Ways to Fail

Every year at our new student orientation, I used to give this talk to our first year students. Instead of telling them what they should do to achieve success, we thought it would be more effective and humourous to tell them instead how best to fail your courses. This was the last version of this talk from 2017.

Transcript

1. 17 WAYS TO FAIL YOUR COURSES
2. #17 BE HUNG OVER FOR 8AM EXAMS
3. #16 LET STRESS MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL
4. #15 SLEEP TO 11AM MOST DAYS
5. #14 HAVE A DEMANDING AND TIME-CONSUMING GIRLFRIEND AND/OR BOYFRIEND
6. #13 RESPOND TO EVERY SINGLE TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVE IN A LECTURE
7. #12 SPEND $100s PURCHASING YOUR TEXTBOOKS, … BUT DON’T BOTHER READING THEM! DON’T WORRY, YOU’LL MAKE SOME OF YOUR MONEY BACK RESELLING THEM AFTER YOU WITHDRAW
8. #11 BELIEVING THIS …
9. #10 EXPECT UNIVERSITY TO BE EASY AREN’T COMPUTERS ALL ABOUT BROWSING, GAMING, AND SOCIAL MEDIA?
10. BE IGNORANT OF THE DUE DATES IN ALL OF YOUR COURSES IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE DUE DATES, YOU CAN ALWAYS BLAME THE PROFESSOR. #9
11. #8 OBTAIN THE NIGHTMARE'S FINALLY OVER ACHIEVMENT IN RESIDENT EVIL 7 THE NIGHT BEFORE YOUR EXAMS
12. ALWAYS USE THE FULL POWER OF YOUR LAPTOP IN CLASS #7
13. EXPECT EXPLICIT DIRECTIONS FOR SOLVING EVERY PROBLEM #6
14. WORK 40+ HOURS A WEEK AT YOUR “PART-TIME” JOB WHILE TAKING A FULL-COURSE LOAD #5
15. NEVER ASK THE PROFESSOR TO RE-EXPLAIN SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON’T DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF, HE/SHE MIGHT FORGET TO TEST YOU #4
16. GET YOUR CLASSMATES TO DO YOUR ASSIGNMENT WORK FOR YOU YOUR PROFESSOR MIGHT LET THEM SHARE YOUR SEAT DURING THE FINAL EXAM #3
17. WAIT UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE THE DUE DATE TO START AN ASSIGNMENT OR STUDY FOR AN EXAM #2
18. AND THE #1 WAY TO FAIL IS …
19. NEVER OR RARELY ATTEND CLASS. #1 YOU HAVE MUCH BETTER THINGS TO BE DOING WITH YOUR TIME…
20. IT’S YOUR TURN NOW TO DECIDE YOUR OWN PATH TO SUCCESS OR FAILURE … GOOD LUCK! THANK YOU!