More Constraints Please

715538351c6be6d67ba658fed4322fec?s=47 Tal Raviv
October 15, 2019

More Constraints Please

715538351c6be6d67ba658fed4322fec?s=128

Tal Raviv

October 15, 2019
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  1. 30.
  2. 34.

    @talraviv talraviv.org A couple years back I visited home on

    Jewish new year (rosh hashana) even though we’re not observant, my dad wanted to go to synagogue
  3. 35.

    @talraviv talraviv.org A couple years back I visited home on

    Jewish new year (rosh hashana) even though we’re not observant, my dad wanted to go to synagogue I really didn’t feel like it, but I could tell he really wanted to
  4. 37.

    @talraviv talraviv.org I hadn’t been in what felt like a

    decade and I didn’t have the energy that day to see ALL these people from way back
  5. 39.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We arrived mid-service (as a family we’ve never

    arrived on time to anything related to Judaism)
  6. 40.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We arrived mid-service (as a family we’ve never

    arrived on time to anything related to Judaism) And I looked around and felt something really really strong
  7. 41.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We arrived mid-service (as a family we’ve never

    arrived on time to anything related to Judaism) And I looked around and felt something really really strong (No, it wasn’t the almighty, relax)
  8. 42.

    @talraviv talraviv.org It was the feeling of seeing people I’d

    known for decades, all standing in the same places.
  9. 43.

    @talraviv talraviv.org It was the feeling of seeing people I’d

    known for decades, all standing in the same places. Just a little greyer, a little more hunched over, a little taller, a little skinnier, a little chubbier.
  10. 44.

    @talraviv talraviv.org It was the feeling of seeing people I’d

    known for decades, all standing in the same places. Just a little greyer, a little more hunched over, a little taller, a little skinnier, a little chubbier. The same people. Standing in the same places.
  11. 45.

    @talraviv talraviv.org It really touched me that I could experience

    seeing something like that. It felt very… human.
  12. 47.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And here’s the thing… These aren’t people I’d

    necessarily pick as my friends. These definitely aren’t my parents’ best friends.
  13. 48.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And here’s the thing… These aren’t people I’d

    necessarily pick as my friends. These definitely aren’t my parents’ best friends. All we all had in common was that our homes were within walking distance of a particular synagogue.
  14. 49.

    @talraviv talraviv.org For my family, it was total coincidence we

    found ourselves living there in the 90s and 00s.
  15. 50.

    @talraviv talraviv.org For my family, it was total coincidence we

    found ourselves living there in the 90s and 00s. My (secular Israeli) parents bought their first home, and two weeks later the (orthodox) Rabbi and his family moved in literally across the street and started a synagogue nearby.
  16. 51.

    @talraviv talraviv.org For my family, it was total coincidence we

    found ourselves living there in the 90s and 00s. My (secular Israeli) parents bought their first home, and two weeks later the (orthodox) Rabbi and his family moved in literally across the street and started a synagogue nearby.
  17. 54.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And that’s how we became part of a

    community. When something happened we all knew and helped.
  18. 55.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And that’s how we became part of a

    community. When something happened we all knew and helped. When the rabbi had too many guests visiting town and not enough beds, people stayed at our house.
  19. 56.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And that’s how we became part of a

    community. When something happened we all knew and helped. When the rabbi had too many guests visiting town and not enough beds, people stayed at our house. The same kids I played with and fought with in the neighborhood were the ones I’d see on Saturday or eat dinner with Friday night.
  20. 70.

    @talraviv talraviv.org community means and the stronger the community the

    good-er and human-er it feels ok fine to me it means people you truly count on to show up for you
  21. 71.

    @talraviv talraviv.org community means and the stronger the community the

    good-er and human-er it feels ok fine to me it means people you truly count on to show up for you and it wouldn’t be weird
  22. 72.

    @talraviv talraviv.org community means and I think that level of

    showing up comes from knowing the people around you a long time
  23. 87.

