JavaScript is Literature is JavaScript

Given at JS Conf, Amelia Island, Florida. May 29th 2013

Transcript

1. @angustweets JavaScript is Literature is JavaScript.
4. The Mother of all Code Reviews...
5. Excercise 1: fibonnaci numbers
6. Ernest Hemingway “All my life I've looked at JavaScript as though I were seeing it for the first time”
7. function fibonacci(size) { var first = 0, second = 1, next, count = 2; var result = [first, second]; if(size < 2) return "the request was made but it was not good" while(count++ < size) { next = first + second; first = second; second = next; result.push(next); } return result; }
8. William Shakespeare “So foul and fair a language I have not seen”
9. function theSeriesOfFIBONACCI(theSize) { //a CALCKULATION in two acts. //employ'ng the humourous logick of JAVA-SCRIPTE //Dramatis Personae... var theResult; //an ARRAY to contain THE NUMBERS var theCounter;//a NUMBER serv'nt to the FORLOOP
10. //ACT I: in which a ZERO is added for INITIATION //[ENTER: theResult] //Upon the noble list bestow a zero var theResult = [0];
11. //ACT II: a LOOP in which the final //TWO NUMBERS are QUEREED and SUMM'D //[ENTER: theCounter] //Commence at one and venture o'er the numbers for ( theCounter = 1; theCounter < theSize; theCounter++) { //By divination set adjoining members theResult[theCounter] = (theResult[theCounter-1] || 1) + theResult[Math.max(0, theCounter-2)]; }
12. //'Tis done, and here's the answer. return theResult; //[Exeunt] }
13. André Breton “The man who can't visualize a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot”
14. function Colette(umbrella) { var staircase = galleons = 0; var brigantines = 1, bassoon; var armada = [galleons, brigantines]; Array.prototype.embrace = [].push; while(2 + staircase++ < umbrella) { bassoon = galleons + brigantines; armada.embrace( brigantines = (galleons = brigantines, bassoon)); } return armada; }
15. Roberto Bolaño “We're programmers, but we do a good job hiding it”
16. function LeonardoPisanoBigollo(l) { if(l < 0) { return "I'd prefer not to respond."\ "(Although several replies occur to me)" } /**/ //Everything is getting complicated. for (vari=2,r=[0,1].slice(0,l); i<l;r.push(r[i-1]+r[i-2]),i++)
17. //Here are some other mathematicians. //Mostly it's just nonsense. rationalTheorists = ["Archimedes of Syracuse", "Pierre de Fermat (such margins, boys!)", "Srinivasa Ramanujan", "Rene Descartes", "Leonhard Euler", "Carl Gauss", "Johann Bernoulli", "Jacob Bernoulli", "Aryabhata", "Brahmagupta", "Bhaskara II", "Nilakantha Somayaji", "Omar Khayyám", "Muhammad ibn Mūsā al-Khwārizmī", "Bernhard Riemann", "Gottfried Leibniz", "Andrey Kolmogorov", "Euclid of Alexandria", "Jules Henri Poincaré", "Srinivasa Ramanujan", "Alexander Grothendieck (who could forget?)", "David Hilbert", "Alan Turing", "von Neumann", "Kurt Godel", "Joseph-Louis Lagrange", "Georg Cantor", "William Rowan Hamilton", "Carl Jacobi", "Évariste Galois", "Nikolay Lobachevsky", "Rene Descartes", "Joseph Fourier", "Pierre-Simon Laplace", "Alonzo Church", "Nikolay Bogolyubov"]
18. //I didn't understand any of this, //but here it is anyway. return r /**/ //Nothing happens here //and if it does I'd rather not talk about it. }
19. Charles Dickens “There is a wisdom of the Head, there is a wisdom of the Heart...and then there's JavaScript”
20. function mrFibbowicksNumbers(enormity) { var assortment = [0,1,1], tally = 3; var artfulRatio = 1.61803; while(tally++ < enormity) { //here is an exceedingly clever device assortment.push( Math.round( assortment[tally-2] * artfulRatio)); } //should there be an overabundance of //elements, a remedy need be applied return assortment.slice(0, enormity); }
21. Excercise 2: factorial(n)
22. Jack Kerouac “All of JavaScript is a foreign country”
23. /*...the only numbers for me are the mad ones, take forty-three like a steam engine with a talky caboose at the end*/ n = 43, /*and that lanky fellow in a cocked fedora*/ r = 1 /*then back to our number, our mad number, mad to become one*/ while (n > 1) /*mad to descend*/ n--, /*mad to multiply*/ r = r * n /*and at the end, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes 1.4050061177528801e+51...*/ r
24. James Joyce “Writing in JavaScript is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives”
25. function hacktorial(integette) { var nonthings = [undefined, null, false, 0, '']; var resultution = 1; if (integette == 0) { //behold the strangerous zeroine! resultution = 1; } else { while (integette > 1) //caligulate by multicapables resultution = resultution * integette--; }
26. with(resultution) { var duodismal = Function('return this').call(toString(12)); var disemvowel = Function("n","return n?parseInt(n,12):'0'") return [ disemvowel(duodismal.slice(0,-1)), 'shillings and', disemvowel(duodismal[duodismal.length-1]), 'pence' ].join(' '); } //klikkaklakkalopatcreppycrottyladdypkonpkot! }
