Working with Controlling People

Are there people in your teams or workplaces who are sabotaging wellbeing with controlling behaviours? People who blameshift, criticise, hoard knowledge, can’t accept feedback, openly or passively stonewall, do so for a reason.

We will take a look at different types of controlling behaviours and the motivations behind why people use them. We will explore how to recognise when we are around a controlling person (or being inappropriately controlling ourselves), how to set healthy boundaries and change power imbalances so that we can get on with doing our best work.

Speaker Bio:

Julia Harper is passionate about transforming people and the systems in which they thrive. She loves to connect people with their true purpose, supporting them to form deeply relational communities that sharpen each other’s world. Her greatest excitement is helping people get unstuck from self-limiting beliefs, unlock the true depths of their skills and talents, and progress into leadership.

With a career spanning coaching, tech, and business, and degrees in Law, Commerce, and a Masters degree in Counselling, Julia has unique insights on how you can be your best. For over 15 years, she has helped clients both individually and in groups to discover a more fulfilling and purposeful life.

Transcript

1. HOW TO WORK WITH CONTROLLING PEOPLE 0410 467 950 julia@leadershipofawesome.com https://www.linkedin.com/in/ julia-harper-91b1082/ Julia Harper https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/Leadership-of-Awesome/
3. PERSONAL BOUNDARIES - IDENTITY ELEMENTS Words, Attitudes Thoughts, Beliefs Feelings, Emotions Body, Health Choices, Reactions Actions, Behaviours Skills, Effort, Learning Dreams, Passions Money, Time, Energy Consequences Location
4. WHAT IS CONTROL? 1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command 2. to hold in check; curb ➤ Control is a boundary violation of another person ➤ legitimate versus illegitimate control
5. HOW PEOPLE CONTROL ➤ Passive/Indirect ➤ Hoard information ➤ Moodiness, withdrawal, silence ➤ Shaming, guilting, manipulation, helplessness ➤ Blaming, excuses, gossip, false confidences, scheming ➤ Agressive/Direct ➤ Using commands, aggressive language, insults ➤ Dominating conversation and decisions, no feedback ➤ Physical intimidation, violence ➤ Controlling resources eg time, money
7. “ People’s behaviour makes sense if you think about it in terms of their goals, needs, and motives” -Thomas Mann
8. WHY - CONTROL, FEAR, SHAME CYCLE FEAR CONTROL SHAME Fear of: ➤ Exposure ➤ Failure ➤ Rejection ➤ Abandonment ➤ Disapproval Shame because I am: ➤ Defective ➤ A mistake ➤ Bad Use control to: ➤ Hide my true self ➤ Make things predictable ➤ Make things safe ➤ Avoid pain and hurt Painful
9. HOW DOES OUR IDENTITY BECOME SHAME? Healthy shame is a feedback mechanism that alerts us to change inappropriate behaviour Unhealthy/Toxic Shame is where we can’t separate the inappropriate behaviour from our identity. Toxic Shame is caused in childhood by our parents, grandparents, family system, or people in positions of authority over us eg teachers, sports coaches. It is the product of boundary violations: ➤ Abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual) ➤ Neglect ➤ Enmeshment - collective needs trump the individual Because we have no solid identity of our own, we are trying to get inside another person’s identity to feel safe = boundary violations
10. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: WHAT ARE MY RESPONSIBILITIES? Words, Attitudes Thoughts, Beliefs Feelings, Emotions Body, Health Choices, Reactions Actions, Behaviours Skills, Effort, Learning Dreams, Passions Money, Time, Energy Consequences Location
11. SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Figure out what you want to stand for, not against. Create a solid identity to anchor you ➤ Decide on the boundary you want to create ➤ Communicate that boundary to the relevant people ➤ Persevere when the boundary is challenged This is a lifelong work, keep at it!
12. FIXING IT - INTERNAL WORK ➤ Take a deep breath, remember it’s not personal, calm yourself before responding, release the person to be who they are, have compassion ➤ Stop trespassing or going onto rescue missions into other people’s circles - taking responsibility for other adults is dysfunctional (except crisis) ➤ If it’s in your circle, it’s your responsibility. If you don’t know how to do it, get help to learn ➤ Work is for meeting your learning and growth needs, and to contribute your skills to company objectives in exchange for money. ➤ If you’re looking for approval, nurture or self-esteem at work, you are looking to meet unresolved childhood wounds - get help ➤ Identify your emotional triggers and get your needs met in healthy places, learn your energy limits and say no ➤ Join an accountability group, get therapy, get a coach, read a book, practice good boundaries with real people, fix your relationships, cultivate outside interests
13. FIXING IT - PRACTICAL STEPS ➤ Read your employment contracts, job descriptions, policies and know what your expectations and rights are ➤ Sit with your manager to clarify job descriptions if your role has been changed/eroded - use goal setting agenda ➤ Focus on your skills and knowledge gaps, continual learning ➤ Become awesome at what you do, build that reputation ➤ Have a financial safety net if you need to walk away, explore outside prospects ➤ Reduce alone time with the controlling person ➤ Keep records of incidents and report issues through company grievance if necessary (especially for narcissistic personalities)
14. “Control yourself or someone else will control you.” -Anonymous
15. ➤ When you think about controlling people in your life, is there a pattern? Are these people more passive or aggressive controllers? ➤ Think of times when you have had good boundaries with others - what factors helped you create this situation? ➤ Choose an area of practice for developing healthy boundaries. Discuss a goal for growing in this area. ➤ Discuss scenarios using personal circles. What belongs in their circle and what belongs in yours? Discussion Topics