Jif vs Gif and how to solve other unsolvable conflicts in the workplace

Interpersonal relationships are hard. And better yet, they're unavoidable.
The Non-Violent Communication (or NVC) methodology can be used to establish a workplace environment of mutual respect through empathy, and honest communication.
At first glance, it may seem that 'non-violent' is a superfluous adjective to put before the word 'communication'. In reality, it is the most effective way to empower everyone in an organization to be heard, and to have a voice. This workshop will take a deep dive into a concrete problem you are experiencing at work, and will give you a tool to approach workplace conflict in a constructive manner.
(Bonus: NVC can also be applied to relationships outside of the workplace).

Transcript

1. Jif vs Gif and how to solve other unsolvable conflicts in the workplace By Jacqueline Sloves
2. Who am I? • Lead iOS Engineer at Vida Health • Originally studied Philosophy at UC Berkeley • Turned to learning to code after returning from Peace Corps Ukraine • Began with JavaScript, and then specialized in iOS mobile development • When I'm not coding, I enjoy running, biking, and skiing (weather permitting)
3. Today's Workshop An Introduction to Non-Violent Communication • what it is • why it's important • the steps (with examples & interactive exercises!) • applying it in your life • Gif vs Jif
4. What is Non Violent Communication? • • ◦ ◦ • •
5. The 4 steps of NVC 1. Observation 2. Feelings 3. Need 4. Request
6. Why NVC is important The alternative:
7. Why NVC is relevant • • • • Bonus
8. Why is NVC beneficial? • • • • •
9. Step 1. Observation • State observations that are purely facts, with no component of judgment or evaluation • Set a neutral common ground for communication • You can agree on facts • "When I see/hear/notice..." Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
10. Step 1. Observation: Example Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
11. Step 1. Observation: Example You are always leaving your gross dishes in the sink. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
12. Step 1. Observation: Example You are always leaving your gross dishes in the sink. I noticed when you left for work this morning your coffee mug was in the sink. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
13. Step 1. Observation: Example Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
14. Step 1. Observation: Example You're rude. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
15. Step 1. Observation: Example You're rude. Our meeting was scheduled for 10:30 a.m., and we didn't meet until 10:50. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
16. Step 2. Feeling Name the emotion that the observation is triggering in you, without moral judgment. Use words that put the onus of control on you. "I feel… " Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
17. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like you take me for granted. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
18. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like you take me for granted. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
19. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like you take me for granted. I feel annoyed. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
20. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like no one cares what I think. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
21. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like no one cares what I think. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
22. Step 2. Feeling: Example I feel like no one cares what I think. I feel resentful/alienated/insecure. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
23. Step 3. Need • State the need that is the cause of that feeling, without morally judging • What is a need? "needs" are common to all people, • They are not tied to a particular circumstance. (this is called a strategy) i.e. You want your girlfriend/boyfriend to visit your family over the holidays. They would rather not. Wanting your partner to go to your family's is not a need. That's your strategy. The need may be for companionship, and this can be met in many ways (not just with that specific person going to the impending family gathering) Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
24. Step 3. Need: Exercise I want to feel included. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
25. Step 3. Need: Exercise I want to feel included. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
26. Step 3. Need: Exercise I need you to cooperate. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
27. Step 3. Need: Exercise I need you to cooperate. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
28. Step 3. Need: Exercise I need you to cooperate. I need cooperation/communication/respect. I want to be able to progress/excel at my job/complete my tasks on time, as I had committed to. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
29. Step 4. Request • Make a concrete request for action to meet the need just identified. • Ask clearly and specifically for what you want right now. • Do not beat around the bush, or hint or state what you don't want. • This is a request, not a demand! Nor a beg. • Allow the other person to propose an alternative. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
30. Step 4. Request Exercise I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
31. Step 4. Request Exercise I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting. Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
32. Step 4. Request Exercise I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting. Can you please tell me how you feel about what I did and what you’d like me to do differently? Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
33. Step 4. Request Exercise Can you stop changing the requirements? Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
34. Step 4. Request Exercise Can you stop changing the requirements? Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
35. Step 4. Request Exercise Can you stop changing the requirements? Can you agree to freeze 80% of the requirements? Observation | Feeling | Need | Request
36. Putting it all together When I see/hear _____, I feel _____, because my need for ______ is not being met. Would you be willing to_____?
37. GIF vs JIF When I hear you say GIF, I feel confused, because my need for communication is not being met. Would you be willing to pronounce the word GIF?
38. It can be a one-way street Ok cool, so now I know what NVC is, but no one else in my office does... How is this going to work? The beauty of this, is that one can practice it with others, without the others knowing anything about it!
39. Empathetic hearing Connect with the other person by framing questions as a step in NVC. • "I see ____" or "I am hearing ____" ← Observation • "I am wondering if you are feeling ____" ←Feeling • "Are you feeling ____ because you are needing ____?" ← Need • "Would you like it if I ____?" ← Request Example: I saw that your name wasn't mentioned in the acknowledgements. Are you feeling resentful because you're not getting the appreciation you need? Would you like it if I added your name as a contributor?
40. Applying this to #engineeringlife • Manage-up, manage-down, manage-from-the-middle • Code reviews • Inter-team communication • Any interpersonal relationship
41. When NVC Doesn't Work • When it's being used to control or manipulate others • Purposeful attacks - bullying, abuse, harassment • More direct and immediate communication is necessary • Respect that others may not communicate the same way you do, they may not want to state their needs • Recognize that others can say no to a request https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kod7xggeHko
42. Your Turn :) • What are some conflicts you are experiencing? • How would you handle this in an NVC way?
43. Conclusion When trying to resolve conflict: It's important to have empathy for yourself and others. • Create common neutral ground via your observation. • To then state your feeling, • Self-reflect and identify what need is not being met, • and have one request to discuss. Non-Violent Communication is one of many methods to resolving conflict.
44. Resources http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication https://nonviolentcommunication.com/store/images/pdf/2a_nvc_exercises.pdf http://anvc.svenhartenstein.de/en/1/ http://www.wanttoknow.info/inspiration/nonviolent_communication_summary_nvc
45. Keep in Touch! jacqueline.sloves@gmail.com @jacquelionroars @jacquelion Thanks for attending. Happy NVCing :)