More Constraints Please

@talraviv
talraviv.org
more
constraints
please

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
here’s america

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@talraviv
talraviv.org

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
my bad, michigan

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I grew up here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I made a bunch of close friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then we all went to college

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
several hours’ flights away from each other

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I studied here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I made a bunch of close friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then we got jobs

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
several hours’ flights away from each other

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
eventually I got a job here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
made a few close friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and reconnected with some old friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
over the years some left

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
while other friends moved in

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
you get the picture

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and while I have friends all over the country

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
this continues year after year

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not to mention distance
from my parents and sisters

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not even mentioning extended family,
who are on a totally different continent

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
it’s exhausting

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I got good at making friends fast

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
while staying in touch with old friends tapered off
with once-a-year phone calls at best

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
sigh

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
now a story

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
A couple years back I visited home on
Jewish new year (rosh hashana)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
even though we’re not observant, my
dad wanted to go to synagogue

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
even though we’re not observant, my
dad wanted to go to synagogue
I really didn’t feel like it, but I could tell
he really wanted to

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I hadn’t been in what felt like a decade

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I hadn’t been in what felt like a decade
and I didn’t have the energy that day to
see ALL these people from way back

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@talraviv
talraviv.org

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
We arrived mid-service (as a family
we’ve never arrived on time to anything
related to Judaism)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
related to Judaism)
And I looked around and felt something
really really strong

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
related to Judaism)
And I looked around and felt something
really really strong
(No, it wasn’t the almighty, relax)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
It was the feeling of seeing people I’d
known for decades, all standing in the
same places.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
same places.
Just a little greyer, a little more hunched
over, a little taller, a little skinnier, a little
chubbier.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
same places.
Just a little greyer, a little more hunched
over, a little taller, a little skinnier, a little
chubbier.
The same people. Standing in the same
places.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
It really touched me that I could
experience seeing something like that.
It felt very… human.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And here’s the thing…
These aren’t people I’d necessarily pick as
my friends.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
my friends.
These definitely aren’t my parents’ best
friends.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
my friends.
These definitely aren’t my parents’ best
friends.
All we all had in common was that our
homes were within walking distance of a
particular synagogue.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
For my family, it was total coincidence we
found ourselves living there in the 90s and
00s.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
For my family, it was total coincidence we
found ourselves living there in the 90s and
00s.
My (secular Israeli) parents bought their
first home, and two weeks later the
(orthodox) Rabbi and his family moved in
literally across the street and started a
synagogue nearby.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And that’s how we became part of a community.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
When something happened we all knew and
helped.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
helped.
When the rabbi had too many guests visiting town
and not enough beds, people stayed at our house.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
helped.
When the rabbi had too many guests visiting town
and not enough beds, people stayed at our house.
The same kids I played with and fought with in the
neighborhood were the ones I’d see on Saturday or
eat dinner with Friday night.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
…is the most overused word
among techies.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
………..

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
well

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
I read a few definitions online and they all suck

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
I’m not gonna try to define for you
what community feels like

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
It feels good and human

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
and the stronger the community
the good-er and human-er it feels

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
ok fine

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
ok fine
to me it means people you
truly count on to show up for you

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
ok fine
to me it means people you
truly count on to show up for you
and it wouldn’t be weird

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community means
and I think that level of showing up comes from
knowing the people around you
a long time

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
now an
observation

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
now an
observation
by the UN
UN

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
this is Israel

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
scale: roughly New Jersey or New Hampshire

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Israel is a pretty constrained place.
It’s an island, effectively.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not
best
friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not best friends
not
best
friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not best friends
not best friends
not
best
friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not best friends
not best friends
not best friends
not
best
friends

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not best friends
not best friends
not best friends
not
best
friends
jellyfish

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
This is an enormous burden on everyone,
in so many ways

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And yet, Israel is one of
the happiest places to live.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
like, in the world

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
The United Nations Happiness Report
consistently ranks Israel right after with
Finland, Norway, Denmark, Switzerland,
Netherlands, Canada, New Zealand, and
Australia
And consistently ahead
of the US, UK, France, etc

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Israel’s got toooooons of problems.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And it’s not exactly your homogeneous
northern European country.
https://www.brookings.edu/articles/diversity-in-israel-lessons-for-the-united-states/

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Prof. Layard is one of the authors of the annual
UN report:
“It is especially important to mention that the
social support measurement in Israel is
exceptionally high, Layard has noted. This is
because the Israeli family is more resilient and
has disintegrated less than the institution of the
family in Europe and the United States. It has
remained a major system of identity and
support because of the geographical closeness
and the close ties between parents and children
in Israel – at all ages.”
https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-low-incomes-high-prices-and-wars-so-why-are-israelis-so-
happy-1.6391253

