HEADQUARTERS- AFTERNOON. BEN HENCH(19, he/him)runs through a maze of lasers, with a ray gun of his own in hand and an assortment of white "targets" attached to his bodysuit. He trips over one dangerously close to his feet, and falls on his face as a domelight on the ceiling begins to flash and sound an alarm. BEN Oh no... Ben’s sister JENNY(19, she/her), who is also covered in targets and has been perched on one of the overhead laser projectors, jumps down. She is holding an identical ray gun and points it at Ben. JENNY Thanks for making the job a lot easier, Benny-Boy. She shoots a target on Ben's back. He yelps in surprise and writhes around in mock-agony. BEN (melodramatically) Betrayed by my own sister! How could you? JENNY Because you are really bad at laser tag, that's why. A beam from Ben's ray gun hits a target on Jenny's chest. JENNY Ow! Hey! Ben stands up and spins his ray gun around on his finger. BEN Seems like you've got a lot to learn as well. He takes off runnning ahead of her. JENNY Don't trip again this time! The siblings run through the maze some more, dodging the lasers as best as they can. Ben nearly runs into a laser projected at about chest height, but stops just in time. He does an awkward limbo underneath the laser, just as Jenny 1.
Jenny gracefully jumps over it and fires a blast from her ray gun, singeing the top of his hair. After getting himself through the obstacle, Ben, somewhat annoyed, shoots three quick blasts at Jenny, all of which miss her. BEN Curses! JENNY That's what you're going to say? BEN Come on, it's a classic villain line! JENNY Yeah, sure, but I'm more of a fan of "I'll get you next time!" Jenny shrieks as a ray gun blast hits her in the back. She stumbles, and AGENT ZERO(50s, he/him) can be seen standing behind her, his body fully intact and outside of his life support tank. ZERO I think you'll find that the best strategy is to say nothing at all. JENNY Zero! I didn't know you played laser tag! ZERO I don't. I'm afraid your training is over for the day. The lasers in the room shut off. ZERO Step into my office. I've got a job for you two. INT. ZERO'S OFFICE. Zero, his physical body severed at the waist, is floating in his life support tank, positioned at his desk. Ben and Jenny stand facing him on the other side. A mechanical arm extends from Zero's tank, presenting a 2. 2.
up piece of paper to the Hench siblings. ZERO Here are the details of your contract. Jenny eagerly snatches the paper from him. JENNY Ooh, is this one of those exploding secret agent messages? ZERO No, I'm afraid we stopped doing those a couple of years ago. (beat) We kept losing too many agents that way. Jenny opens and reads the slip. JENNY "Golden Sardines, treasure of Italy, to be on exhibit at Stanleyburg Museum. Steal them for me, and you shall be greatly rewarded. -Madam Jewels." Ben paces back and forth, trying to figure out where he's heard the name before. BEN Madam Jewels, Madam Jewels… Cut to montage sequence depicting Madam Jewel's history as Zero explains. ZERO Madam Rona Jewels is the leader of her own personal antique smuggling ring. There's no museum or archaeological site that her network of thieves hasn't tried to trespass. They say her great- grandfather was the man who stole the Mona Lisa. End montage. Cut back to Zero in the office, looking smugly pleased. ZERO 3.
would do wonders for your criminal career. BEN Alright, steal some goldfish to please the lady! When do we start? ZERO Midnight. I suggest you get some rest til then. JENNY Rest?! Are you kidding? This is our first big job! ZERO Which is why you will need to be in top form, and why I don't need another headache right now. BEN So what, you just want us to go home now? ZERO You know, if you must bother someone, go talk to Reese. I've instructed her to supply you with the equipment for the mission. INT. DVA SUPPLY ROOM. REESE(22, she/her), Zero's assistant, has led the Hench siblings to an unassuming-looking gray cabinet. REESE Here we are. This cabinet is where we keep all the best tools for thievery. BEN Hm. Doesn't look like much. Reese dramatically throws open the doors. Inside the cabinet, the walls are filled with a myriad of tools, weapons, and any other equipment a good secret agent or supervillain may need. REESE It's bigger on the inside. Jenny grabs a chainsaw off of the wall of the cabinet and 3. 4.
