How To Properly Allocate The F*cks You Give - iOSDevUK, Aberystwyth, Wales, September 2018

WARNING: Exceptionally foul language. Well, not that exceptional for me, but probably for most presentations on this site.

Abstract:

📣 If you are offended by wildly improper language, you probably ought to have stopped reading after the talk title, but you should use this talk as an excuse to go get some proper coffee or tea whilst Ellen swears at everyone...and also not read the rest of this description. 📣

We've all seen the memes of a person gleefully gesturing in the direction of the fucks they don't give, and the self-help books about how not to give a fuck. But what if the true challenge was not how to not give a fuck, but how to properly allocate the fucks that you do give? Ellen will talk about her lifelong challenge with over-allocation of fucks, the temptation to give zero fucks whatsoever, and some thoughts and techniques she's been using to balance what fucks to give.

Transcript

1. COURTESY SLIDE ! WITHOUT CURSING
4. FUCK YEAH!
5. HOW TO PROPERLY ALLOCATE THE FUCKS YOU GIVE IOSDEVUK | ABERYSTWYTH, WALES | SEPTEMBER 2018 BAKKENBAECK.NO | JUSTHUM.COM | @DESIGNATEDNERD
7. Source: http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm
8. WHAT IS A FUCK?
9. Illustration by NASA
10. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
18. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
19. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I DON'T CARE
20. GIVING A FUCK = CARING
21. NOT GIVING A FUCK VS. NOT GIVING A SHIT
22. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT"
23. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT" "I DON'T CARE
24. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT" "I DON'T CARE, NOR SHOULD I."
25. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I DON'T CARE EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD
26. WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT?
29. ! SHAMELESS PLUG BAKKENBAECK.COM
36. MARGINALLY INSANE ! METAPHOR ALERT
37. A FUCK IS A POINTER TO SOMETHING YOU CARE ABOUT
38. [fuck autorelease]
39. [fuck autorelease] DOES NOT EXIST
40. [fuck retain]
41. [fuck release]
52. SPOILER ALERT!
54. NOT GIVING ANY FUCKS JUST MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE
55. NOT GIVING ANY FUCKS JUST MAKES YOU AN ARSEHOLE
57. !
58. PRIORITISE THE FUCKS YOU GIVE
59. CODE REVIEW
60. QUALITY OF CODE VS. BEING RIGHT
61. QUALITY OF CODE VS. BEING RIGHT
62. QUALITY OF CODE VS. SHIPPING
63. QUALITY OF CODE VS. SHIPPING
64. COMMUNICATION OF FRUSTRATION
68. !
83. FUCK OVERFLOW
84. ! BURNOUT
85. FUCK OVERFLOW
86. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() // Dispose of resources that can be recreated. } }
87. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() print("Welp, we're fucked") } }
88. class ViewController: UIViewController { var enormousChunkOfData: Data? func didReceiveMemoryWarning() { super.didReceiveMemoryWarning() self.enormousChunkOfData = nil } }
89. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { } }
90. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() } }
91. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() self.fucksGiven.removeAll() } }
92. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() // self.fucksGiven.removeAll() } }
93. class You: Human { var fucksGiven = [Fuck]() func didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() { super.didGetIncrediblyStressedOut() // self.fucksGiven.removeAll() self.fucksGiven.remove(where: { !$0.isCritical }) } }
94. GUARDING AGAINST FUCK OVERFLOW
95. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED TO DO
97. KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED TO DO
98. RE-EVALUATE THE PRIORITIZATION OF FUCKS GIVEN
99. HOW DO I ACTUALLY SPEND MY TIME?
100. HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME?
102. HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME?
103. [fuck release]
104. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸
105. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about
106. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable arsehole
107. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable arsehole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout)
108. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable arsehole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout) ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently
109. FUCKING OBLIGATORY SUMMARY SLIDE ▸ Consider a fuck given a pointer to something you care about ▸ Not giving any fucks just makes you an insufferable arsehole ▸ Giving too many fucks will lead to Fuck Overflow (aka burnout) ▸ Fucks must be manually managed, and re-evaluated frequently ▸ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck
110. THANKS A FUCKING LOT!
111. LINKS! The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck The Number of Fucks in Deadwood http://www.thewvsr.com/deadwood.htm