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Panorama_of_Tel_Aviv.jpg
Tel Aviv is the major economic, technological, and
cultural hub of Israel. It’s secular and progressive.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And still, every Friday late afternoon,
the city empties out.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Whatever stage of life you’re at,
you drive out to family for Shabbat dinner.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
You might even stay the weekend and return with
tupperware full of leftovers.
Not only is it normal, people sympathize if you don’t.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
so, what gives?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Being a tiny country,
stuck between Asia and Africa,
surrounded by not-best-friends
turns out to have a silver lining.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
say I grow up here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and study here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and work here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
you end up with this

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
PS this is ~1 hr drive radius

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I found this also is true of friendships:
Unlike my life in the US, Israelis can’t really get
too far from their close friends from each phase
of life.
And this changes the meaning of friendship.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Whenever I pass a group of 4, 5, 6, 7 or more
friends sitting together around a table at a cafe
in Tel Aviv…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
in Tel Aviv…
…I feel sad and jealous.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
in Tel Aviv…
…I feel sad and jealous.
I know no matter how many friendships and
connections I’ve made in my life, it’ll be a long
time before I have that.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Israel is still an individualist place,
with lots of tech, and widening wealth gap.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Israelis move to the US/Europe
when given the chance.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Israelis move to the US/Europe
when given the chance.
People aren’t staying for altruistic principles. It’s
simply not easy to pick up and move.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
so my theory is

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community
comes from

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
community
comes from
constraint

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
let’s talk about what a constraint is

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
constraints are real
spatial/geographical implications

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
long-term (think decades not years)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not easily modified or gotten around

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
not easily modified or gotten around
…less crossfit or soulcycle
or SF co-op house or your startup “family”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
constraints are tough

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
religious beliefs

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
religious beliefs
discrimination (skin color, sexual orientation, etc.)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
religious beliefs
economic (income, resources, obligation)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
religious beliefs
geopolitical (borders, visas, etc.)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
religious beliefs
geopolitical (borders, visas, etc.)
security, safety, health

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
strongest
communities
and I think that
constraints
come from pretty strong

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
weaker
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
weaker
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
weaker
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
weaker
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
weaker
ties
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
weaker
ties
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
stronger
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
reasons bigger than you
weaker
ties
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
stronger
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
people you didn’t choose
weaker
ties
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
stronger
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
your personal life
weaker
ties
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
stronger
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
shared interests
all people you like
your work life
measured in years
stronger
ties
your personal life
measured in decades
weaker
ties

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
think about, when you start somewhere new,
how quickly people befriend and embrace you

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
the weaker the
constraint, the longer it
takes to warm up to you
e.g. new jiu jitsu gym or
neighbors in a big city

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
the weaker the
constraint, the longer it
takes to warm up to you
e.g. new jiu jitsu gym or
neighbors in a big city
the stronger the
constraint, the faster they
get to know you
e.g. kids preschool, niche
religious community

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
back in America…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I’ve had no real constraints ever:
I got a great education
I work in a thriving industry where it’s normal to
jump around
I’m male, white, straight, and I have a US passport
I’m atheist/liberal/humanist/millenial bla bla bla

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and I found myself
having the same conversation

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And it appears…
The most “successful” people in the world,
in the biggest economy,
with the best educations,
and the most options in front of them

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
might just be the
loneliest

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
at each juncture

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
we all do what’s right for us

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
usually professionally

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
it’s called

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
individualism

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and combined with a huge country with tons of
opportunities and big cities, it’s lonely AF

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
“But I’m not lonely, my schedule is packed!

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I have work happy hour,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then soul cycle,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then soul cycle,
then burning man camp meetings,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then soul cycle,
then like five birthdays this weekend,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
then soul cycle,
then like five birthdays this weekend,
and I’m in charge of co-op dinner this week.”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Ask yourself, how many of those people in your
surroundings can you count on being there for
you if you had a vulnerable, life-altering event
and needed major, inconvenient help and
support?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Ask yourself, how many of those people in your
surroundings can you count on being there for
you if you had a vulnerable, life-altering event
and needed major, inconvenient help and
support?
Or simpler, how many of those people can you
count on to be there for you in 20 years?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
To paraphrase a friend who grew up in
India before moving to the US:
“I have the busiest social life,
and I’ve never been lonelier.”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
remember this?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
this is freedom, opportunity, mobility…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
but it’s also weak ties and isolation

