Ask vs. Guess Culture Communication (Write/Speak/Code)

Longform version of my Ask vs. Guess Culture lightning talk.

Abstract:
Have you ever been told you’re “too direct,” or feel like you don’t understand what others want? Or on the other side, do you think others are often too confrontational? These are Ask vs Guess Culture differences. Ask folks believe it’s ok to ask anything, because it’s ok to say no, while Guess folks prioritize not imposing on others. It’s a culture clash that isn’t often recognized, yet causes quite a bit of tension and frustration. This talk will cover the nuances of these different communication styles, as well as strategies for bridging the gap. Gaining an understanding of these differences and learning specific tactics for a professional context will make you a drastically more effective communicator.

This talk was presented at Write/Speak/Code 2016 in Chicago.
Blog post: http://kwugirl.blogspot.com/2015/05/ask-vs-guess-culture-communications.html

Transcript

1. @kwugirl
   Ask vs. Guess Cultures
   KWu, an Ask Culture person
   Software Engineer
   

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2. @kwugirl
   

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3. @kwugirl
   You
   

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4. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   

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5. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   

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6. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   

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7. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   Can Taylor stay
   with you?
   

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8. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   ?
   

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9. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   I’ll just tell
   them no.
   

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10. @kwugirl
    You
    Jamie
    Taylor
    or
    

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11. @kwugirl
    You
    Jamie
    Taylor
    Ugh, this puts
    me in a difficult
    position.
    

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12. @kwugirl
    “I’ll just tell 

    them no.”
    “Ugh, this puts me
    in a difficult position.”
    Ask Culture Guess Culture
    

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13. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    

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14. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    overview of cultures
    

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15. @kwugirl
    

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16. @kwugirl
    it’s OK to ask for anything
    +
    you’re OK getting ‘no’
    for an answer
    ASK
    

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17. @kwugirl
    avoid asking unless
    the answer will be yes
    GUESS
    

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18. @kwugirl
    extend out
    delicate feelers
    GUESS
    

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19. @kwugirl
    don’t have to
    explicitly ask
    GUESS
    

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20. @kwugirl
    if you accept, are you
    imposing too much?
    GUESS
    

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21. @kwugirl
    putting others in the position of
    having to say ‘no’ seems rude
    GUESS
    

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22. ASK GUESS
    

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23. ASK GUESS
    Northeast
    Pacific Northwest
    Midwest
    

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24. ASK GUESS
    Northeast
    Pacific Northwest
    Midwest
    

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25. @kwugirl
    one culture ≯ another culture
    

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26. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    a few examples
    

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27. @kwugirl
    “The Seattle No”
    https://medium.com/lessons-learned/the-seattle-no-177091f864a4
    

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28. @kwugirl
    Hey, I’m going to this party,
    do you want to come?
    

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29. @kwugirl
    Hmm that sounds interesting,
    I’ll have to check.
    

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30. @kwugirl
    or
    

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31. @kwugirl
    Oh yeah, maybe…
    

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32. @kwugirl
    Oh yeah, maybe…
    + don’t hear from them again about it
    

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33. @kwugirl
    THIS MEANS NO.
    

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34. @kwugirl
    THIS MEANS NO.
    (not obvious to all of us)
    

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35. @kwugirl
    

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36. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make 

    lunch for next week.”
    

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37. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make 

    lunch for next week.”
    Dan hears
    

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38. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make 

    lunch for next week.”
    “Could you make extra food
    so I have lunch for the week?”
    Dan hears
    

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39. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this 

    weekend.”
    

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40. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this 

    weekend.”
    I think
    

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41. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this 

    weekend.”
    “That’s so weird, Dan’s planning to make
    an extra meal this weekend, but ok.”
    I think
    

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42. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this 

    weekend.”
    “That’s so weird, Dan’s planning to make
    an extra meal this weekend, but ok.”
    What I did not say: 

    “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”
    I think
    

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43. @kwugirl
    End Result
    

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44. @kwugirl
    End Result
    “Why do we have
    so much food
    in the fridge??”
    

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45. @kwugirl
    End Result
    “Why do we have
    so much food
    in the fridge??”
    

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46. @kwugirl
    End Result
    “Why do we have
    so much food
    in the fridge??”
    “I’m such a
    good husband.”
    

