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Expanding Your Empathy

Kronda Adair
September 19, 2014

Expanding Your Empathy

I believe empathy is the core competency that is missing from much of the efforts to push the tech community in a direction towards more diversity of all kinds. Companies, communities and conferences cannot expect everything to magically change until they're willing to go deep and examine the systemic patterns and structures that keep underrepresented communities from feeling safe and welcome in the tech space.

When confronting racism results in a critique of the manner in which the offender was confronted by the people calling themselves supporters, it makes it that much harder to address the real issues.

If a man's first response to a woman complaining about a sexist incident or a sexual assault is to defend all the men who 'aren't like that,' that shows a lack of empathy. It keeps the focus on how men are being perceived, not empathizing with a woman who has been hurt.

This talk is for people in positions of all sorts of privilege who consider themselves allies to underrepresented minorities and want to learn how to be more effective allies.

We'll talk about what it's like to live as a minority--why someone might have what seems to you like an 'overreaction' to something that seems small.

How to stop, drop, and empathize before you go on the personal defensive for anger that's directed at a group that you happen to be a part of, even if you didn't specifically do anything wrong.

We'll talk about tone policing, derailing, man-splaining and other hurtful behaviors that are sometimes practiced by well meaning people who consider themselves allies.

Presented at:

Open Source Bridge 2013 http://opensourcebridge.org/sessions/1148
Madison Ruby 2014 http://madisonruby.org

Further reading: http://kronda.com/diversity-101

Kronda Adair

September 19, 2014
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Transcript

  1. EXPANDING  YOUR
    EMPATHY
    Kronda  Adair  
    !
    karveldigital.com  
    kronda.com
    @kronda  @karveldigital

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  2. Hashtag:  
    #BTCempathy

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  3. em  •  path  •  thy
    !
    the  ability  to  understand  and  share  
    the  feelings  of  another.

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  5. hNp://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/editorials/2013/03/15/gay-­‐couples-­‐also-­‐deserve-­‐chance-­‐to-­‐get-­‐married.html

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  6. “Knowing  that  my  son  is  gay  prompted  
    me  to  consider  the  issue  from  another  
    perspecXve:  that  of  a  dad  who  wants  all  
    three  of  his  kids  to  lead  happy,  
    meaningful  lives  with  the  people  they  
    love,  a  blessing  Jane  and  I  have  shared  
    for  26  years.”  
                          ~  Rob  Portman

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  7. https://twitter.com/anildash/status/312593101103452160

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  8. Why  are  we  talking
    about  this?  

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  9. Sync designed by Rohith M S from the thenounproject.com

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  10. var  oppression  =  funcXon(event,  reacXon,  backlash)    {  
    var  backlash  =  array[  
    'insults',    
    'verbal  abuse'    
    'death  threats',    
    'doxing',    
    'rape  threats’];  
         var  reacXon  =  'That\’s  not  cool’;  
    while  (event  >  0)  {  
           backlash  =  (reacXon  *  1000);  
           //break  
    }  
     }  
    oppression();

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  11. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  12. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  13. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  14. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  15. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  16. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  17. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  18. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  

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  19. Text
    h"p://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Timeline_of_incidents

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  20. How  do  we  change  the  
    paNern?

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  21. View Slide

  22. View Slide

  23. Homogenous  Teams  are  not  
    sustainable

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  24. We  all  live  in  a  bubble
    Photo  by  Emilio  Labrador  on  Flickr:  hNp://www.flickr.com/photos/3059349393/

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  25. Marginalization    vs    Privilege
    •People  of  color  
    •Transgender  people  
    •Differently-­‐abled  
    •Mental  illness  
    •Fat  
    •Let-­‐handed  
    •Gay  /  Bi  /  Lesbian  
    •Poor  
    •Don’t  like  beer  
    •Rich  
    •Male  
    •Cis-­‐gender  
    •White  
    •English-­‐speaking  
    •Able-­‐bodied  
    •Young  
    •ConvenXonally  
    aNracXve  

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  26. WHY  ARE  YOU  SO  ANGRY?