cabinet and experimentally waves it around. JENNY Ooh, when do we get to use this? Reese snatches the chainsaw from her and puts it back. REESE Not today. She adjusts her glasses and pulls out a checklist. REESE This is a fairly simple heist. All you should need are a few lockpicks and maybe a flashlight, just in case. JENNY Ugh. Fine. She picks up the recommended items and puts them into a small satchel strapped to her thigh. Ben follows her example, but notices something else in the cabinet. BEN Ooh, is that a soldering kit? Definitely bringing that with me. You never know when you need a good solder! He places the soldering kit into his own satchel. Jenny notices that Reese does not stop him from doing this. JENNY Oh, so he gets to take something fun and I don't? REESE I don't think the chainsaw will fit in your satchel. JENNY Buzzkill. EXT. THE STREETS OF STANLEYBURG- NIGHT. Ben and Jenny dash out of the DVA headquarters. On the street, a taxicab drives by, and they immediately accost it, leaning in the window, jumping onto the hood, etc. JENNY 4. 5.
don't have to tell me twice. The cab driver sighs and throws the door open for them. Ben and Jenny jump into the back seat. The cab driver hits the gas, and the car goes careening through the street, weaving through traffic and running lights- think "Crazy Taxi." The cab runs through a red light, nearly T-boning an oncoming car. Both cars honk their horns as the one perpendicular to the cab speeds off, and the cabbie looks over his shoulder as they pass it. CABBIE Ey, watch where you're drivin, ya maniac! BEN (aside, to Jenny) Geez, and they think we're crazy. The cab skids to a stop in front of the STANLEYBURG MUSEUM, and the Henches disembark and head toward the museum entrance. CABBIE Ey, what about my fare? Ben kicks the door of the cab shut. BEN You're not getting it! JENNY Yeah! This was a stick-up! Jenny sticks her tongue out and they run off, leaving the cab driver staring at them dumbfounded. CABBIE That's...not how that works. EXT. STANLEYBURG MUSEUM- NIGHT. Jenny stands outside the front of the museum, gazing at its impressive entrance. JENNY 5. 6.
Ben grabs her arm and pulls her aside, into a nearby bush. Jenny yelps in surprise. JENNY Ben, what the heck?! BEN What did you think you were gonna do? We can't just waltz in through the front door! He produces a map. BEN Look, I mapped out the floor plan of the museum and figured out the most efficient entry and exit paths. If we manage to steer clear of security, we'll be in and out without a hitch! Jenny grabs the map, admiring Ben's handiwork. JENNY Wow, Ben, you drew all of this? This is really good. BEN I know, I could have been an architect! Jenny lays the map flat on the ground and points to a section Ben has circled. JENNY Okay, tell me about the plan. This is where the Golden Sardines are, right? BEN If my calculations are correct, then yes. That's the room that the museum uses for special exhibitions. Lucky for us, it's only on the first floor. Ben traces a path on the map with his finger. BEN 7.
the museum storage, we should be able to bypass most of the security, grab the sardines, and come back the way we came. Jenny excitedly grabs and rolls up the map. JENNY Ben, you are a genius. BEN Heh, yeah, I got the smart genes. That's why it's called "Gene"-ius. Jenny slaps Ben with the rolled-up museum map. JENNY You're also a nerd. C'mon, let's go fish! The two of them dart through the bushes around the perimeter of the museum to get to a door in the back. Ben pulls out the lockpicks that Reese gave him. BEN Got your lockpicks? JENNY Yep. BEN Okay, we wanna take a delicate approach to this, make sure we get the door unlocked without actually damaging it- As Ben is saying this, Jenny begins wiggling her picks through the lock and trying the doorknob. She is unsuccessful, and begins to get frustrated, trying more forcefully. The door still won't open, and at last she angrily kicks it, to which it finally swings open. BEN Or your way is good too. INT. STANLEYBURG MUSEUM STORAGE. Ben and Jenny enter the museum storage from the door they busted open. Jenny reaches for a nearby light switch. Ben grabs her hand, 6. 8.
