Ask vs. Guess Culture Communication (The Lead Developer UK)

Abstract:
Have you ever been told you’re “too direct,” or feel like you don’t understand what others want? Or on the other side, do you think others are often too confrontational? These are Ask vs Guess Culture differences. Ask folks believe it’s ok to ask anything, because it’s ok to say no, while Guess folks prioritize not imposing on others. It’s a culture clash that isn’t often recognized, yet causes quite a bit of tension and frustration. This talk will cover the nuances of these different communication styles, as well as strategies for bridging the gap. Gaining an understanding of these differences and learning specific tactics for a professional context will make you a drastically more effective communicator.

This talk was presented at The Lead Developer UK 2017, ~32 minutes
Blog post: http://kwugirl.blogspot.com/2015/05/ask-vs-guess-culture-communications.html

Transcript

1. @kwugirl
   Ask vs. Guess Cultures
   KWu, an Ask Culture person
   Senior Software Engineer
   

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2. @kwugirl
   

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3. @kwugirl
   You
   

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4. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   

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5. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   

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6. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   

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7. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   Taylor
   Can Taylor
   stay with you?
   

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8. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   ?
   Taylor
   

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9. @kwugirl
   You
   Jamie
   I’ll just tell
   them no.
   Taylor
   

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10. @kwugirl
    You
    Jamie
    or
    Taylor
    

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11. @kwugirl
    You
    Jamie
    Ugh, this puts
    me in a difficult
    position.
    Taylor
    

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12. @kwugirl
    “I’ll just tell them no.”
    “Ugh, this puts me
    in a difficult position.”
    Ask Culture Guess Culture
    

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13. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    

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14. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    overview of cultures
    

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15. @kwugirl
    

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16. @kwugirl
    it’s OK to ask for anything
    +
    you’re OK getting ‘no’
    for an answer
    ASK
    

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17. @kwugirl
    avoid asking unless
    the answer will be yes
    GUESS
    

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18. @kwugirl
    extend out delicate feelers
    GUESS
    

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19. @kwugirl
    don’t have to explicitly ask
    GUESS
    

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20. @kwugirl
    “offer culture”
    

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21. @kwugirl
    if you accept, are you imposing
    too much?
    GUESS
    

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22. @kwugirl
    putting others in the position of
    having to say ‘no’ seems rude
    GUESS
    

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23. @kwugirl
    “perceive the need”
    Eryn O'Neil at The Lead Developer NY 2017
    

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24. @kwugirl
    ASK GUESS
    

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25. @kwugirl
    ASK GUESS
    

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26. @kwugirl
    ASK GUESS
    Northeast Pacific Northwest
    Midwest
    

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27. @kwugirl
    ASK GUESS
    Northeast Pacific Northwest
    Midwest
    

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28. @kwugirl
    ASK GUESS
    Northeast Pacific Northwest
    Midwest
    

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29. @kwugirl
    one culture ≯ another culture
    

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30. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    a few examples
    

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31. @kwugirl
    “The Seattle No”
    https://medium.com/lessons-learned/the-seattle-no-177091f864a4
    

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32. @kwugirl
    Hey, I’m going to this party,
    do you want to come?
    

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33. @kwugirl
    Hmm that sounds interesting,
    I’ll have to check.
    

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34. @kwugirl
    or
    

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35. @kwugirl
    Oh yeah, maybe…
    

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36. @kwugirl
    Oh yeah, maybe…
    + don’t hear from them again about it
    

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37. @kwugirl
    THIS MEANS NO.
    

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38. @kwugirl
    THIS MEANS NO.
    (not obvious to all of us)
    

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39. @kwugirl
    

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40. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make lunch 

    for next week.”
    

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41. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make lunch 

    for next week.”
    Dan hears
    

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42. @kwugirl
    “Hmm, I don’t have time to make lunch 

    for next week.”
    “Could you make extra meals
    so I have lunch for the week?”
    Dan hears
    

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43. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”
    

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44. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”
    I think
    

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45. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”
    “That’s so weird, Dan’s planning to make
    an extra meal this weekend, but ok.”
    I think
    

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46. @kwugirl
    “I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”
    “That’s so weird, Dan’s planning to make
    an extra meal this weekend, but ok.”
    What I did not say: “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”
    I think
    

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47. @kwugirl
    End Result
    

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48. @kwugirl
    End Result
    “Why do we have
    so much food
    in the fridge?”
    

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49. @kwugirl
    End Result
    “Why do we have
    so much food
    in the fridge?”
    “I’m such a good
    husband.”
    

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50. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    pros/cons
    

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51. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    

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52. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    

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53. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    

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54. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    

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55. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    More open conflict
    

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56. @kwugirl
    Ask Culture
    Prioritizes efficiency
    No ambiguity
    Gets what you want

    (in the short-term)
    More open conflict
    Can make people feel
    uncomfortable
    

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57. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    

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58. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    

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59. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    

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60. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    Hard if you’re bad at 

    reading social cues
    

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61. @kwugirl
    Guess Culture
    Prioritizes not 

    hurting feelings
    More polite
    Hard if you’re bad at 

    reading social cues
    Can feel like no one is
    listening to you
    

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62. @kwugirl
    proportion of requests granted
    requests granted
    explicit verbal
    requests
    

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63. @kwugirl
    requests granted
    proportion of requests granted
    requests granted
    explicit verbal
    requests
    

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64. @kwugirl
    requests granted
    explicit verbal
    requests 

    + implicit requests!
    proportion of requests granted
    requests granted
    explicit verbal
    requests
    

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65. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    further considerations
    

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66. @kwugirl
    

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67. @kwugirl
    personality
    family
    __context__
    

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68. @kwugirl
    company culture
    

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69. @kwugirl
    team culture
    

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70. @kwugirl
    personal experiences
    

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71. @kwugirl
    women
    

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72. @kwugirl
    women
    “abrasive”
    

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73. @kwugirl
    women
    “abrasive”
    “timid”
    

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74. @kwugirl
    ???
    