    @talraviv talraviv.org The United Nations Happiness Report consistently ranks Israel

    right after with Finland, Norway, Denmark, Switzerland, Netherlands, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia And consistently ahead of the US, UK, France, etc
  24. 89.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And it’s not exactly your homogeneous northern European

    country. https://www.brookings.edu/articles/diversity-in-israel-lessons-for-the-united-states/
  25. 90.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Prof. Layard is one of the authors of

    the annual UN report: “It is especially important to mention that the social support measurement in Israel is exceptionally high, Layard has noted. This is because the Israeli family is more resilient and has disintegrated less than the institution of the family in Europe and the United States. It has remained a major system of identity and support because of the geographical closeness and the close ties between parents and children in Israel – at all ages.” https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-low-incomes-high-prices-and-wars-so-why-are-israelis-so- happy-1.6391253
  26. 91.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Prof. Layard is one of the authors of

    the annual UN report: “It is especially important to mention that the social support measurement in Israel is exceptionally high, Layard has noted. This is because the Israeli family is more resilient and has disintegrated less than the institution of the family in Europe and the United States. It has remained a major system of identity and support because of the geographical closeness and the close ties between parents and children in Israel – at all ages.” https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-low-incomes-high-prices-and-wars-so-why-are-israelis-so- happy-1.6391253
  27. 95.

    @talraviv talraviv.org https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Panorama_of_Tel_Aviv.jpg You might even stay the weekend and

    return with tupperware full of leftovers. Not only is it normal, people sympathize if you don’t.
  28. 97.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Being a tiny country, stuck between Asia and

    Africa, surrounded by not-best-friends turns out to have a silver lining.
  29. 103.

    @talraviv talraviv.org I found this also is true of friendships:

    Unlike my life in the US, Israelis can’t really get too far from their close friends from each phase of life. And this changes the meaning of friendship.
  30. 104.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Whenever I pass a group of 4, 5,

    6, 7 or more friends sitting together around a table at a cafe in Tel Aviv…
  31. 105.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Whenever I pass a group of 4, 5,

    6, 7 or more friends sitting together around a table at a cafe in Tel Aviv… …I feel sad and jealous.
  32. 106.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Whenever I pass a group of 4, 5,

    6, 7 or more friends sitting together around a table at a cafe in Tel Aviv… …I feel sad and jealous. I know no matter how many friendships and connections I’ve made in my life, it’ll be a long time before I have that.
  33. 108.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Israel is still an individualist place, with lots

    of tech, and widening wealth gap. Israelis move to the US/Europe when given the chance.
  34. 109.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Israel is still an individualist place, with lots

    of tech, and widening wealth gap. Israelis move to the US/Europe when given the chance. People aren’t staying for altruistic principles. It’s simply not easy to pick up and move.
  35. 118.

    @talraviv talraviv.org constraints are real spatial/geographical implications long-term (think decades

    not years) not easily modified or gotten around …less crossfit or soulcycle or SF co-op house or your startup “family”
  36. 122.

    @talraviv talraviv.org constraints are tough religious beliefs discrimination (skin color,

    sexual orientation, etc.) economic (income, resources, obligation)
  37. 123.

    @talraviv talraviv.org constraints are tough religious beliefs discrimination (skin color,

    sexual orientation, etc.) economic (income, resources, obligation) geopolitical (borders, visas, etc.)
  38. 124.

    @talraviv talraviv.org constraints are tough religious beliefs discrimination (skin color,

    sexual orientation, etc.) economic (income, resources, obligation) geopolitical (borders, visas, etc.) security, safety, health
  39. 130.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years weaker ties shared interests all people you like your work life measured in years
  40. 131.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years weaker ties shared interests all people you like your work life measured in years stronger ties
  41. 132.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years reasons bigger than you weaker ties shared interests all people you like your work life measured in years stronger ties
  42. 133.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years reasons bigger than you people you didn’t choose weaker ties shared interests all people you like your work life measured in years stronger ties
  43. 134.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years reasons bigger than you people you didn’t choose your personal life weaker ties shared interests all people you like your work life measured in years stronger ties
  44. 135.

    @talraviv talraviv.org shared interests all people you like your work

    life measured in years stronger ties reasons bigger than you people you didn’t choose your personal life measured in decades weaker ties
  45. 136.
  46. 137.

    @talraviv talraviv.org think about, when you start somewhere new, how

    quickly people befriend and embrace you the weaker the constraint, the longer it takes to warm up to you e.g. new jiu jitsu gym or neighbors in a big city
  47. 138.

    @talraviv talraviv.org think about, when you start somewhere new, how

    quickly people befriend and embrace you the weaker the constraint, the longer it takes to warm up to you e.g. new jiu jitsu gym or neighbors in a big city the stronger the constraint, the faster they get to know you e.g. kids preschool, niche religious community
  48. 140.