hand, stopping her. BEN (whispering) Use your flashlight. JENNY (also whispering) Right. Jenny takes her flashlight out of her satchel and turns it on, illuminating their field of view. The walls are tightly packed with off-exhibit artifacts and specimens. BOTH (decidedly not whispering) Ooh! JENNY Look at all this stuff! BEN Wow! The walking cane of Jack Stanley, founder of Stanleyburg? Feathers of the elusive Tasmanian woodpecker? And this isn't even the stuff they have on exhibit! Ben stops in front of a jar of green liquid and squints at the label. BEN "The left toe of Buster Peterson, born and died in Stanleyburg"? Yuck! JENNY Come on, Ben, we've gotta get the sardines! You can get excited about old dead people's stuff later. BEN Right, right. But you were the one who said to look at it. They navigate their way through the storage room, passing by several other shelves of curiosities. Jenny has to put a hand on Ben's shoulder to stop him from getting distracted. Finally, they reach the door on the other side of the storage room, and they both look at each other. BEN 9.
takes out his lock picks and has an easier time jimmying the door open than Jenny did. BEN If my map is correct, this should lead into a hallway, where the exhibition room should be a little to our right. He opens the door and they step out, only to see a SECURITY GUARD standing outside of the right exhibition room, "scanning" the hallway with a flashlight. BEN Shoot, they've already got guards over here! JENNY I'll handle this one. Jenny saunters up to the security guard with an exaggerated hip sway. JENNY Hey there, handsome, my name's Jenny, what's yours? GUARD 1 Uhh, I'm not supposed to flirt while I'm on duty. JENNY Wrong answer! She judo-flips the guard, knocking him onto the floor, unconscious. JENNY (shouting at BEN) I got him! Go, go! Ben nods, then dashes into the exhibition room. In a display case in the center of the room, surrounded by red rope, are the golden sardines, being displayed in a jewelry box adorned with green and orange gems. The sparkle of the riches reflects in Ben's eyes, but he soon breaks away and turns his attention to the security camera on the wall behind him. Ben leans out of the doorway and motions to Jenny. 10.
BEN Jenny! C'mere! Jenny follows him into the exhibition room. JENNY What is it? Ben pulls out a small adhesive device. BEN You're better at the jumping- climbing thing. Can you plant this on that security camera? Jenny grabs the device out of Ben's hand. JENNY Way ahead of you, bro! enny climbs on top of the sardines' display case and performs a jumping somersault towards the security camera, slapping the device onto the camera as she passes it. BEN Nice! Ben pulls out a small remote control and presses a button. Sparks shoot from his device to the security camera, and the lens explodes in a small, crackling pop. JENNY Huh. You know, you'd think they would have more security than that. She carefully lifts up the glass of the display case. Ben places the lid on the jewelry box and takes it off of the podium. As soon as he does this, blacklights snap on in the room, and an alarm klaxon starts blaring. Jenny drops the display glass in surprise and smashes it on the floor. JENNY Aw, crap! BEN Where's the alarm? There's gotta be a way to disable it! Outside the exhibition room, the security guard is woken up by the alarm and slowly comes to his senses. He gets back onto his feet, then runs into the exhibition 11.
exhibition room. GUARD 1 Jenny! What do you and your little friend think you're doing?! JENNY (to BEN) He asks, as if he doesn't already know the answer. (to the guard) Sorry, big boy, I'm a bit of a heartbreaker. (back to BEN) Ben, run for it! They jump over the rope around the podium that the sardines were displayed on, then dash through the exhibition room, out the other side, leading into another hallway. The guard begins to follow them, but notices the broken glass and carefully tiptoes around it before breaking into a run. BEN Great job giving him both our names! You still have the map? JENNY Yep! Jenny pulls out and unrolls the map. JENNY It says the next nearest exit is down a staircase through the armory exhibit! BEN Okay, let's go there! JENNY Alright! Hard left after you pass the museum cafe! They come to a stop in front of the cafe. JENNY Ben, this has been a long night, can we grab a brownie for the road first? In their pause, the security guard has almost caught up to them. He pulls out his walkie-talkie and calls for help. GUARD 1 12.
