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10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights

10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights

10 Uncommon & weird ways to prevent fights in your relationship. There's all the usual advice like "communicate more". This goes a little deeper and gives you something new to try.

Patrick Rauland

April 13, 2019
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  1. 10 Uncommon (&
    Weird) Ways to
    Prevent Fights
    Patrick Rauland - @BFTrick
    https://speakerdeck.com/bftrick/10-uncommon-and-weird-ways-to-prevent-fights

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  2. Commuication is Key

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  3. https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/why-does-breathing-pure-oxygen-kill-you/

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  4. Communicate
    effectively instead
    of constantly.

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  5. 3 Well Known Tools to
    Prevent Fights

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  6. 5 Love Languages

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  7. My Love Language(s)
    ● I value my own time highly
    ● The nicest gift you can give me
    is your attention
    ○ Ex. Putting away your phone
    at a restaurant
    ● Cuddling & holding hands is a
    wonderful reminder to me that
    you care about me
    ● Especially in an argument

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  8. My Partner’s Love Language(s)
    ● She’s a busy person so when I
    can do something for her that
    means a lot
    ● Especially for her theatre
    company which is her baby

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  9. An example of Acts of Service

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  10. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

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  11. Magic Relationship Ratio

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  12. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

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  13. For every negative
    interaction, a stable
    & happy marriage
    has 5 (or more)
    positive interactions.

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  14. Negative Interactions
    ● Being emotionally dismissive or critical
    ● Becoming defensive
    ● Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful
    negative interaction

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  15. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  16. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  17. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  18. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  19. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  20. Positive Interactions
    ● Be interested
    ● Express affection
    ● Intentional appreciation
    ● Find opportunities for agreement
    ● Empathize & apologize
    ● Make jokes

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  21. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

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  22. The Right Tools

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  23. Calendar
    ● Having a shared calendar reduces a lot of
    miscommunication
    ● You can schedule things for your partner
    ○ Ex. parents visiting
    ● You don’t have to ask them if they’re free

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  24. To Do List
    ● A to-do list for task management
    ● You can avoid “nagging” by assigning tasks to each other
    ○ Ex. I can add something to the grocery list without interrupting my
    partner.

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  25. 10 Uncommon Ways to
    Prevent Fights

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  26. 1) Get Naked

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  27. Via Audree
    When big conversations have to happen, you get naked and
    talk it out (optionally: in the shower).
    Standing allows you the inability to hide from the other person.
    You are completely vulnerable and have nowhere to go.
    No sitting because most places you would sit there are blankets or
    pillows to use as a shield.

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  28. Via Audree (cont)
    When you’re naked it’s a lot harder to:
    1. Lie when you are that exposed and vulnerable with
    someone
    2. Yell or be angry at someone, when you are naked

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  29. https://www.wired.com/2011/11/the-psychology-of-nakedness/

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  30. “[More naked people are]
    seen as experiencers:
    someone more capable of
    pain, pleasure, desire,
    sensation, and emotion”

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  31. “The psychologists suggest
    that these dimensions are
    actually a duality, and that
    there's a direct tradeoff
    between the ability to have
    agency and experience.”

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  32. 2) Scheduling Fights

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  33. “There’s never a
    good time to defend
    another driver”

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  34. Schedule Fights
    ● My friends Gordon & Leah schedule a quarterly
    relationship retreat
    ○ Out of the house
    ○ Goal setting
    ○ Financial check-in
    ○ Resource allocation
    ○ & low level annoyances
    ■ “It makes me uncomfortable when you don’t use blinkers”
    ● They are very serious about this. They missed my
    birthday two years in a row to have their retreat!

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  35. “Setting aside time to work
    out disagreements allows
    both partners the space to
    regroup and prepare”
    - Deborah Grody
    Clinical Psychologist

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  36. “Most of the time, things
    are said on impulse in the
    heat of anger [...] But the
    words stay with us.”
    - Deborah Grody
    Clinical Psychologist

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  37. 3) Prefight
    (Setting Expectations)

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  38. Prefighting
    ● Have the hard conversations before you’re in the heat of
    the moment
    ● “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”
    ○ It might take 10 minutes to cover something awkward to save hours
    of an argument later

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  39. 4) Mental Health Days

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  40. Mark Freeman - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbiYVLhCcqs

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  41. Mark Freeman’s Tips on Self Care
    1. Be proactive
    2. Have a plan
    a. Don’t just do things when you feel like it
    3. Change stuff
    a. “If we can make changes and we don’t we’re part of the problem”

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  42. 5) Be Influenceable
    (Be coachable)

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  43. Be Influenceable
    ● This comes from the business world
    ○ There are studies on how thinking you’re the smartest person in the
    room (even if it’s not true) negatively impacts your performance.
    ● Don’t try to win arguments
    ○ If you ever think “I’m winning this argument” you’re not influenceable
    ● Try to learn & grow
    ○ Be curious
    ○ Build on common beliefs
    ○ Appreciate the other person’s perspective even if you disagree with
    it

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  44. 6) Respond to Feelings

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  45. Respond to Feelings
    ● Human beings are emotional machines which only
    occasionally use logic
    ○ ^ Brene Brown
    ● Emotions will always affect people. Accept people & their
    emotions as a part of the conversation.

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  46. 7) Ignore Feelings

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  47. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/too-much-emotional-intelligence-is-a-bad-thing/

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  48. “[S]ome sensitive
    individuals may assume
    responsibility for other
    people's sadness or anger,
    which ultimately stresses
    them out.”

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  49. Ignore Feelings
    ● “emotional intelligence is a useful skill to have, as long as you
    learn to also properly cope with emotions—both others' and
    your own”
    ● “emotionally perceptive people might be particularly
    susceptible to feelings of depression and hopelessness”
    ● I’m generally a fan of getting better at emotional
    intelligence. But it can be detrimental unless you know
    how to cope with the extra emotions from other people.

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  50. 8) Have Rules

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  51. Rules in Poly
    ● Some poly peeps look down on rules
    ○ They let you setup artificial limits until you can trust each other
    ● You can have temporary rules
    ○ Sunset clause from More Than Two
    ○ Ex. I agree not to kiss another partner in front of you for the next 2
    months. In 2 months we’ll have a check-in.

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  52. 9) Apology Languages

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  53. Apology Languages
    ● There are 5 apology languages
    ○ Maximum score of 20
    ● A successful apology can
    prevent the next fight
    ● https://www.5lovelanguages.c
    om/profile/apology/

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  54. 10) Vestigial Relationships

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  55. Vestigial Relationships
    ● There’s no incentive to end a mediocre relationship
    ○ In mono you have to end one relationship before starting a new one
    ● In the poly world there’s a trap of Frankenpoly where we
    try to find a partner for every need
    ○ Ex. a partner for sex, a partner for emotional needs, a partner for
    activities, etc.
    ● Every relationship takes energy
    ○ End relationships that aren’t giving you energy back

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