Ask vs. Offer Culture

@kwugirl
Ask vs. Guess Cultures
KWu, an Ask Culture person
Lead Software Engineer
Offer

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You
Jamie
Taylor
Can Taylor
stay with you?

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You
Jamie
?
Taylor

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You
Jamie
I’ll just tell
them no.
Taylor

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You
Jamie
or
Taylor

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You
Jamie
Ugh, this puts
me in a difficult
position.
Taylor

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“I’ll just tell them no.”
“Ugh, this puts me
in a difﬁcult position.”
Ask Culture Guess Culture

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litmus test
overview of cultures
a few examples
pros/cons
further considerations
strategies for handling
work situations

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations

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it’s OK to ask for anything
+
you’re OK getting ‘no’
for an answer
ASK

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avoid asking unless
the answer will be yes
OFFER

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extend out delicate feelers
OFFER

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don’t have to explicitly ask,
others “perceive the need”
OFFER

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if you accept, are you
imposing too much?
OFFER

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putting others in the position of
having to say ‘no’ seems rude
OFFER

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ASK OFFER
Northeast Paciﬁc Northwest
Midwest

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one culture ≯ another culture

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations
a few examples

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“The Seattle No”
https://medium.com/lessons-learned/the-seattle-no-177091f864a4

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Hey, I’m going to this party,
do you want to come?

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Hmm that sounds interesting,
I’ll have to check.

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or

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Oh yeah, maybe…
+ don’t hear from them again about it

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THIS MEANS NO.
(not obvious to all of us)

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“Hmm, I don’t have time to make lunch  
for next week.”
“Could you make extra meals
so I have lunch for the week?”
Dan hears

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“I’m going to cook 2 meals this weekend.”
“That’s so weird, Dan’s planning to make
an extra meal this weekend, but ok.”
What I did not say: “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”
I think

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End Result
“Why do we have
so much food
in the fridge?”
“I’m such a good
husband.”

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations
pros/cons

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Ask Culture
Prioritizes efﬁciency
No ambiguity
Gets what you want
(in the short-term)
More open conﬂict
Can make people feel
uncomfortable

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Offer Culture
Prioritizes not
hurting feelings
More polite
Hard if you’re bad at
reading social cues
Can feel like no one is
listening to you

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requests granted
explicit verbal
requests
+ implicit requests!
proportion of requests granted
requests granted
explicit verbal
requests

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations

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personality
family
__context__

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company culture

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team culture

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personal experiences

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women
“abrasive”
“timid”

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Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies

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???

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family

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family
work

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how well you know someone
???????
stranger BFF

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations

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If you’re from Ask Culture…
Make an Offer Culture close friend
Listen more closely
Apologize if you realize >1 interpretation

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If you’re from Offer Culture…
Remember that people might be
unaware of “the rules”
Resist the urge to “soften” a “No”

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litmus test
a few examples
pros/cons
work situations
work situations

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work situations
general things to consider
useful phrasings
example situations
use your strengths

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useful phrasings
example situations
use your strengths
work situations

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short-term vs. long-term

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relationships

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how certain are you that the
message you sent was
received in the same way?

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don’t assume they…
will react as you would
are unhappy with you

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useful phrasings
example situations
use your strengths
work situations
useful phrasings

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“Hey, I have a question,
but it’s totally ok to say no.”

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“it’s ok if you’re busy…”
“I understand if you’re busy…”
“Hey, I have a question, but
it’s totally ok if you want to say no.”

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“Hey, remember when we talked
about how I should be more
assertive? Well, _____”

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discuss communication styles

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“Sometimes I have trouble
speaking up, it would really
help if…”

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use this talk as an excuse!

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“I went to this amazing
talk at WE Ignite…”

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useful phrasings
example situations
use your strengths
work situations
example situations

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getting/giving help

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“I’m not sure I understand
this feature.”
(“Can someone help me?”)

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don’t assume silence == ok

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“Do you have any
questions for me?”

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“What questions do you
have for me?”

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“We have a few options that
work, A/B/C. Let me know!”

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Ask Manager & Offer Report
positive reinforcement for saying “no”
be extremely wary of giving illusion of choice
don’t default processes to people needing to ask
PAY ATTENTION

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“People assume that if their boss is
assigning them a ton of work,
there’s no point in speaking up”
https://www.thecut.com/2017/05/ask-a-boss-how-do-i-get-more-attention-from-my-boss.html

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additional situations to consider
publish vs. pull managers
https://medium.com/@wiredferret/publish-vs-pull-managers-e2b52a45d7e9
non-native language speakers
https://medium.com/@mollyclare/taming-the-steamroller-how-to-communicate-compassionately-with-non-native-english-speakers-d95d8d1845a0
retros
formats of messaging (phone call vs. Slack)

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useful phrasings
example situations
use your strengths
work situations
use your strengths

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meetings

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be thoughtful, help each other

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if you have any questions…

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just ask. ;)

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Ask vs. Offer Culture

Ask vs. Offer Culture

Katherine Wu

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