BEN No brownies! Just keep running! The two of them make the left turn into the armory. INT. STANLEYBURG MUSEUM ARMORY. Ben and Jenny enter the ARMORY, a long hall where suits of armor are displayed, along with various weaponry hanging on the walls. TWO MORE MUSEUM GUARDS jump out at them from behind the armored figures. GUARD 2 Drop the box and put your hands up! BEN Alright, if you insist. Ben gets down on his knees, places the jewelry box on the floor...and pushes it so it slides across the hall. The two guards look back and forth between the box and Ben, unsure of which should be their first priority. meanwhile, Jenny has climbed on top of one of the suits of armor and grabbed a polearm from off the wall. She takes a swing at one of the guards, knocking them into each other and onto the floor. Ben grins in approval at her and runs over to the box on the floor, not too far from the exit stairs. Jenny jumps down from her position, knocking the helmet off of the suit of armor and onto the floor. The first guard from before enters the armory, standing between Ben and Jenny. He nudges one of his fallen comrades with his foot and shakes his head. GUARD 1 Jenny, I don't know why you make this harder than it needs to be. He pulls out a pair and handcuffs and begins to walk toward her. Behind him, Ben starts sneaking down the stairs with the jewelry box. Jenny drops her polearm and picks up the helmet on the floor. JENNY I never play life on easy. It gets too predictable! She throws the helmet at the guard like a bowling ball, 7. 13.
ball, knocking him onto his bottom. She blows a raspberry at him as she runs off toward the stairs. After she's passed him, the guard comes to his senses and stands up. GUARD 1 (blows a raspberry right back at her) -yourself! Jenny hurries down the staircase, where Ben is waiting at the bottom in front of an emergency exit door. BEN This is an emergency exit. I'd try to use a detonator on it, but I don't wanna risk setting off another alarm… JENNY It's a little too late for that. I don't think we can be choosey! She pushes the door open and they both jump outside as another alarm rings. EXT. STANLEYBURG MUSEUM REAR- NIGHT. The Hench siblings exit into a patch of grass outside of the museum. JENNY Keep running! The two of them run off of the grass and onto the nearby sidewalk, running past the museum until the sidewalk gives way to the city street. At the end of the sidewalk, Jenny, a little bit ahead of Ben, almost stumbles, but manages to catch herself. JENNY Ben! The curb! Ben looks down at his feet, then neatly jumps down from the curb and into the street. BEN Ha! Did not trip this time! JENNY 8. 14.
we? BEN Why not? Might as well admire the spoils before we hand them over. Jenny leans in as Ben removes the lid of the display box, revealing the glittering sardines. JENNY Wow, pretty fancy! They almost sparkle in the moonlight! Cut to a first-person view from a MOTORIST on the street. The gleam and glow from the sardines is causing a glare on their dashboard. The driver tries to swerve a little bit past Ben and Jenny. MOTORIST Who on Earth has got their highbeams on?! Ben and Jenny notice the speeding car, and their eyes briefly lock into the headlights. BOTH Yipe! The two of them jump back, away from the car's path...but Ben hits the curb backwards and stumbles slightly, the impact jostling the sardines from the display box and into the nearby storm drain. BEN The sardines! JENNY No! Curse my curiosity! Ben sadly hands the empty display box to Jenny. BEN At least we have the display box. JENNY I mean, it still glitters...but it's not gold. BEN 15.
back. Maybe we can go down into the sewer and look for the sardines. Ben pulls out a flip phone and dials Zero. Cut to INT. ZERO'S OFFICE. Zero is in front of his desk, wearing a cucumber face mask while bubbles cycle through his tank. This is the closest he can get to a "spa day." The speakerphone on his desk rings, and a mechanical arm extends from his tank to press a button on it. ZERO Agent Zero speaking. Whoever it is, make it quick. The camera cuts back and forth between Ben and Zero as they speak. BEN Hey, Zero, no rush, but when does Madam Jewels want these sardines delivered? ZERO Sunrise. She wants them presented while she's eating breakfast on her verandah. BEN (whispering to JENNY) Sunrise. JENNY (whispering back) That's not enough time! BEN (normal voice, back to ZERO) Great. Sounds good. ZERO I presume that you do have the sardines. BEN Yeah, totally. Got the box right here. ZERO 16.