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75. @kwugirl
    family
    

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76. @kwugirl
    family
    work
    

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77. @kwugirl
    how well you know someone
    ???????
    stranger BFF
    

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78. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    strategies for handling
    

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79. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    

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80. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    

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81. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    Listen more closely
    

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82. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Ask Culture…
    Make a Guess Culture close friend
    Listen more closely
    Apologize if you realize >1 interpretation
    

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83. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    

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84. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    Remember that people might be 

    unaware of “the rules”
    

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85. @kwugirl
    If you’re from Guess Culture…
    Remember that people might be 

    unaware of “the rules”
    Resist the urge to “soften” a “No”
    

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86. @kwugirl
    litmus test
    overview of cultures
    a few examples
    pros/cons
    further considerations
    strategies for handling
    work situations
    work situations
    

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87. @kwugirl
    work situations
    general things to consider
    useful phrasings
    example situations
    use your strengths
    

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88. @kwugirl
    general things to consider
    useful phrasings
    example situations
    use your strengths
    work situations
    general things to consider
    

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89. @kwugirl
    short-term vs. long-term
    

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90. @kwugirl
    relationships
    

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91. @kwugirl
    are you sure you know what
    other people are thinking?
    

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92. @kwugirl
    don’t assume they…
    will react as you would
    are unhappy with you
    

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93. @kwugirl
    general things to consider
    useful phrasings
    example situations
    use your strengths
    work situations
    useful phrasings
    

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94. @kwugirl
    “Hey, I have a question,
    but it’s totally ok to say no.”
    

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95. @kwugirl
    “Hey, I have a question,

    but it’s totally ok to say no.”
    

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96. @kwugirl
    “Hey, I have a question, but
    it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”
    

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97. @kwugirl
    “it’s ok if you’re busy…”
    “Hey, I have a question, but
    it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”
    

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98. @kwugirl
    “it’s ok if you’re busy…”
    “I understand if you’re busy…”
    “Hey, I have a question, but
    it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”
    

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99. @kwugirl
    “Hey, remember when we talked
    about how I should be more
    assertive? Well, _____”
    

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100. @kwugirl
     discuss communication styles
     

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101. @kwugirl
     “Sometimes I have trouble
     speaking up, it would really
     help if…”
     

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102. @kwugirl
     use this talk as an excuse!
     

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103. @kwugirl
     “I went to this amazing
     talk at The Lead Developer…”
     

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104. @kwugirl
     general things to consider
     useful phrasings
     example situations
     use your strengths
     work situations
     example situations
     

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105. @kwugirl
     getting/giving help
     

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106. @kwugirl
     

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107. @kwugirl
     

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108. @kwugirl
     “I’m not sure I understand

     this feature.”
     

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109. @kwugirl
     “I’m not sure I understand

     this feature.”
     (“Can someone help me?”)
     

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110. @kwugirl
     don’t assume silence == ok
     

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111. @kwugirl
     “Do you have any
     questions for me?”
     

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112. @kwugirl
     “What questions do you
     have for me?”
     

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113. @kwugirl
     “We have a few options that
     work, A/B/C. Let me know!”
     

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114. @kwugirl
     Ask Manager & Guess Report
     

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115. @kwugirl
     Ask Manager & Guess Report
     positive reinforcement for saying “no”
     

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116. @kwugirl
     Ask Manager & Guess Report
     positive reinforcement for saying “no”
     be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
     

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117. @kwugirl
     Ask Manager & Guess Report
     positive reinforcement for saying “no”
     be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
     don’t default processes to people needing to ask
     

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118. @kwugirl
     Ask Manager & Guess Report
     positive reinforcement for saying “no”
     be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
     don’t default processes to people needing to ask
     PAY ATTENTION
     

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119. @kwugirl
     “People assume that if their boss is
     assigning them a ton of work, 

     there’s no point in speaking up”
     https://www.thecut.com/2017/05/ask-a-boss-how-do-i-get-more-attention-from-my-boss.html
     

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120. @kwugirl
     additional situations to consider
     publish vs. pull managers

     https://medium.com/@wiredferret/publish-vs-pull-managers-e2b52a45d7e9
     non-native language speakers

     https://medium.com/@mollyclare/taming-the-steamroller-how-to-communicate-compassionately-with-non-native-english-speakers-d95d8d1845a0
     retros
     formats of messaging (phone call vs. Slack)
     

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121. @kwugirl
     general things to consider
     useful phrasings
     example situations
     use your strengths
     work situations
     use your strengths
     

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122. @kwugirl
     meetings
     

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123. @kwugirl
     be thoughtful, help each other
     

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124. @kwugirl
     if you have any questions…
     

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125. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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126. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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127. @kwugirl
     just ask. ;)
     

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