    @talraviv talraviv.org I’ve had no real constraints ever: I got

    a great education I work in a thriving industry where it’s normal to jump around I’m male, white, straight, and I have a US passport I’m atheist/liberal/humanist/millenial bla bla bla
  49. 142.

    @talraviv talraviv.org And it appears… The most “successful” people in

    the world, in the biggest economy, with the best educations, and the most options in front of them
  50. 149.

    @talraviv talraviv.org and combined with a huge country with tons

    of opportunities and big cities, it’s lonely AF
  51. 152.
  52. 153.

    @talraviv talraviv.org “But I’m not lonely, my schedule is packed!

    I have work happy hour, then soul cycle, then burning man camp meetings,
  53. 154.

    @talraviv talraviv.org “But I’m not lonely, my schedule is packed!

    I have work happy hour, then soul cycle, then burning man camp meetings, then like five birthdays this weekend,
  54. 155.

    @talraviv talraviv.org “But I’m not lonely, my schedule is packed!

    I have work happy hour, then soul cycle, then burning man camp meetings, then like five birthdays this weekend, and I’m in charge of co-op dinner this week.”
  55. 156.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Ask yourself, how many of those people in

    your surroundings can you count on being there for you if you had a vulnerable, life-altering event and needed major, inconvenient help and support?
  56. 157.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Ask yourself, how many of those people in

    your surroundings can you count on being there for you if you had a vulnerable, life-altering event and needed major, inconvenient help and support? Or simpler, how many of those people can you count on to be there for you in 20 years?
  57. 158.

    @talraviv talraviv.org To paraphrase a friend who grew up in

    India before moving to the US: “I have the busiest social life, and I’ve never been lonelier.”
  58. 162.

    @talraviv talraviv.org By implicitly acting with individualism as my top

    value in life, I’ve implicitly given up one of the most human of experiences: being surrounded by people I’ve known for a very long time.
  59. 164.

    @talraviv talraviv.org But how the hell do I let go

    of my optionality? As someone who’s grown up with strong implicit individualism, and constantly processing how do I keep all options open…
  60. 165.

    @talraviv talraviv.org But how the hell do I let go

    of my optionality? As someone who’s grown up with strong implicit individualism, and constantly processing how do I keep all options open… …how do I do this?
  61. 172.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Spoiler alert: So, I personally moved to the

    island in the mideast, took a ~30% salary cut,
  62. 173.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Spoiler alert: So, I personally moved to the

    island in the mideast, took a ~30% salary cut, pay SF-level taxes and prices,
  63. 174.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Spoiler alert: So, I personally moved to the

    island in the mideast, took a ~30% salary cut, pay SF-level taxes and prices, and deal with new types of shit.
  64. 175.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Spoiler alert: So, I personally moved to the

    island in the mideast, took a ~30% salary cut, pay SF-level taxes and prices, and deal with new types of shit. omg the internet here is slow
  65. 176.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Spoiler alert: So, I personally moved to the

    island in the mideast, took a ~30% salary cut, pay SF-level taxes and prices, and deal with new types of shit. omg the internet here is slow also, politics, security, and inequalities…
  66. 177.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Sure, I didn’t grow up here, so I

    don’t immediately get to enjoy all the benefits of this:
  67. 178.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Sure, I didn’t grow up here, so I

    don’t immediately get to enjoy all the benefits of this:
  68. 179.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Sure, I didn’t grow up here, so I

    don’t immediately get to enjoy all the benefits of this: But I do immediately get to experience this:
  69. 180.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Sure, I didn’t grow up here, so I

    don’t immediately get to enjoy all the benefits of this: But I do immediately get to experience this:
  70. 182.

    @talraviv talraviv.org But I have far more family here as

    many close friends as anywhere else
  71. 183.

    @talraviv talraviv.org But I have far more family here as

    many close friends as anywhere else and long term, it’ll pay off
  72. 188.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Ask yourself whether your current community is going

    to last decades - or just a few years’ cycle. first look at your life now
  73. 189.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Ask yourself whether your current community is going

    to last decades - or just a few years’ cycle. Is your community defined by a constraint that’s not simple to get out of? first look at your life now
  74. 190.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Ask yourself whether your current community is going

    to last decades - or just a few years’ cycle. Is your community defined by a constraint that’s not simple to get out of? If by choice, has your community been around for decades before you came along? Have individuals been dedicating themselves for decades? first look at your life now
  75. 192.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Do something that’s got clear positives for you