sunrise. Zero hangs up. Cut back to Ben and Jenny. Ben, slightly dejected, listens to the dial tone on his phone for a few seconds before snapping it shut. JENNY We are doomed! BEN We are not doomed! (beat.) Okay, we're doomed. But I'm gonna figure something out. We still have the display box, we aren't completely empty-handed. JENNY So we just have to make Madam Jewels think the sardines are in the box. She shakes the box a little bit. JENNY We're gonna need to find something to replace the weight. (beat.) Ben, how many of old Buster Peterson's toes were in that jar? BEN We can't go back to the museum! The guards are probably still looking for us. And besides, I am not going to carry around a jewelry box full of moldy toes. Ben suddenly remembers the satchel strapped to his leg and gives it a pat. BEN Wait! I've got that soldering kit from the supply cabinet! We can weld some replacements! JENNY That's great! (MORE) JENNY (CONT'D) 17.
though? Ben points to something over Jenny's shoulder. BEN How about over there? Jenny turns around and sees, across the street, a building labeled "Crazy Pete's Cash For Gold." INT. CRAZY PETE'S CASH FOR GOLD- NIGHT. Ben quickly picks the lock on the door from outside, and he and Jenny hurry into the shop. The inside is rather unremarkable except for a large safe just behind the register. JENNY So where's the gold? BEN It must be in that safe. JENNY Got any more of those detonators? BEN Yeah, hang on. Ben creeps behind the register and attaches a small detonator- like the one he used on the museum camera- to the safe door and successfully blows it open. Inside the safe are several gold bars and chains. BEN Aw man, these are too big to carry out! I'd have to melt them down in here! JENNY For real? How heavy can one gold brick be? Jenny reaches into the safe and struggles as she tries to pick up a stack of about 3 bricks. Gold is heavy! JENNY Darnit, I hate when you're right, sometimes! BEN 9. 18.
size of the sardines, the better. Jenny pulls out her flashlight and looks around the safe. JENNY Sorry, bro. It looks like it's mostly bars. BEN Darn. He comes up with a new idea. BEN Check the register. Copper's almost the same weight as gold. It'd be a lot easier to melt some pennies together into fish shapes! Jenny goes over to the register and unlocks it with one of her lockpicks. Lucky for them, Crazy Pete does some good business- it's full of bills and change! JENNY Bingo! BEN Alright! Ben pulls his soldering tools out of his satchel. BEN Let's get welding. EXT. THE STREETS OF STANLEYBURG- EARLY MORNING. A black car with the DVA logo on the side rolls down the street, running a red light. Reese is in the driver's seat, wearing a stereotypical chauffeur's uniform. She pulls up to the sidewalk by Crazy Pete's, where Ben and Jenny are sitting on the sidewalk outside, asleep. Jenny is protectively clutching the jewelry box. Reese rolls down her window and beeps her horn at the siblings, startling them awake. BEN Reese! How'd you know we were here? REESE 10. 19.
like that you hadn't called him since midnight. JENNY Ugh, midnight...don't remind me. REESE No need to. It's sunrise now. Madam Jewels is waiting. INT. REESE'S CAR. Ben and Jenny are buckled into the seat behind her, with the jewelry box placed between them. Reese takes the car out of the main drag of Stanleyburg and into a more upscale neighborhood. REESE Madam Jewels lives in a penthouse in West Oval. You know, that hoity- toity neighborhood by the mouth of the river. JENNY The river, huh? All this trouble for sardines when she could have fished some up herself? REESE Madam Jewels refuses to get her hands dirty. (she gives a pleased smile) That's why she hires people like us. Reese pulls off of the main street and in front of a tall art deco-style building. REESE Here we are. Good luck. Ben and Jenny exit the car, with Jenny holding the jewelry box. They approach the door of the apartment building. Ben rings the doorbell, and Madam Jewels' butler, MR. PENNYFARTHING(60s?, he/him), answers. He stares at the siblings suspiciously and narrows his eyes. Ben clears his throat and introduces them 11. 20.