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
By implicitly acting with
individualism as my top value in life,
I’ve implicitly given up one of the most human
of experiences: being surrounded by people
I’ve known for a very long time.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
But how the hell do I let go of my optionality?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
As someone who’s grown up with strong
implicit individualism, and constantly
processing how do I keep all options open…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
As someone who’s grown up with strong
implicit individualism, and constantly
processing how do I keep all options open…
…how do I do this?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
here’s some
advice to myself

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
find a nice
jewish girl and
settle down
already

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
uh, thanks mom.
can I have my laptop back?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
ok, ahem

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
commit
to a
constraint

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
So, I personally moved
to the island in the mideast,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
took a ~30% salary cut,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
pay SF-level taxes and prices,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
and deal with new types of shit.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
omg the internet here is slow

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Spoiler alert:
omg the internet here is slow
also, politics, security, and inequalities…

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Sure, I didn’t grow up here,
so I don’t immediately get to
enjoy all the benefits of this:

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Sure, I didn’t grow up here,
so I don’t immediately get to
enjoy all the benefits of this:
But I do immediately get to
experience this:

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
But I have far more family here

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
as many close friends as anywhere else

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
as many close friends as anywhere else
and long term, it’ll pay off

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
but please,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
don’t move to another country

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
thx.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
first look at your life now

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Ask yourself whether your current community is
going to last decades - or just a few years’ cycle.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Is your community defined by a constraint
that’s not simple to get out of?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Is your community defined by a constraint
that’s not simple to get out of?
If by choice, has your community been around for
decades before you came along? Have individuals
been dedicating themselves for decades?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
start looking for constraints

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Do something that’s got clear positives for you
Revisit those changes you’ve wanted to make but were held back by the sacrifices it would entail.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Like moving closer to family. Or leaving a major economic hub.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Be okay with closing some doors and sacrificing options.
State out loud what you’re giving up. Is it money? Is it career heights? Potential career paths?

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Be okay with closing some doors and sacrificing options.
State out loud what you’re giving up. Is it money? Is it career heights? Potential career paths?
Don’t overhaul your life. Make small changes over time.
In my case of moving to Tel Aviv, I work in the same industry, fluent in the language, have extended
family, and my parents visit them a ton, so it’s less dramatic than it might seem.
Maybe from here I should start going to synagogue? Or have kids so they can go to preschool? Or
move to a smaller town in the desert/up north? People in my family have done both. But not all at
once.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
A close friend wrote:
“Imagine something bad happened to my parents
health-wise. It would be awful. But it would give me
the easiest decision as far as where to move. And
where to settle.”
“And then I wonder: why am I waiting for a
tragedy?”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Giving up things like money and success is hard.
Another close friend who left SF framed it:
“By moving to [new city] I’m gonna have fewer
business opportunities than before.”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
“By moving to [new region] I’m gonna have fewer
“So I ask myself, how much money would someone
have to pay me to undo the decision and move back
to SF?”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
“By moving to [new region] I’m gonna have fewer
“So I ask myself, how much money would someone
have to pay me to undo the decision and move back
to SF?”
“…it would have to be a lot of money.
Like 10x more than I’m giving up.”

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
Of course, being stuck somewhere thanks to
constraints you don’t control, can be really bad.
I know plenty of people who’ve rightfully worked
hard to escape too much constraint.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
What I wanna say here is simply that
maybe we can peel back
our individualism a little bit.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
If you think about some of the most
human and beautiful parts of life,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
they also thrive on limitations,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
difficulties,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
difficulties, collective crisis,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
difficulties, collective crisis, times of need,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
disasters,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
art,
creativity,
family,
love,
relationships,
identity… etc.
disasters, lack of resources, etc.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
We were born to deal with constraints - that’s
nature, and that’s humanity.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And airplanes,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And airplanes, the internet,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And airplanes, the internet, big cities,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
And airplanes, the internet, big cities, liberalism*
*The worldview, not the politics

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
All great things.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
helped a lot of humans on earth
overcome their constraints

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
but also gave us the burden of freedom

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
so I’ll leave you with the thought

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
that it’s not just community,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
rather that our

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
humanity
rather that our

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
humanity
comes from
rather that our

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
humanity
comes from
constraint
rather that our

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
talraviv.org

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
PS

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
so I live in Tel Aviv now

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
chances are,
(given the diagrams above)

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
…that you don’t.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
so,

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
come visit me!

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
I have a couch for you.

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
and as you know,
I like hanging out
with people I’ve known for a while

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
the best months to visit are
April/May/June

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@talraviv
talraviv.org
the best months to visit are
April/May/June
and
October/November

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More Constraints Please

More Constraints Please

Tal Raviv

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