Cat-DNS: a DNS server that resolves everything to cats

The internet needs more cats. DNS servers are the authority on all things internet. Therefore, the best DNS server is the one that resolves everything to cats. This talk is about DNS servers: how they work, how your browser talks to them, and how to write a DNS server that always gives you a cat in less than 200 lines of JavaScript.

Transcript

1. MORE CATS THE INTERNET NEEDS
2. I’M MONICA @NOTWALDORF
3. DNS DOMEOWN NAME SYSTEM
4. DNS WWW.GOOGLE.COM == 74.125.226.134
5. CAT-DNS WWW.GOOGLE.COM == CATS? CATS!!
7. HOW DO IT DO IT
8. UDP USER DATAGRAM PROTOCOL
9. UDP “THE HONEY BADGER OF THE INTERNET PROTOCOLS”
10. UDP PORT 53
11. DNS QUERIES
12. WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM ? RECURSIVE NAME SERVER: YOU: HOLD ON. I’LL FIND OUT FOR YOU.
13. WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM ? ROOT SERVER: RECURSIVE NAME SERVER: NOPE. TRY THE .COM SERVER.
14. WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM ? .COM SERVER: NOPE. TRY THE GOOGLE SERVER. RECURSIVE NAME SERVER:
15. WWW.IMAGES.GOOGLE.COM ? GOOGLE SERVER: I GOT IT! IT’S 74.125.226.135 RECURSIVE NAME SERVER:
16. DNS MESSAGES 1987 RFCS ARE PAINFUL RFCS
17. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 QR OPCODE AA TC RD RA RCODE
18. LET’S TALK ABOUT TOOLS
19. NSLOOKUP NSLOOKUP GOOGLE.COM
22. WIRESHARK ———
27. SURPRISE PENGUINS!
28. ᕕ ( ᐛ ) ᕗ FINALLY, THE CODES!
29. “I'LL OFTEN DROP DOWN TO NODE.JS IF I REALLY NEED TO BE CLOSE TO THE METAL” - SOME DUDE ON HACKER NEWS
30. require(‘node-bitarray’) ! require(‘buffer’).Buffer ! require(‘dgram’) ! require(‘ip’)
31. var dnsServer = dgram.createSocket('udp4'); dnsServer.bind(53,'localhost'); ! dnsServer.on('message', function (msg, rinfo) { ! // Step 1. Parse message. // Step 2. Make answer, echoing the question // Step 3. ??? // Step 4. CATS. ! dnsServer.send(…); } ! dnsServer.on("listening", function () { if (process.getuid && process.setuid) process.setuid(501); // Default user. }
32. var dnsServer = dgram.createSocket('udp4'); dnsServer.bind(53,'localhost'); ! dnsServer.on('message', function (msg, rinfo) { ! // Step 1. Parse message. // Step 2. Make answer, echoing the question // Step 3. ??? // Step 4. CATS. ! dnsServer.send(…); } ! dnsServer.on("listening", function () { if (process.getuid && process.setuid) process.setuid(501); // Default user. }
33. var dnsServer = dgram.createSocket('udp4'); dnsServer.bind(53,'localhost'); ! dnsServer.on('message', function (msg, rinfo) { ! // Step 1. Parse message. // Step 2. Make answer, echoing the question // Step 3. ??? // Step 4. CATS. ! dnsServer.send(…); } ! dnsServer.on("listening", function () { if (process.getuid && process.setuid) process.setuid(501); // Default user. }
34. IMGUR OR: HOW WE ARE AUTHORITATIVE ABOUT CATS
35. CAT-DNS, ENGAGE
36. INSTA-REGRETS
37. LESSONS LEARNED
38. BAD DNS IS SLOW CHERISH 8.8.8.8
39. OPEN SOURCE THE INTERNET IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
40. CAT SERVICE THE INTERNET IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
41. PULL REQUESTS THE INTERNET IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE
42. “CAT-DNS BEHAVES LIKE AN AUTHORITATIVE NAME SERVER, BUT DOES NOT SET THE AA BIT. SURELY CAT-DNS IS AUTHORITATIVE ABOUT CATS IN DNS.” ———
43. =^. .^= @NOTWALDORF