Jenny Hench. JENNY Under contract with Agent Zero. PENNYFARTHING Yes, Madam has been expecting you. Come in. INT. MADAM JEWELS' PENTHOUSE- MORNING. MADAM JEWELS(40s, she/her) is sitting on the balcony, in her robe, eating an omelette with a gold fork. An elevator door just inside the doorframe opens, and Pennyfarthing steps out, followed by the Hench siblings. PENNYFARTHING Madame, the siblings Hench. JENNY (to Ben) Should we curtsey? The siblings both attempt a curtsey. Madam Jewels puts down her fork, folds her hands into her lap, and looks at the Hench siblings, chin tilted up. JEWELS State your business. Jenny gets down on one knee and presents the jewelry box to her. Ben gestures at Jenny while making a little speech. BEN Presenting to the illustrious Madam Jewels, straight from the Stanleyburg Museum, the Golden Sardines. Madam Jewels stands up and gently takes the box from Jenny. JEWELS My, my. So you've done it. I've been looking forward to this. Madam Jewels places the jewelry box on her table and 12. 21.
dramatically lifts the lid off of it. She gasps, and her expression turns to one of confusion and disappointment when she sees what's inside: six very lumpy copper pieces, made from melted pennies, in a crude imitation of the sardines' shape. JEWELS What are these? Where are the sardines? JENNY We, uhh, had a bit of an accident with the real sardines. BEN Think of this as a sort of "I.O.U." JEWELS I do not accept I.O.U.s. I am Madam Jewels, for goodness' sake! I am a connoisseur of taste, the height of society, the creme de la creme! And when I want something, I want it brought to me immediately! BEN Hey, we brought the box, that's pretty fancy too, if I say so myself. JEWELS Excuse me?! She gestures at the lid of the box. JEWELS Hessonites are hardly worth the same as gold! And you two are hardly worth my time if you don't have the Golden Sardines! Out with you! Out! The Hench siblings are about to protest, but are both grabbed at the shoulder by Pennyfarthing, who quietly ushers them back to the elevator. EXT. MADAM JEWELS' APARTMENT BUILDING- DAY. Pennyfarthing opens the front door and quite literally kicks the Hench siblings out, slamming the door behind them. Reese is still parked outside. BEN 13. 22.
even deserve the sardines! JENNY Yeah, you belong in the sewer! Where we dropped them! They trudge back into the car. REESE Let me guess. You lost the real sardines and tried to dupe her with fakes. The siblings nod. REESE Back to the drawing board, I suppose. EXT. DVA HEADQUARTERS- DAY. Reese pulls the car up to the DVA Headquarters, where a silver sports car is parked outside waiting for them. A man (specifically the MUSEUM DIRECTOR,50s?, he/him) exits the sportscar and stares at the group, gesturing to the siblings. DIRECTOR Are you two Jenny and Ben? JENNY Who wants to know? The director gestures to himself. DIRECTOR Buster Peterson Jr., director of the Stanleyburg museum. I got a tipoff that you two are responsible for the Golden Sardines going missing. The passenger window of the sportscar rolls down, and the first museum guard they encountered peers out and waves at them. JENNY Aw, criminy. DIRECTOR 14. 23.
to file a police report, as long as you bring them back to me today. Ben and Jenny grimace at each other. BEN There's just one problem with that... CUT TO: INT. STANLEYBURG SEWERS. Ben and Jenny are wearing hip waders, rubber gloves, and gas masks, dredging through the sewage to try and recover the sardines. JENNY You know, Ben, that was some quick thinking with the pennies. I still think that was a pretty good con. BEN Me too. I just wish Madam Jewels was more gullible. JENNY Hey, I think I found one of the sardines! She picks up what turns out to be a dead goldfish. JENNY Nevermind. THE END. 15. 16. 24.
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