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47. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    pros/cons
    

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48. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    

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49. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    

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50. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    

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51. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    

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52. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    More open conflict
    

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53. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    More open conflict
    Can make people
    feel uncomfortable
    

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54. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    

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55. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    

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56. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    

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57. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    Hard if you’re bad at 

    reading social cues
    

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58. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    Hard if you’re bad at 

    reading social cues
    Can feel like no one
    is listening to you
    

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59. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    further considerations
    

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60. @kwugirl
    

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61. @kwugirl
    personality
    family
    __context__
    

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62. @kwugirl
    women
    

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63. @kwugirl
    women
    “abrasive”
    

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64. @kwugirl
    women
    “abrasive”
    “timid”
    

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65. @kwugirl
    ???
    

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66. @kwugirl
    family
    

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67. @kwugirl
    family
    work
    

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68. @kwugirl
    how well you know someone
    ???????
    stranger BFF
    

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69. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    strategies for handling
    

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70. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    

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71. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    

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72. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    Listen more closely
    

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73. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    Listen more closely
    Apologize if you realize >1 interpretation
    

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74. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    

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75. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    Remember that people might be 

    unaware of “the rules”
    

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76. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    Remember that people might be 

    unaware of “the rules”
    Resist the urge to “soften” a “No”
    

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77. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    work situations
    

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78. @kwugirl
    discuss communication styles
    

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79. @kwugirl
    “It really helps me to get
    near-realtime feedback.”
    

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80. @kwugirl
    “Sometimes I have trouble
    speaking up, it would really
    help if…”
    

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81. @kwugirl
    “We have a few options that
    work, A/B/C. Let me know!”
    

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82. @kwugirl
    Ask Manager & Guess Report
    

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83. @kwugirl
    Ask Manager & Guess Report
    positive reinforcement for saying “no”
    

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84. @kwugirl
    Ask Manager & Guess Report
    positive reinforcement for saying “no”
    be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
    

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85. @kwugirl
    Ask Manager & Guess Report
    positive reinforcement for saying “no”
    be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
    don’t default processes to people needing to ask
    

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86. @kwugirl
    Ask Manager & Guess Report
    positive reinforcement for saying “no”
    be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
    don’t default processes to people needing to ask
    PAY ATTENTION
    

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87. @kwugirl
    “Hey, remember when we talked
    about how I should be more
    assertive? Well, _____”
    

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88. @kwugirl
    use this talk
    as an excuse!
    

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89. @kwugirl
    “I went to this amazing
    talk at Write/Speak/Code…”
    

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90. @kwugirl
    getting/giving help
    

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91. @kwugirl
    discuss with mentors
    

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92. @kwugirl
    

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93. @kwugirl
    “I’m not sure I understand

    this feature.”
    

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94. @kwugirl
    “I’m not sure I understand

    this feature.”
    (“Can someone help me?”)
    

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95. @kwugirl
    don’t assume 

    silence == ok
    

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96. @kwugirl
    “Do you have any
    questions for me?”
    

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97. @kwugirl
    “Where can I help more,
    ___, ___, or ___?”
    

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98. @kwugirl
    pairing
    

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99. @kwugirl
    pairing retro
    

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100. @kwugirl
     “I’m not sure I absorbed
     enough out of that last
     pairing session.”
     

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101. @kwugirl
     “What would work better?”
     

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102. @kwugirl
     “We were kind of in an exploratory

     phase…maybe next time we can
     save pairing for later?”
     

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103. @kwugirl
     “Hey, I have a question, but

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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104. @kwugirl
     “Hey, I have a question, but 

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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105. @kwugirl
     “Hey, I have a question, but 

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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106. @kwugirl
     “Hey, I have a question, but 

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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107. @kwugirl
     “it’s ok if you’re busy…”
     “Hey, I have a question, but 

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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108. @kwugirl
     “it’s ok if you’re busy…”
     “I understand if you’re busy…”
     “Hey, I have a question, but 

     it’s totally ok to say no.”
     

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109. @kwugirl
     be thoughtful,
     help each other
     

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110. @kwugirl
     if you have any
     questions…
     

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111. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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112. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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113. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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114. @kwugirl
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