    Revisit those changes you’ve wanted to make but were held back by the sacrifices it would entail. start looking for constraints
  76. 193.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Do something that’s got clear positives for you

    Revisit those changes you’ve wanted to make but were held back by the sacrifices it would entail. Like moving closer to family. Or leaving a major economic hub. start looking for constraints
  77. 194.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Do something that’s got clear positives for you

    Revisit those changes you’ve wanted to make but were held back by the sacrifices it would entail. Like moving closer to family. Or leaving a major economic hub. Be okay with closing some doors and sacrificing options. State out loud what you’re giving up. Is it money? Is it career heights? Potential career paths? start looking for constraints
  78. 195.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Do something that’s got clear positives for you

    Revisit those changes you’ve wanted to make but were held back by the sacrifices it would entail. Like moving closer to family. Or leaving a major economic hub. Be okay with closing some doors and sacrificing options. State out loud what you’re giving up. Is it money? Is it career heights? Potential career paths? Don’t overhaul your life. Make small changes over time. In my case of moving to Tel Aviv, I work in the same industry, fluent in the language, have extended family, and my parents visit them a ton, so it’s less dramatic than it might seem. Maybe from here I should start going to synagogue? Or have kids so they can go to preschool? Or move to a smaller town in the desert/up north? People in my family have done both. But not all at once. start looking for constraints
  79. 196.

    @talraviv talraviv.org A close friend wrote: “Imagine something bad happened

    to my parents health-wise. It would be awful. But it would give me the easiest decision as far as where to move. And where to settle.” “And then I wonder: why am I waiting for a tragedy?”
  80. 197.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Giving up things like money and success is

    hard. Another close friend who left SF framed it: “By moving to [new city] I’m gonna have fewer business opportunities than before.”
  81. 198.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Giving up things like money and success is

    hard. Another close friend who left SF framed it: “By moving to [new region] I’m gonna have fewer business opportunities than before.” “So I ask myself, how much money would someone have to pay me to undo the decision and move back to SF?”
  82. 199.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Giving up things like money and success is

    hard. Another close friend who left SF framed it: “By moving to [new region] I’m gonna have fewer business opportunities than before.” “So I ask myself, how much money would someone have to pay me to undo the decision and move back to SF?” “…it would have to be a lot of money. Like 10x more than I’m giving up.”
  83. 200.

    @talraviv talraviv.org Of course, being stuck somewhere thanks to constraints

    you don’t control, can be really bad. I know plenty of people who’ve rightfully worked hard to escape too much constraint.
  84. 201.

    @talraviv talraviv.org What I wanna say here is simply that

    maybe we can peel back our individualism a little bit.
  85. 202.
  86. 203.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art,
  87. 204.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity,
  88. 205.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family,
  89. 206.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love,
  90. 207.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships,
  91. 208.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc.
  92. 209.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations,
  93. 210.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations, difficulties,
  94. 211.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations, difficulties, collective crisis,
  95. 212.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations, difficulties, collective crisis, times of need,
  96. 213.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations, difficulties, collective crisis, times of need, disasters,
  97. 214.

    @talraviv talraviv.org If you think about some of the most

    human and beautiful parts of life, art, creativity, family, love, relationships, identity… etc. they also thrive on limitations, difficulties, collective crisis, times of need, disasters, lack of resources, etc.
  98. 215.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We were born to deal with constraints -

    that’s nature, and that’s humanity.
  99. 216.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We were born to deal with constraints -

    that’s nature, and that’s humanity.
  100. 217.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We were born to deal with constraints -

    that’s nature, and that’s humanity.
  101. 218.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We were born to deal with constraints -

    that’s nature, and that’s humanity.
  102. 219.

    @talraviv talraviv.org We were born to deal with constraints -

    that’s nature, and that’s humanity.
  103. 242.

    @talraviv talraviv.org and as you know, I like hanging out

    with people I’ve known for a while
  104. 247.
  105. 248.

    @talraviv talraviv.org take Austin level arts and music, combine with

    beachside SoCal, fill it with NY people, and give it a European vibe,
  106. 249.

    @talraviv talraviv.org take Austin level arts and music, combine with

    beachside SoCal, fill it with NY people, and give it a European vibe, that’s Tel Aviv
  107. 250.

    @talraviv talraviv.org take Austin level arts and music, combine with

    beachside SoCal, fill it with NY people, and give it a European vibe, that’s Tel Aviv plus a free place to crash