10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights

10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights

10 Uncommon & weird ways to prevent fights in your relationship. There's all the usual advice like "communicate more". This goes a little deeper and gives you something new to try.

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Patrick Rauland

April 13, 2019
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    10 Uncommon (& Weird) Ways to Prevent Fights Patrick Rauland

    - @BFTrick https://speakerdeck.com/bftrick/10-uncommon-and-weird-ways-to-prevent-fights
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    My Love Language(s) • I value my own time highly

    • The nicest gift you can give me is your attention ◦ Ex. Putting away your phone at a restaurant • Cuddling & holding hands is a wonderful reminder to me that you care about me • Especially in an argument
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    My Partner’s Love Language(s) • She’s a busy person so

    when I can do something for her that means a lot • Especially for her theatre company which is her baby
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    Negative Interactions • Being emotionally dismissive or critical • Becoming

    defensive • Body language such as eye-rolling can be a powerful negative interaction
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Positive Interactions • Be interested • Express affection • Intentional

    appreciation • Find opportunities for agreement • Empathize & apologize • Make jokes
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    Calendar • Having a shared calendar reduces a lot of

    miscommunication • You can schedule things for your partner ◦ Ex. parents visiting • You don’t have to ask them if they’re free
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    To Do List • A to-do list for task management

    • You can avoid “nagging” by assigning tasks to each other ◦ Ex. I can add something to the grocery list without interrupting my partner.
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    Via Audree When big conversations have to happen, you get

    naked and talk it out (optionally: in the shower). Standing allows you the inability to hide from the other person. You are completely vulnerable and have nowhere to go. No sitting because most places you would sit there are blankets or pillows to use as a shield.
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    Via Audree (cont) When you’re naked it’s a lot harder

    to: 1. Lie when you are that exposed and vulnerable with someone 2. Yell or be angry at someone, when you are naked
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    “[More naked people are] seen as experiencers: someone more capable

    of pain, pleasure, desire, sensation, and emotion”
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    “The psychologists suggest that these dimensions are actually a duality,

    and that there's a direct tradeoff between the ability to have agency and experience.”
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    Schedule Fights • My friends Gordon & Leah schedule a

    quarterly relationship retreat ◦ Out of the house ◦ Goal setting ◦ Financial check-in ◦ Resource allocation ◦ & low level annoyances ▪ “It makes me uncomfortable when you don’t use blinkers” • They are very serious about this. They missed my birthday two years in a row to have their retreat!
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    “Setting aside time to work out disagreements allows both partners

    the space to regroup and prepare” - Deborah Grody Clinical Psychologist
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    “Most of the time, things are said on impulse in

    the heat of anger [...] But the words stay with us.” - Deborah Grody Clinical Psychologist
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    Prefighting • Have the hard conversations before you’re in the

    heat of the moment • “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” ◦ It might take 10 minutes to cover something awkward to save hours of an argument later
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    Mark Freeman’s Tips on Self Care 1. Be proactive 2.

    Have a plan a. Don’t just do things when you feel like it 3. Change stuff a. “If we can make changes and we don’t we’re part of the problem”
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    Be Influenceable • This comes from the business world ◦

    There are studies on how thinking you’re the smartest person in the room (even if it’s not true) negatively impacts your performance. • Don’t try to win arguments ◦ If you ever think “I’m winning this argument” you’re not influenceable • Try to learn & grow ◦ Be curious ◦ Build on common beliefs ◦ Appreciate the other person’s perspective even if you disagree with it
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    Respond to Feelings • Human beings are emotional machines which

    only occasionally use logic ◦ ^ Brene Brown • Emotions will always affect people. Accept people & their emotions as a part of the conversation.
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    Ignore Feelings • “emotional intelligence is a useful skill to

    have, as long as you learn to also properly cope with emotions—both others' and your own” • “emotionally perceptive people might be particularly susceptible to feelings of depression and hopelessness” • I’m generally a fan of getting better at emotional intelligence. But it can be detrimental unless you know how to cope with the extra emotions from other people.
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    Rules in Poly • Some poly peeps look down on

    rules ◦ They let you setup artificial limits until you can trust each other • You can have temporary rules ◦ Sunset clause from More Than Two ◦ Ex. I agree not to kiss another partner in front of you for the next 2 months. In 2 months we’ll have a check-in.
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    Apology Languages • There are 5 apology languages ◦ Maximum

    score of 20 • A successful apology can prevent the next fight • https://www.5lovelanguages.c om/profile/apology/
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    Vestigial Relationships • There’s no incentive to end a mediocre

    relationship ◦ In mono you have to end one relationship before starting a new one • In the poly world there’s a trap of Frankenpoly where we try to find a partner for every need ◦ Ex. a partner for sex, a partner for emotional needs, a partner for activities, etc. • Every relationship takes energy ◦ End relationships that aren’t giving you energy back