Topic 1 - Disciplining Without Guilt

Transcript

1. Disciplining without Guilt
2. Discipline means ‘to learn’ it requires that kids • Hear the reasoning behind the rules • Receive the ‘message’ as well as the words • Be supported to learn in steps and stages • Be encouraged through mistakes • Be conscious of using their abilities/strengths • Be acknowledged with what works
3. Disciplining is a disciplined process It requires parents • Know the right path and why it is important • Have some structure/supports for kids to stay on the road • Develop their skills as thoughtful drivers • Be allowed to make mistakes to learn more • Be reflective about what helps and what hinders progress
4. Defense is inbuilt in us all All the ways kids/parents defend against what is hard/boring/frustrating/fearful/etc Delaying avoiding Detouring pretending you can’t see the task Denying its other people’s fault, not mine Distracting moving into what feels nicer ‘Don’t know’ being helpless We really need to talk about all this
5. Small problems- need you to be the mirror to the child (or self!)- ENQUIRE Useful language…. • ‘is that a problem’ • ‘is that hard for you’ • ‘are you doing the really right thing, or the nearly right thing’ • ‘are you on track of off it’ • ‘Is there a reason for what you just did’ • ‘is a feeling getting in the way of you doing the right thing’ ‘is that a problem’
6. Medium problems need more input They might need more…. • Planning ahead – together with not for your child • Sorting out what obstacles are there, especially figuring out feelings under the ‘dont wants’ • Seeking solutions from what others do or being creative about solutions that involve waht to say, how to think that helps, even silly solutions • Create visuals so you wont always be the policeman, so they are less reliant on your words and reminders and using more ‘help yourself’ • Even allowing the ‘worst’ to happen – letting natural consequences occur and then really thinking about whether it was worth it!
7. Big problems need very clear consequences • Given with empathic care • Understanding that the kid is still learning • And that error is human If punishment is too big it can reduce risk taking! If physical be clear, calm and controlled (+ kind) If you take away things – keep timelines real If you add things you are on to a winner….. (efforts, sorry letters, extra care, etc)
8. Consequences can be collaborative Punishment intends us to feel bad and wrong - creating guilt and shame (which don’t drive us towards our best selves) Consequences are simply ‘what happens when you….’ –carelessness requires more care Make a triangle, put the worst at the top, medium means below and small inconveniences beneath – work it out ahead of time. Be inventive!
9. Parenting is personal • We can only be the person/parent we are, or saw, or the opposite – there are not multiple options • But we can make small adjustments to ourselves as people – your kids need to see your humanity not just your power • Be open to the ways you err and teach self- regulation, self-managing & self soothing Work on the relationship not just on being right
10. Three types of parenting • Authoritarian – do what I say or else • Liberal – do what you like • Authoratative – clear, thoughtfully shared rules linked to our family values. Useful boundaries and appreciation when kids stay within them. Understanding how following rules creates ‘flow’ and harmony (increasing connectiveness) and aiming to honor one another in the process. Small lapses are seen as opportunities for learning.
11. Parenting is a long process • We have time! 20 years!! • Aiming for ‘fix’ we often feel things are ‘unfair’ and that makes us look for someone to be at fault! Kids who blame have parents who have created a blame culture….oh dear • Aiming to acknowledge feelings, and figuring out ways to deal with them reaches ‘feel better’ (which can be more important than fix) Focus on the PROCESS not the outcome
12. Problem solve together • What is the problem situation • What do people think/feel about it • What do they already know about dealing with it • What do others do • What is a new solution • What could you say • What strength could you add to this • How could you sooth yourself • Try one of these – and reflect later what worked
13. BE AWARE • Turn attention to self in moments of difficulty • Switch from focusing on what people do to why they do it • What motivations could be encouraged to move things in a better direction • Know that anger needs patience, fear needs courage, worry needs us to face the worst and disappointment needs hopeful attitudes
14. BE ACCEPTING • Even adults are self-protective beings who feel threat and sometimes act without thinking • It is the care in you that makes you reactive, allow yourself this and explain it • All around the world parents have good intentions and dodgy follow-through! • Children, are made like us, they still forming and need failure to thrive There are no perfect parents
15. BE KIND • Quiet the para-sympathetic system with a pause, breath, calm the body • Counter-balance the critic in your head with comfort, patience more than perfection • Support your emotional self – oxygen mask on the adult first!!! Use soothing self talk (as though you were your own best friend) before you talk to your kids
16. Finally… • Punishment produces shame – (which gets in the way of future endeavors, commitment and risk taking) • There is a huge difference between I DID wrong (guilt) which can drive us to do better, and I AM wrong, shame, which deters us from trying • Praise should be specific and focus on HOW the child is doing a task, not HOW WELL – to be useful it needs limits and self-assessment is as helpful as giving praise.