus on empathy for self and for others by authentic self-expression. I'll give a somewhat theoretical overview of the process with a focus on communication in the workplace.

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Gavin van Lelyveld

October 02, 2014
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  1. Introduction to Nonviolent communication It’s me, Gav

  2. Questions? Questions? Anytime Anytime (please!) (please!)

  3. What is NVC then?

  4. Self empathy Self empathy Empathy for others Empathy for others

    Honest self-expression Honest self-expression A communication process
  5. Understanding our triggers Understanding our triggers Taking responsibility Taking responsibility

    Deepening connections Deepening connections A set of tools
  6. A radical change A radical change in our thinking in

    our thinking Hopefully…
  7. All human beings All human beings are compassionate are compassionate

    Underlying this
  8. Our actions are Our actions are needs seeking to needs

    seeking to be met be met Underlying this
  9. Dr. Marshall B. Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg Rosenberg Developed by

  10. 1. Introduction 2. The Components of NVC 3. FAQ 4.

    Empathy towards others 5. Empathy towards self
  11. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  12. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When you arrived late I felt frustrated Because I need cooperation Could you please arrive on time next week ?
  13. Observation of Facts What happened When

  14. Observation of Facts Free of judgment Or our own interpretation

  15. Observation of Facts For example: Saying “you are a procrastinator”

    would be a judgment…
  16. Observation of Facts …but saying “you only started on it

    the day it was due” might elicit agreement.
  17. Observation of Facts The hearer is Less likely to jump

    to respond and may be open to hearing Our needs & feelings By removing evaluation
  18. Observation of Facts We needn't be totally objective As long

    as we separate our observations and our evaluations.
  19. Observation of Facts A few examples Evaluation mixed in Observation

    separated She's not going to finish the task on time. I don't think she'll finish on time. He is lazy. Both times I walked by today he was not working. You are always busy. You didn't have available time to meet with me this week.
  20. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a

    field. I'll meet you there. - Rumi
  21. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  22. Expression of Feelings Feelings represent emotions associated with our met

    or unmet needs.
  23. Expression of Feelings Identify and connect with the feelings we

    experience.
  24. Expression of Feelings We attempt to avoid using our words

    to describe somebody's behaviour.
  25. Expression of Feelings For example: “I feel lonely” expresses an

    inner experience…
  26. Expression of Feelings …“I feel like you're avoiding me” is

    an interpretation.
  27. Expression of Feelings Expressing our feelings in a non-interpretive way

    means we take responsibility for our experiences.
  28. Expression of Feelings Others will be less likely to hear

    criticism, and will be more open to our needs.
  29. Expression of Feelings In English “I Feel” Is often a

    substitute for “I Think”.
  30. Expression of Feelings I feel my colleague is manipulative. I

    feel like a failure.
  31. Expression of Feelings I feel unimportant at work. I feel

    discouraged at work.
  32. Expression of Feelings I feel ignored by my boss.

  33. Expression of Feelings I feel relieved that my boss ignored

    me today I got some work done!
  34. When our needs are satisfied Compassionate Sympathetic Empowered Proud Secure

    Grateful Appreciative Touched Calm Content Relieved Satisfied Hopeful Expectant Optimistic Excited Amazed Invigorated Absorbed Alert Fascinated Intrigued Exhilarated Elated Thrilled Refreshed Renewed (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication - https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory
  35. When our needs are not satisfied Apprehensive Dread Wary Worried

    Confused Ambivalent Perplexed Torn Annoyed Dismayed Disgruntled Irritated Angry Furious Irate Resentful Contempt Disgust Hate Repulsed Bored Indifferent Distracted Agitated Alarmed Troubled Tense Anxious Nervous Stressed Out Insecure Envious Jealous (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication - https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory
  36. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  37. Identification of Needs Our needs represent our values, our desires.

  38. Identification of Needs By connecting with our needs we become

    more aware that human beings share similar needs.
  39. Identification of Needs The key to identifying needs is to

    focus on words describing shared experience…
  40. Identification of Needs …instead of describing strategies for meeting those

    needs.
  41. Identification of Needs For example: “I want to be involved

    in that meeting” Expresses a strategy. While the underlying need might be for cooperation, inclusion or ???
  42. Identification of Needs Feelings arise from our met or unmet

    needs, but are not caused by the trigger.
  43. Identification of Needs needs intensity personal development Physiological needs Safety

    needs Love / belonging Esteem Self-actualization Dynamic hierarchy of needs of Abraham Maslow referring to Krech, D./Crutchfield, R. S./Ballachey, E. L. (1962), Individual in society, Tokyo etc. 1962, S. 77 Dynamic hierarchy of needs by Philipp Guttmann is licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0
  44. A needs inventory Acceptance Appreciation Cooperation Consideration Compassion Inclusion Respect