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  27. How  privilege  is  like  
    browsers

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  28. White  straight  male:  Latest  Chrome
    (Max  OS  of  course)

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  29. middle  class  Black  lesbian:  IE7

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  30. Differently  abled  trans  person  of  color:    IE6
    (In  quirks  mode)

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  31. We’re  looking  at  the  
    same  things,  but  we  
    don’t  see  them  the  
    same  way.  SomeXmes  
    we  don’t  see  them  at  
    all.

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  32. Marginalized  people  
    experience  
    microaggressions    
    every  day.

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  33. View Slide

  34. View Slide

  35. View Slide

  36. View Slide

  37. 10  micro-­‐aggressions  
    per  day  *  365  days  *  32  
    years  =  
    116,800

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  38. View Slide

  39. Things  to  Avoid:

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  40. Things  to  Avoid:
    1.  Derailing

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  41. Things  to  Avoid:
    1.  Derailing
    2.  Tone  Policing

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  42. Things  to  Avoid:
    1.  Derailing
    2.  Tone  Policing
    3.  *splaining

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  43. Derailing
    Not all _____

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  44. Tone  Policing
    I  would  be  on  your  side  if  you  
    just  wouldn't  be  so  ANGRY.  
    Why  can't  we  just  hug  it  out?  
       
    hNp://storify.com/kronda/tone-­‐policing

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  45. Tone  Policing

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  46. Mansplaining
    Hey  liNle  lady,  let  me  tell  you  
    what  it’s  like  to  be  a  woman.  
       
    hNp://mansplained.tumblr.com

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  47. So  now  what?
    Photo  by  Mark  Roy  on  Flickr:  hNp://www.flickr.com/photos/electricnerve/

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  48. How  I  learned  to  stop  
    worrying  and  apologize  
    when  I  screw  up

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  49. https://twitter.com/mrtazz/statuses/446653986754813952

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  50. Three  Step  Plan

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  51. Three  Step  Plan
    1.  STOP

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  52. Three  Step  Plan
    1.  STOP
    2.  LISTEN

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  53. Three  Step  Plan
    1.  STOP
    2.  LISTEN
    3.  APOLOGIZE

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  54. Three  Step  Plan
    1.  STOP
    2.  LISTEN
    3.  APOLOGIZE
    http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/

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  55. Three  Step  Plan

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  56. Three  Step  Plan

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  57. Evaluate  your  circle

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  58. Branch  out  of  your  comfort  zone
    hNp://listverse.com/2012/11/23/top-­‐10-­‐unusual-­‐animal-­‐friendships/

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  59. READ  &  LISTEN
    •  TwiNer  
    •  Books  (FicXon  and  Non-­‐ficXon)  
    •  Discussion  Groups

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  60. hNps://twiNer.com/kronda/lists/social-­‐jusXce

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  61. How  would  work  
    change  if  empathy  was  
    championed  as  a  core  
    value  in  a  company?  

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  62. ascendproject.org  

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  63.  Designing  
    Community

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  64. CreaXng  safe  spaces  
    allows  people  to  do  their  
    best  work.  
    !

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  65. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,  
    not  a  state  of  being

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  66. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,  
    not  a  state  of  being
    1.  Listen

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  67. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,  
    not  a  state  of  being
    1.  Listen
    2.  Share  what  you  learn

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  68. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,  
    not  a  state  of  being
    1.  Listen
    2.  Share  what  you  learn
    3.  Speak  up  for  others

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  69. THANKS!
    @kronda
    kronda.com/diversity-­‐101

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  70. InspiraXon  &  Contributors
    !
    Adria Richards @adriarichards

    Anita Sarkeesian @femfreq

    Julie Ann Horvath @nrrrdcore

    Ashe Dryden @ashedryden

    Julie Pagano @juliepagano

    Paul Fenwick @pjf

    Sam Livingston-Gray @geeksam

    Anil Dash @anildash

    Daniel Schauenberg @mrtazz

    Willow

    Oz & Xander @stateofthecat

    !

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