Expanding Your Empathy

I believe empathy is the core competency that is missing from much of the efforts to push the tech community in a direction towards more diversity of all kinds. Companies, communities and conferences cannot expect everything to magically change until they're willing to go deep and examine the systemic patterns and structures that keep underrepresented communities from feeling safe and welcome in the tech space.

When confronting racism results in a critique of the manner in which the offender was confronted by the people calling themselves supporters, it makes it that much harder to address the real issues.

If a man's first response to a woman complaining about a sexist incident or a sexual assault is to defend all the men who 'aren't like that,' that shows a lack of empathy. It keeps the focus on how men are being perceived, not empathizing with a woman who has been hurt.

This talk is for people in positions of all sorts of privilege who consider themselves allies to underrepresented minorities and want to learn how to be more effective allies.

We'll talk about what it's like to live as a minority--why someone might have what seems to you like an 'overreaction' to something that seems small.

How to stop, drop, and empathize before you go on the personal defensive for anger that's directed at a group that you happen to be a part of, even if you didn't specifically do anything wrong.

We'll talk about tone policing, derailing, man-splaining and other hurtful behaviors that are sometimes practiced by well meaning people who consider themselves allies.

Presented at:

Open Source Bridge 2013 http://opensourcebridge.org/sessions/1148
Madison Ruby 2014 http://madisonruby.org

Further reading: http://kronda.com/diversity-101

Transcript

1. EXPANDING  YOUR
   EMPATHY Kronda  Adair   ! karveldigital.com   kronda.com
   @kronda  @karveldigital
2. Hashtag:  
   #BTCempathy
3. em  •  path  •  thy
   ! the  ability  to  understand  and  share  
   the  feelings  of  another.
5. hNp://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/editorials/2013/03/15/gay-­‐couples-­‐also-­‐deserve-­‐chance-­‐to-­‐get-­‐married.html
6. “Knowing  that  my  son  is  gay  prompted   me  to  consider  the  issue  from  another   perspecXve:  that  of  a  dad  who  wants  all   three  of  his  kids  to  lead  happy,   meaningful  lives  with  the  people  they   love,  a  blessing  Jane  and  I  have  shared   for  26  years.”  
                         ~  Rob  Portman
   
7. https://twitter.com/anildash/status/312593101103452160
8. Why  are  we  talking
   about  this?  
9. Sync designed by Rohith M S from the thenounproject.com
10. var  oppression  =  funcXon(event,  reacXon,  backlash)    {   var  backlash  =  array[   'insults',     'verbal  abuse'     'death  threats',     'doxing',     'rape  threats’];        var  reacXon  =  'That\’s  not  cool’;   while  (event  >  0)  {          backlash  =  (reacXon  *  1000);          //break   }    }   oppression();
11. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
12. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
13. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
14. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
15. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
16. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
17. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
18. h"p://femfreq.tumblr.com/post/52673540142/twi"er-­‐vs-­‐female-­‐protagonists-­‐in-­‐video-­‐games  
19. Text h"p://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Timeline_of_incidents
20. How  do  we  change  the   paNern?
23. Homogenous  Teams  are  not   sustainable
24. We  all  live  in  a  bubble Photo  by  Emilio  Labrador  on  Flickr:  hNp://www.flickr.com/photos/3059349393/
25. Marginalization    vs    Privilege •People  of  color   •Transgender  people   •Differently-­‐abled   •Mental  illness   •Fat   •Let-­‐handed   •Gay  /  Bi  /  Lesbian   •Poor   •Don’t  like  beer   •Rich   •Male   •Cis-­‐gender   •White   •English-­‐speaking   •Able-­‐bodied   •Young   •ConvenXonally   aNracXve  
26. WHY  ARE  YOU  SO  ANGRY?
27. How  privilege  is  like   browsers
28. White  straight  male:  Latest  Chrome (Max  OS  of  course)
29. middle  class  Black  lesbian:  IE7
30. Differently  abled  trans  person  of  color:    IE6 (In  quirks  mode)
31. We’re  looking  at  the   same  things,  but  we   don’t  see  them  the   same  way.  SomeXmes   we  don’t  see  them  at   all.
32. Marginalized  people   experience   microaggressions     every  day.
37. 10  micro-­‐aggressions   per  day  *  365  days  *  32   years  =  
    116,800
    
39. Things  to  Avoid:
40. Things  to  Avoid: 1.  Derailing
41. Things  to  Avoid: 1.  Derailing 2.  Tone  Policing
42. Things  to  Avoid: 1.  Derailing 2.  Tone  Policing 3.  *splaining
43. Derailing Not all _____
44. Tone  Policing I  would  be  on  your  side  if  you   just  wouldn't  be  so  ANGRY.   Why  can't  we  just  hug  it  out?       hNp://storify.com/kronda/tone-­‐policing
45. Tone  Policing
46. Mansplaining Hey  liNle  lady,  let  me  tell  you   what  it’s  like  to  be  a  woman.       hNp://mansplained.tumblr.com
47. So  now  what? Photo  by  Mark  Roy  on  Flickr:  hNp://www.flickr.com/photos/electricnerve/
48. How  I  learned  to  stop   worrying  and  apologize   when  I  screw  up
49. https://twitter.com/mrtazz/statuses/446653986754813952
50. Three  Step  Plan
51. Three  Step  Plan 1.  STOP
52. Three  Step  Plan 1.  STOP 2.  LISTEN
53. Three  Step  Plan 1.  STOP 2.  LISTEN 3.  APOLOGIZE
54. Three  Step  Plan 1.  STOP 2.  LISTEN 3.  APOLOGIZE http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/
55. Three  Step  Plan
56. Three  Step  Plan
57. Evaluate  your  circle
58. Branch  out  of  your  comfort  zone hNp://listverse.com/2012/11/23/top-­‐10-­‐unusual-­‐animal-­‐friendships/
59. READ  &  LISTEN •  TwiNer   •  Books  (FicXon  and  Non-­‐ficXon)   •  Discussion  Groups
60. hNps://twiNer.com/kronda/lists/social-­‐jusXce
61. How  would  work   change  if  empathy  was   championed  as  a  core   value  in  a  company?  
62. ascendproject.org  
    
63.  Designing   Community
64. CreaXng  safe  spaces   allows  people  to  do  their   best  work.   !
65. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,   not  a  state  of  being
66. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,   not  a  state  of  being 1.  Listen
67. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,   not  a  state  of  being 1.  Listen 2.  Share  what  you  learn
68. Being  a  good  ally  is  a  process,   not  a  state  of  being 1.  Listen 2.  Share  what  you  learn 3.  Speak  up  for  others
69. THANKS! @kronda
    kronda.com/diversity-­‐101
70. InspiraXon  &  Contributors ! Adria Richards @adriarichards Anita Sarkeesian @femfreq Julie Ann Horvath @nrrrdcore Ashe Dryden @ashedryden Julie Pagano @juliepagano Paul Fenwick @pjf Sam Livingston-Gray @geeksam Anil Dash @anildash Daniel Schauenberg @mrtazz Willow Oz & Xander @stateofthecat !