    Support Safety Security Stability To understand To be understood Trust Authenticity Integrity Humour Community Equality Harmony Inspiration Order Autonomy Choice Freedom Independence Space Spontaneity Shelter Touch Food Air (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication - https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
  45. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  46. Request for Action This is where we take a step

    toward having our needs met.
  47. Request for Action We express a specific action that we

    think will lead to this…
  48. Request for Action …and check if others are willing to

    cooperate.
  49. Request for Action A request might sound like: “Would you

    be willing to arrive by 9:30?”
  50. Request for Action It is our connection with others that

    determines the quality of their response.
  51. Request for Action Often we will make a number of

    “connection requests” before moving to a “solution request.”
  52. Request for Action For our solution request “Would you be

    willing to arrive by 9:30?” …
  53. Request for Action …we might have to first ask: “How

    do you feel about coming in earlier?”
  54. Request for Action Key is the willingness to hear “no”…

  55. Request for Action Others will know whether we are making

    a demand or a request by our response to “no”.
  56. Request for Action A denied demand has a punitive response…

  57. Request for Action A denied request can lead to further

    dialogue.
  58. Request for Action A “no” is an expression of some

    need preventing a “yes”.
  59. Request for Action Practising NVC won't necessarily lead to our

    requests being met…
  60. Request for Action But realistic requests over time will build

    an atmosphere of trust and goodwill.
  61. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  62. 1. Introduction 2. The Components of NVC 3. FAQ 4.

    Empathy towards others 5. Empathy towards self
  63. FAQ “frequently”

  64. Have you met people? They're assholes!

  65. People behave like assholes As a strategy for meeting their

    needs.
  66. Do I have to teach others NVC first?

  67. Do I have to teach others NVC first? I don't

    think so.
  68. Our requests for connection Help others express their emotions and

    needs.
  69. I’ve seen you behave rather non-non-violently

  70. I’m sure! Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and need help and understanding

    I’ve seen you behave rather non-non-violently
  71. Questions? Questions?

  72. 1. Introduction 2. The Components of NVC 3. FAQ 4.

    Empathy towards others 5. Empathy towards self
  73. Empathy towards Others So far we have focussed on our

    own observations, feelings, needs & requests…
  74. Empathy towards Others … the second part is empathically connecting

    with others.
  75. Empathy towards Others We use the 4 components in the

    form of a question.
  76. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When you ___ Are you feeling ____ Because you need ___ And would like ___ ?
  77. Empathy towards Others We needn't verbalise every component…

  78. Empathy towards Others We needn't verbalise every component… Silence is

    ok.
  79. Empathy towards Others But verbalising is crucial during conflict.

  80. Empathy towards Others We don't need to sacrifice our own

    needs.
  81. Empathy towards Others Find strategies to meet everyone's needs.

  82. Empathy towards Others Sometimes the person simply needs understanding.

  83. Empathy towards Others Our reflection may also bring clarity to

    their feelings and needs…
  84. Empathy towards Others …and continue the discussion (or conflict.)

  85. Empathy towards Others Needs and feelings may shift as they

    are addressed, revealing further underlying needs.
  86. Empathy towards Others Connecting with empathy can lead to creative

    solutions.
  87. Questions? Questions?

  88. 1. Introduction 2. The Components of NVC 3. FAQ 4.

    Empathy towards others 5. Empathy towards self
  89. Empathy towards Self We nurture the same level of empathy

    and awareness towards ourselves.
  90. Observation of Facts Identification of Needs Request for Action Expression

    of Feelings When ___ happened I felt ____ Because I need ___ Could you please ___ ?
  91. You haven’t been sleeping nearly enough lately. I’m exhausted and

    a little worried about your mental health. I need sleep to live and I don’t want you to be grumpy at work. Could you try to do less stuff for a bit? A personal example
  92. I can’t promise that I can do that, but I

    will make a list of the stuff I am doing and prioritise it and we can see if anything can be put on hold. A personal example
  93. Empathy towards Self This self-compassion supports our compassion towards others.

  94. Empathy towards Self Your past or present may make this

    difficult…
  95. Empathy towards Self You may be reluctant to be present,

    to be attuned to ourselves and others with empathy.
  96. Empathy towards Self Self-empathy can help resolve our inner conflict

    and leave us free to hear the needs of others.
  97. Questions? Observations? Thank you