27. hacktorial(3) //"0 shillings and 6 pence" hacktorial(4) //"2 shillings and 0 pence" hacktorial(7) //"420 shillings and 0 pence"
28. Richard Feynman “I never pay attention to anything by experts. I program everything myself”
29. //using Ramanujan's approximation function fractorail(n){ with(Math) { var r = sqrt(PI)*pow(n/E,n); r *= pow(8*pow(n,3)+4*(n*n)+n+(1/30), 1/6); return r; } } fractorail(3); //6.00005 fractorail(1.1); //1.04671 fractorail(5.2); //169.40628
30. Arthur Conan-Doyle “I Never Throw Exceptions. An Exception Disproves The Rule”
31. "use strict"; //In solving a problem of this sort, the //grand thing is to be able to reason backwards //some things are easier known than explained! var caseHistory = new Object({2:2, 6:3}); function unfactorial(evidence){ //first, humility! if (evidence === 1) { return "Watson, I am at a loss!" } //second, logical precedence! if(caseHistory[evidence]){ //elementary! return caseHistory[evidence]; }
32. //third, eliminate the impossible! if(evidence === 0 || evidence % 24 !== 0) { return "charlatans!"; } //fourth, deduction! var theDeduction; var enumarator = evidence, denominator = 1; while(enumarator % denominator === 0) { enumarator = enumarator/denominator++; if (enumarator === denominator) { theDeduction = enumarator; } }
33. theDeduction = theDeduction || "impostors"; //What one man can invent another can discover! caseHistory[evidence] = theDeduction; //What remains, however improbable, is truth! return theDeduction; } unfactorial(2); //2 unfactorial(120); //5 unfactorial(25); //‘charlatans!’ unfactorial(1); //‘Watson, I am at a loss!’
34. Samuel Johnson “When one is tired of JAVA-SCRIPT one is tired of LIFE”
35. # In which various NUMBERS are summon'd by # means of ELECTRONICK CONJURY factorial = (n) -> # All argument is against it; # yet all belief is for it return 1 unless n # Ingenious sophistry to prove # the palp'bly OBVIOUS return 1 if n is 1 # Recursion (n.) # a program that calls 'pon itself in the # manner of a dog returning unto its VOMIT n * factorial n - 1
36. Jane Austen “A programmer, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can”
37. factorial = (function() { //I declare... var ledger = {}; return function reckoning(quantity) { if (isNaN(quantity)) { console.log("I have not the pleasure of"\ "understanding you"); return; } //It is a truth universally acknowledged that //two values can only be adjudged truly //agreeable by means of the === operator if (quantity === 0) { return 1; }
38. //Mr Crockford teaches that we be wary of //inherited property... if (ledger.hasOwnProperty(quantity)) { return ledger[quantity]; } //Pray persist until an answer is furnished return ledger[quantity] = quantity * reckoning(quantity - 1); }; })(); factorial(4); //24 factorial(9); //362880
39. Ernest Hemingway “When you stop writing JavaScript for fun you might as well be dead”
40. //Economy. function factorial(n) { return n < 2 ? 1: factorial(n-1)*n; }
41. If Edgar Allan Poe Wrote JavaScript Once upon a midnight dreary, while I struggled with JQuery, Sighing softly, weak and weary, troubled by my daunting chore, While I grappled with weak mapping, suddenly a function wrapping formed a closure, gently trapping objects that had gone before. Ah, distinctly I remember, it was while debugging Ember, As each separate dying member left its host for ever more. Eagerly I wished the morrow–vainly I had sought to borrow (From my bookmarked trail of sorrow), APIs from Underscore. There I sat engaged in guessing the meaning of each cursed expression, Endless callbacks in procession; nameless functions, nothing more, This and more I sat divining, strength and spirit fast declining, Disclose the value we're assigning! Tell me - tell me, I implore!
42. @angustweets The End. byfat.xxx/if-hemingway-wrote-javascript blog.anguscroll.com/if-edgar-allen-poe- wrote-javascript anguscroll.com github.com/angus-c/literaryJavaScript
43. photo credits Title page: 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5yygfWYG81qa3d0ro1_500.jpg Hemingway: asburyandasbury.typepad.com/.a/6a010535893544970c014e8a5efee9970d-800wi Shakespeare: multimedia.pol.dk/archive/00494/BRITAIN_SHAKESPEARE_494975a.jpg Breton: 24.media.tumblr.com/23eacc5ea0112720e40df9bccade5067/tumblr_mih1x7me9r1qzn0deo1_1280.jpg Bolaño: blogs.20minutos.es/trasdos/files/2013/03/1-99-Gerona-abril-1981ok.jpg Dickens: www.heritagedaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/dickins.jpg Austen: imgs.mi9.com/uploads/movie-tv/1480/anne-hathaway-jane-austen-in-becoming-jane_1024x768_20809.jpg Kerouac: 24.media.tumblr.com/5a1173c4afb79c43d0d6abab2023c6d2/tumblr_mmebqdafaL1qzt15co1_1280.jpg Joyce: sdsouthard.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/joyce.jpg Feynman: i1.ytimg.com/vi/HmbTbtWoWwY/maxresdefault.jpg Conan Doyle: bookishman.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/basil-rathbone-as-sherlock-holmes.jpeg Johnson: ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/j/johnson/samuel/portrait.jpgext